Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Guest_4643]

Thanks, wish I could hug you in person, sigh.

I agree, that's happened to me before on KHL, or I've said something/answered their question then they don't reply for ages (like 10 mins) so I just leave, like what's the point if they don't respond?

You could put in a complaint with KHL if you wish, because they should still speak to you whether your original counsellor is there or not.

Yeah Lifeline are usually pretty good, not a long wait time either.

Headspace have a group chat on Monday-Friday (I can't remember the exact days & times) regarding certain things, but that's moderated too, at least if you talk 1-on-1 with a counsellor you can talk about certain things without it being moderated like SH.

Stay safe xx

[therising]

Hi jj

Sorry to hear things are becoming even more challenging for you. Life would definitely be so much easier if everyone provided a clear cut path to reforming our self. Can feel like you're left dealing with frustrating detours and misdirection. Makes you want to scream at times. Glad you feel you can come here to vent. Venting is so important, especially when you're doing it with people who really get the frustration and how depressing it can really become.

Picking the resources that can make some difference becomes an important part of the journey. Sounds like Lifeline is one of those resources which has proven to be helpful in the past. Looking back at my years in depression, I can say (in hindsight) it's important you don't come to doubt yourself so much. What I mean is if something's not working, it's not working. Try not to think 'What's wrong with me? Why does this resource work for others and not me?!' Different things work for different people. Try and get a feel for what makes a difference and what doesn't, for you specifically. I can remember seeing a psyche during my depression, which didn't last too long. I just never felt a connection to him. It turned out to be group therapy that made all the difference to me. Again, try to get a feel for who or what makes a difference. If you can, try and get a sense of what inspiration feels like. You'll definitely know if you're not feeling it. You're a unique person who's possibly being challenged to trust your feelings. If being told to just eat more at a certain time of the day and that should fix things doesn't feel like inspirational input, that's probably because it's not. It doesn't offer you any strategic guidance or reasoning and it isn't mind altering advice. You want something that's going to change your perception when it comes to food and how your body interacts with it in truly incredible ways. Seeking guidance and reasoning from a really good dietician who deals with the intricacies of 'mood and food' could be something you could consider perhaps. It's one way to get to know yourself better.

Don't get me started on the Australian education system. Let's just say if there's a system in place that tends to stress and depress its members, you gotta question it. As I say to my kids 'Remember a lot of the faults are in the system not in you. You're doing your best under the circumstances.'

If what works is to keep coming back here until you can see your counselor, we're here for you 🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah I've had a couple of long waits for responses, I've been fortunate not to have to wait as long as 10 minutes though, just a few. I've found contacting the butterfly foundation I've also had some long waits, only to be sent a copied and pasted paragraph identical to the one I received the prior time contacting them. I don't think I'll be web chatting with them again honestly, just found it hasn't really helped. Each to their own I guess.

I've been on one of those group chats only once before at the end of last year and it was pretty good but yeah it can be harder because of issues like SH and SI being moderated... I guess it depends what you need support with, it's good for real life time communication though for general wellbeing.

You take care too xx

[Guest_4643]

Hmm that's good you only had to wait 10 mins with KHL, I usually wait hours. For example I was on at 9pm once, was 11:30pm and I still hadn't got through. I was really depressed at that time. I wasn't happy that they did that. My depression has always been worse at night for some reason, although it's bad during the day too, it depends. But yeah.

Yeah I found that Butterfly Foundation did that to me, but like you said, each to their own.

That's true, I hope you like it here though, and thanks xx

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah that's happened to me too - I moreso meant I've been fortunate to not have to wait too long for a response once I've been connected, but a couple of times similar to what you've said I've been in a dark place and waiting for hours on web in the queue and been left unanswered... usually after that I will try call otherwise I just leave it because it's not worth waiting that long. It's ok as long as it's not late in the late afternoon or evening / night I've found.

It's good here because it feels less scripted and hence that people actually care because it's a lot easier to follow a structured set of responses than to support someone in a more individual way. I really appreciate you responding to my thread, along with therising regularly and everyone else who's on the forums. 💞

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey therising,

I agree venting is amazing and very therapeutic, feels good to get everything out of your head or at least spread out your emotions between spoken / written words and what you keep disclosed.

I guess that's what I'm trying to do atm - figure out what works for me. Talking online in these group settings definitely does good for me, and I've found talking to my regular KHL counsellor has been good too. Calling especially I found was probably better for times where I'm in more distress as I have tried before because usually during those times I've been bottling up my emotions and they all just spill out on the phone. Sometimes hard to talk though when you're crying but it feels good.

Hopefully seeing a psychologist should be helpful - I do want to be able to talk to someone in person and the lady we found runs her private business and it seems to all check out, hopefully I can have that experience of being able to connect with her when in the future I get the chance.

[Guest_4643]

I agree, jumpy jellyfish.

And you're welcome, thanks for replying to me too.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

No problem, it's good to be able to connect... much better than in person like dealing with all the girls in my class as I move away from their friend group a fair bit, really sick of it tbh feel like it's gonna be a long year. School sucks...

Booked in to see the GP on the 15th, psychologist a week later. Kinda freaking out about it but I'm also glad that I can get proper support just don't know what to expect...

[Guest_4643]

Hey jumpy jellfyfish.

Yes it is good to connect. I'm sorry you have bad girls in your class, I definitely know the feeling. Yep, school sucks big time.

I hope the GP and Psychologist are helpful to you. Usually they'll ask you why you're there, ask you questions about your moods, etc.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, it's not that they're mean people... well most of them arent... it's just that they are all very similar to each other and different to me and i feel pretty excluded and isolated. it sounds stupid but its been playing into just hating school because my only real friend atm i feel like is always with her other best friend leaving me just trapped in my thoughts with other 'friends' i have to fake enjoying myself around.

i think getting that support should be ok im just scared imma freeze up or my mum is gonna be in the room while im trying to talk or idek what its just dumb overthinking and worrying but idk, my head's kinda all over the place atm.

just got off a chat with lifeline, wasnt as good as usual - that was down to my self esteem mostly though i feel like. i just felt stupid saying everything i was.

sorry this sounds like a mess