Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jumpy_jellyfish,

Thanks for joining us on the Beyond Blue forums tonight. We can hear that this week has been very emotionally draining for you. We can also hear that you feel confused as though you might always feel this sad. Please know that things can get better and there are resources available to help get you through this. We'd like to acknowledge your strength in reaching out to your mother, it's not always easy to open up, even to family, but it's very important to do so. If you'd like to be on a mental health care plan and receive over ten "discounted" appointments with a mental health care professional, a GP would be the best person to help arrange this. You can learn more about mental health care plans here: https://au.reachout.com/articles/part-1-getting-yourself-a-mental-health-care-plan

If you feel up to it, we'd recommend contacting Kids Helpline. Kids Helpline is a support service for young people aged 5–25. They provide free online and phone counselling and are available 24/7. You can even request the same counsellor every time.

We'd also like to recommend some really useful guides for managing thoughts about suicide, self-harm and school stress. 

• Are You Feeling Suicidal?
• Making Good Friends
• Cutting and Self-Harm
• How to nail your study-life balance

Please know our community is here to talk through these feelings with you. Please keep us updated on how you're feeling. 

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish :-] , lovely to hear from you. I've been thinking of you.

I'm really sorry that you're having suicidal thoughts, are you safe right now? I'm sorry your Mum doesn't seem to understand. I guess you could try telling her more, if you feel comfortable, that you're depressed & whatnot, & you feel like you should go to your GP to get a MHCP (Mental Health Care Plan) to see a Psychologist or someone like that?

I'm always here to talk, but here are some helplines too, or if it's an emergency, contact 000.

• Kids Helpline.
• eHeadspace.
• Suicide Call Back Service.
• Blue Knot.
• 1800 RESPECT.
• Lifeline.
• Butterfly Foundation.

& more. I'm here for you, & I hope you're safe. Also you wouldn't be better off gone, I understand how hard it is feeling that way, I feel that way myself pretty much everyday. You're loved & cared for, & that includes on here too.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

As you go through this incredibly challenging time, I wish I could just give you the biggest hug and be there in person to convince you that you're graduating to finding your most astonishing self, someone you may barely recognise. Sounds a bit cliche but I found my own experience with the journey into depression, through it and out of it to be one of those 'Caterpillar to butterfly' experiences. I am far from who I used to be, incredibly far.

Sounds a bit strange but we're always going from the person we are to the person we're going to be. How to manage that change is probably life's greatest challenge, in my opinion. I found and still find that the best way to work out who I'm truly meant to be involves working out what I can't tolerate well. Wondering if you can relate

• If I can't tolerate a lack of guidance, it tells me I am someone who thrives on guidance
• If I can't tolerate suppressing my emotions, it tells me I am someone who is naturally emotionally expressive
• If I can't tolerate a lack of excitement in my life and a lack of adventure, this tells me I am a seeker of excitement and someone who must add ventures to life in order to feel fulfillment
• If I can't tolerate not knowing or understanding myself, this tells me I thrive on understanding myself better

Personally, I have a very long list of things I just can't tolerate very well. I'm very sensitive to what I can't tolerate. I feel the intolerance at times. This feeling wakes me up to seeking the difference I really need in my life. Of course, finding the difference becomes a major part of the challenge. it's definitely challenging when you have no idea what that difference needs to be or where to find it. Guidance from others is often key, in this area.

I once heard someone say, when they reached the lowest part of their depression, they had the epiphany that changed their life, 'I can't live with myself anymore'. Shocked by this thought, they asked 'Who is the I in this statement and what is the/my self I can't live with?' They began to question the (version of) self they'd been trying to live with, the self they could no longer tolerate, the self they needed to sacrifice. I can relate to this. In a nutshell, my own turning point went from 'I don't know who I am anymore' to 'If I am not my depression then who am I? Who am I really?' All great quests hold many questions.

The quest of natural self discovery begins when we can no longer live with our old self.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks for all the support,

I've been talking to a counsellor regularly from kids helpline... she was sick though when I tried to call a few days ago but hopefully tomorrow she will be available to talk, I think I'll call rather than webchat I don't really feel motivated to type out stuff and word vomiting out loud is easier than in text lol.

If my mum properly brings it up again I might be inclined to ask about going and seeing a GP, otherwise I would go to headspace on my own as I know is an option expect I don't have my own medicare card so... I feel like it would be easier to have my parents involved though for the actuality of things but not for my mental satisfaction which is already at odds... idk

With what you said therising, I had a bit of a realisation of how I've changed, the other day, funnily enough it was in school (and probably the most worthwhile thing I've learnt in school) we were looking at character strengths and what I discovered was a) ranked highest in intrapersonal intelligence (or self awareness) and my sociality has decreased a lot over the past year... spending a lot of time alone has had good and bad influences... from that though I also realised that what troubles me is I have a good sense of self awareness but I can't seem to change my behaviours so I end up focusing on how I can't seem to change. That's something I would like to try and work on but I feel like I've successively been... unsuccessful. Just sometimes hard to believe it's a journey worth taking...

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellyfish.

That's good that you have a KHL Counsellor, hopefully you can speak to them or another nice person through there again at some point.

I would recommend seeing a GP first, and asking their opinion of Headspace, and seeing which other options you can explore, even some online stuff (it's free) if you wish.

Best of luck.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, I'm trying to work through it all... I wish it was easier to get mental health support as someone under 18 without the fuss but I do hope to be able to see a GP soon enough I'm just anxious about bringing it up... from thereon I honestly just want to be able to talk to someone about how I feel. I just wish I didn't feel like this all the time because it really sucks to be constantly wondering what's the point of being here and having thoughts. At the same time though I also feel like I'm a burden for wanting help, but also one for being unhappy...

[Guest_4643]

I know you are, I commend you for trying to get help. Believe me, I know how hard it is, and I'm 21. I'm struggling to find help myself, apart from a GP and Psychiatrist but they're constantly on my back about a Psychologist.

I guess just getting it off your chest can help, try and tell your Parents how much you're struggling and that you want to see a GP.

I'm the same with wondering what's the point and being unhappy. You have a purpose, whether you can see that or not, and you're here for a reason. I care about you and I'm here for you, others do too, on and off the forums.

You're not a burden for wanting help, you're not feeling good mentally and you're trying to get support and seek help, and that's perfectly ok, if anything it's brave, so well done.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks 🙂 I hope you're doing ok too

[Guest_4643]

Not really

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Well we're all here for you too whenever you need, hope things get better from here