Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish :-],  thanks for taking the time to get back to us and share your thoughts. It sounds as though this isn't an easy thing to do at the moment. 

We're so sorry to hear that you have self-harmed today and are still struggling with suicidal thoughts. We acknowledge how overwhelming and painful life must to consider this. We'd like to let you know that our Support Service is trying to get in contact with you via private message.

We'd really love to support you here jumpy jellyfish :-], is there anything we can do to better support you?

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Thanks, I made short contact over the phone... it was difficult because of the circumstances I can't really feel comfortable calling at home because I lack privacy but I am getting in contact with headspace and following through with the recommendations that were offered to me as ways of getting support, even though I couldn't really have a conversation I'm safe so I'm assured I will be ok... I'm not sure in what way I could be supported otherwise but I feel as though at the moment I have adequate access to support.

I must confess, it scares me that people are so concerned about me despite all my appreciation for the help I'm being offered... I think its still just feeling surreal that I would actually have suicidal thoughts and self harm to cope... I think it also digs in a little to my fear of things escalating (as I am struggling to seek in person support because I don't want to end up everything being a big deal and people fearing for my wellbeing...

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

If I had a dollar for every time I failed to understand myself I'd be a rich woman. I've come to realise that not understanding myself and why I do what I do or think the way I think at times typically happens when I hit a new stage of my life. I'm being challenged to evolve. I must say, it has not been easy, especially during my 15 or so years in depression, which came to and end some time back. Making sense of myself and my emotions back then felt impossible and depressing. Looking back, I seriously wish I'd had a mentor, someone to guide me.

JJ, it's so incredibly important that you keep in mind all the ways you are raising your self as you make your way through the challenges that are reforming you. As you aim to raise your consciousness, you will find yourself gradually letting go of some old beliefs. For example, if you once believed yourself to be someone who could never reach out to a helpline or someone who would never come on the forums here, you have raised yourself above this belief and here you are. You've evolved to find you are not that person you thought you were. If you once believed that crying is a sign of weakness, you could say you've raised your consciousness to a point where you can relate to the truth, not that 'weakness' lie so many believe in. The truth is...crying is a constructive form of venting. It releases mental and emotional tension. We can either hold onto a sense of dis-ease or we can let it out, let it go. The extent or intensity of our vent can tell us a lot about how we're feeling. Personally, I've had some massive vents in my life on occasion in the way of crying, leading me to realise just how much I'd been bottling things up. I believe, at times we can truly shock our self when it comes to just how much we've been tolerating. I'm glad you had that purge and felt better for it.

I must say, one of the most eye opening and mind altering epiphanies I've had in life came about when I began to love myself for being sensitive. The epiphany? So many people are incredibly insensitive. It really does blow my mind at times. What is their story?! It's amazing how many people say 'You need to toughen up', for example. 'Sure, let me become more insensitive and emotionless, like you' (them). I don't think so. I much prefer to feel my way through life. Detachment or not feeling also serves a purpose at times. It can allow us to become more objective, so we can to begin questioning questionable things.

🙂

[Guest_4643]

Hello jumpy jellyfish :-] , I love your username. Welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry to hear you struggle with SH, and binge eating. I struggle with binge eating also so I definitely understand that and how hard it is, and also not eating properly and until late in the day. You're not alone with any of your feelings. I also have 0 self esteem too.

I'm sorry my answer isn't very long, but please know I do care, and I'm here if you need me.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising,

Your post really hits home for me, even if it's hard to convince myself to let my emotions happen without judging them as weak or unexplained, to evolve as you say when I don't understand why I'm feeling the way I do - it can be an anxiety provoking experience. That being said, I'm finding myself reasonably more level headed this morning writing this - I guess maybe I did end up just letting everything happen after my experience last night because I woke up feeling a lot more content. I'm still a little shaken, sure but I can say I feel better. As for loving myself for being sensitive... I think I can work on it... I can come to appreciate my sensitivity in relation to my ability to be empathetic towards others yet I still become frustrated by my 'dramatic' responses to things that happen to me... that being said it felt so good to let everything out to my kids helpline counsellor and I was glad that I could actually act in a way which expressed vulnerability to another person rather than putting up a wall, so I guess that was a small step forwards.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi mb20lover,

Thanks, it feels good to know that people can relate to my feelings and struggles and likewise that I can relate to them - we can all work though and overcome these challenges. I appreciate that you care - no matter the length of a post which offers support to another, it's still support which I'm really grateful for.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

You've hit on one of the many gifts that comes with sensitivity, the ability to feel empathy. It's a beautiful gift when managed well and it definitely requires a bit of management at times, especially if we're deeply empathetic. Stick an empath in a room of angry and negative people and they can come out feeling thoroughly drained if they're not careful. An empathetic person can take on a lot of other people's emotions over time and then suddenly wonder why they're feeling so emotionally challenged. It can get pretty overwhelming for some. This can be where that constructive form of detachment can come into play. To feel deep empathy for another, even to the point of tears for them and then to be able to detach to some degree after your emotional meeting can be a way of managing your own emotion. You can still feel for them but simply not feel for them constantly, to the point where it's worrying or draining you 24/7. In a way, this is what mental health professionals are trained in, detachment of this nature, the kind of 'leave it at the door before you go home' sort of thing, otherwise they'd burn out within the first few years of practice. I'm so happy to hear you're an empathetic person. We need more like you in this world. You're an absolute gem!

Another gift of a sensitive person is wonder. Sensitive people are typically wonderful people. They do come to wonder a lot. The gift of wonder tends to lead us away from harsh judgement. Give you an example

• You could judge yourself harshly when you react to a situation. You could say to yourself 'I'm so stupid and delicate. I'm weak and over emotional' or you could say 'I wonder why this kind of situation always leads me to be so emotional'. Typically, it pays to wonder. The answer could reveal itself as 'Whenever I am not feeling heard by others, I feel devalued in some way. I feel worthless/worth less'. Such wonder could even lead you to wonder further, questioning others, 'Why don't you have the ability to listen thoughtfully?' You may then perhaps wonder 'Who does have the ability to listen? I will begin speaking to them instead'. Suddenly, all this wonder has led you on a whole different path, away from harsh judgement of your self. Wonder is a powerful gift, typically experienced by an open minded person. We began life with a healthy sense of wonder, until it was kind of conditioned out of us, to a degree

I hope you come to realise more and more how truly wonderful you are 🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey therising,

I can definitely relate to the emotional drain of being empathetic for other people and not allowing myself the time to emotionally detach... I think this comes from being able to be empathise of someone else because I have a new perspective and understanding and feel purely for them and helping them, whereas when it comes to my own wellbeing I have feelings like that you mentioned later on in your post and I do judge myself harshly because I invalidate myself and have low self esteem and sense of self worth.

Its uplifting to think about how wondering about something in ways which allow to seek new opportunities (as you mentioned, wondering 'Who does have the ability to listen' and so on, because it brings back a little bit of hope. I just find that sometimes if I wonder for example why something is happening to me it can trigger some anxiety as I constantly try to find the answers and seek reassurance from them even when I don't know and it's something I can't discover... I suppose what I'm saying is if I do wonder about something, it sometimes spirals down a path of being anxious about the unknown.

Sorry if that didn't make much sense but I acknowledge and appreciate that your posts are challenging my way of thinking even when I'm feeling down and I'm thankful for that.

[Guest_4643]

Of course jumpy jellyfish, you're welcome. We're all here for you

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey, it's been a while since I've been posting, just trying to get myself together I suppose over the past couple of weeks.

I wouldn't say I've been feeling any better recently to be honest... I feel like I've been having these suicidal thoughts in the back of my head a lot of the time which I'm pretty sick of... I don't really know how to stop the thoughts. A few times I've found myself in a position where I know I won't harm myself badly but wishing I could... escape... moreso than other times and where I've been wanting to act on an idea... Tonight definitely isn't the worst day I've had and I'm feeling safe, just need to talk when I can try and understand what I'm feeling because a few days ago especially I was at one of my lowest points.

I talked to my mum a bit... (yayyy) but I feel misunderstood because I didn't really tell her the whole picture ( just told her I'd been having intrusive thoughts for a while... and that I was feeling down and she suggested we find someone for me to talk to? I feel like she doesn't know the extent of everything though because she literally said 'you don't need a referral we can just go see someone...' and I feel like she thinks I just a session or two whereas I think wouldn't the best thing just to go to the GP? I dunno.

I don't really know what I'm trying to say... just not sure how to get the suicidal thoughts to leave my head because they're constantly there and I've been thinking things like 'I'd be better off dead' and that I would rather just end all the pain that's going on because feeling nothing is better than feeling terrible and I know that there are good things but if you can't experience them, you don't know any different so it doesn't matter...

It just feels like an endless cycle of more or less pain, frustration, guilt, sadness and all sorts of those emotions mixed up in my head and I don't know what to do... I know that there are things to make me feel better but I feel like even at school being bothered to act like I'm fine and do my schoolwork is an effort and next step I'm laying my head on the desk... Being at school hasn't helped as much as I thought also for feeling less isolated... I feel like it's my fault though because I sort of distance myself from the girls in my class but then feel like I'm third wheeling my other friends?

Just not really feeling it...