my best friend triggers my self harm.

[valerie_s]

trigger warning: self harm & suicidal thoughts

i have an extremely unhealthy attachment to my best friend, i dont know why im like this but the way she acts towards me just affects my mood so much. if her tone towards me changes even slightly, i panic and cry and hyperventilate because i think shes going to leave me. and often times when this happens, i resort to self h@rm. she doesnt directly trigger my self h@rm of course, and my self h@rm is not her fault, but the way she acts towards me just affects me so so much.

when we get along well, my depression practically goes away, and i feel ecstatic all day. i will feel warm and fuzzy all day and thank the universe for blessing me with such a perfect friend. but the moment her tone changes and she becomes blunt, i panic and my mood PLUMMETS and i fall into a depressive episode, and i usually dont come out of that episode until our friendship goes back to normal. when she becomes blunt with me, i also suddenly start to hate her and despise her, and get urges to just cut her off completely. i dont know why i can just jump between loving her with all the cells in my body and putting her on a pedestal, to hating her guts and wanting to end our friendship within a span of literally 10 seconds.

whenever her tone changes and i feel like she hates me, i usually panic and self h@rm, and my su-cidal thoughts become so much worse. i have thoughts and fantasies of k-lling myself and blaming her in my su-cide note, and i have gotten as far as writing the note before. i did not actually attempt su-cide, but the morning after i wrote the note, i felt so guilty and disgusted at myself that i burned it.

i feel so so guilty because these thoughts are absolutely terrible and i cant believe i would even THINK about these things. blaming someone for my su-cide? kind people wouldnt have these thoughts. why am i having these thoughts??

recently shes been talking to me less, im not sure why but its making me so depressed and su-cidal and i have been using everything in my power to fight off self h@rm urges. i dont know why im like this and i feel like such a bad person. i dont know how to stop these thoughts either. why does my mental wellbeing completely revolve around the way she treats me? why do i go into a panic/depressive episode the moment she treats me differently than she usually does? im so lost. i dont know why im like this.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Valerie_s,

We are so glad that you've taken a big step in sharing your thoughts and feelings here on the forums. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

It sounds like you are in a really tough place at the moment and are feeling quite powerless when it comes to how you feel. We can imagine that it would be emotionally exhausting to feel like another person has control over how you are feeling day to day. Please know that you do not have to feel guilty about how you feel. Our thoughts don’t determine whether we are a good or bad person.

We would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. Additionally,  if things are feeling overwhelming and you need some help to keep yourself safe when you are having these thoughts, we would recommend you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi valerie_s,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for deciding to join us! I'm really glad that you're here.

A couple of quick things - you are not crazy, you aren't a bad person, and it's okay to say the words suicide and self-harm here. This is a safe space.

Honestly I actually think that you are quite insightful, because you're reflecting on how your friend makes you feel and how you feel attached to her. You are right in that it's an unhealthy attachment, but that doesn't make you a bad person. You wouldn't feel this way if you didn't care so deeply about her, and that's a good thing.

You're also not alone in the way that you feel and behave- attaching to people can make us feel good and safe and worthy and important. Everybody needs that in their lives; hopefully everyone gets it from their parents but obviously everyone is different. If you are (or decide to) see a counsellor, they can help you with this too.

I can see how hard this is for you, but I hope by reading this it helps a little-

rt