Managing Boundaries

[Eagle Ray]

Throughout my life I have had great difficulties with boundaries. I have often allowed others to transgress my boundaries because I felt like I had no choice. This pattern comes from childhood where I was taught to focus on the needs of others but not myself. The consequences of not anticipating and meeting other’s needs in childhood were quite severe and often involved rage being directed at me. Hence I’ve been very sensitised to others’ needs in a kind of compulsive, unconscious way. Countless times others who’ve wanted someone to meet their needs have sensed this about me and quickly attached to me but they have often then become unhealthy co-dependent situations and I’ve felt trapped.

I am now in a transition phase where I am learning to unlearn this pattern. But my goodness it’s hard. With people who were being particularly exploitive with me it has been easier to leave those situations. But with others I can see their vulnerability and continue to have empathy for them. They’ve often had some kind of trauma themselves and have developed a particular attachment style. Just as I’ve developed the role of the carer/support person for others, they have developed a kind of dependency role. It’s partly because I have empathy for them that I can still struggle to set boundaries with them. I don’t necessarily want to walk away from the person and I care about them but I can find it hard getting the interpersonal boundary right.

I am gradually learning the following:

• how to see myself and start to consider my own needs.
• not feeling guilty for setting a boundary.
• listening to my body which never lies and will feel uneasy if something is unhealthy about the way someone else is attaching to me. I used to ignore this feeling by convincing myself that everything will be fine only to end up in bad situations.
• feeling a higher level of assertiveness.
• observing how the other person reacts when I do express a need around boundaries as this is often an important indicator of whether they can genuinely see me and respect my boundary needs or whether the relationship is one-sided.

I am interested to know how others may have learned to establish boundaries. I realise for some people it is second nature to take care of their own needs and boundaries while for others it’s very difficult. I just thought this might be a good topic for the Staying Well section as for me my ability to stay well has been impaired by my inability to protect my boundaries in the past.

Have you had similar boundary issues and have you found ways to manage your boundaries in healthier ways? Or you may have a different set of boundary issues and dynamics to me so feel free to discuss what is relevant for you.

[Emotions26]

Hello ER

I appreciate your response. I can see that you took time to read my words and carefully think about a response. 

I am not sure when the concept of "boundaries" first surfaced. I do know that they were not heard of in our home or within any other relationship that I had. I first heard about them when I was in need of help.   I remember recognising the value of the process. Confusion,  life itself clouded over strategies.

Grief comes into the picture with trauma more clouds. Life is a constant lesson.

Yes those who have boundaries between myself and them are struggling with their own issues often triggered by my character traits. My sensitivity, depth etc terrifies them as they fear I might see within them. I do actually.  I don't relish in this at all. I still actually feel for them. I just know to keep my distance now.

Yes I have forgiven most. Not forgotten though. Forgiven to help myself.

Boundaries.  I am beginning to be sick of hearing myself say the word.  So many different ones.  I think that I need to take my foot off of the boundary accelerator and see the trees again. Today I am telling myself that I don't need to worry about any boundaries. They are able to stand alone.  Today I am reuniting with my humour again. Thank goodness. 

 You are sounding more at peace with yourself.   Thank you for your reassurance. Much appreciated.   Ems

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Ems,

I love what you say about today you will not worry about boundaries because they are able to stand alone. That feels like a good sign, as once our boundaries are stronger they are automatically taking care of things. We don’t have to keep thinking about them all the time.

In the most healthily functioning families I imagine most boundary learning is implicit. That is, the kids automatically have good boundaries modelled for them by well functioning parents and thus internalise a healthy sense of a ‘me’ or ‘I’. Some incidents may arise where boundaries are more explicitly discussed, such as a child having a difficult experience at school. In a safe family the child can tell the parents about it who will help guide them on how to handle it. I know I couldn’t safely tell my parents about boundary transgressions at school for which I felt much shame and the likelihood that shame would be compounded if I dared open up about it. So I think feelings of safety and boundaries are closely connected. I think once boundaries start to stand alone, as you put it so well, it’s a sign we are feeling safer. 

I too am so sensitive I feel the vulnerabilities of others and I wish I could switch it off at times. But I think the upside is the empathetic awareness it gives. It can help understand others who may have harmed us and it can therefore make it easier to forgive. As you say, the forgiveness doesn’t necessarily mean forgetting, and it can be a self-protective measure not to forget to avoid similar harm again in the future.

I’m glad you can feel the return of your sense of humour. Things get heavy at times and a good laugh can really help. I find this can happen with certain TV shows that make me laugh out loud. It’s amazing how medicinal that is.

Thank you for sharing your thoughtful and sensitive presence here. It is very much valued, ER

[Fiatlux]

An entry from my journal, August 17, 2020…

Empath = give give give.

Narcissist = take take take.

Empath = sets boundaries.

Narcissist = squashes boundaries.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Empath = values honesty.

Narcissist = compulsive liars.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Empath = forgives.

Narcissist = repeats behaviour.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Empath = lives in HOPE.

Narcissist = Idealises. Devalues. Discards.

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

Life with a narcissist is exhausting.

What I was feeling 4 years ago and nothing has changed. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[quirkywords]

Hi I’ve just discovered this through and I’m reading through it very interesting reading I also have trouble with boundaries because it’s that people pleaser part of me wants to be everything to everyone and make everyone happy and then I felt feel guilty when I try to do too much and then anything for anyone

[Emotions26]

Hello quirkywords

Boundaries were hard for me to comprehend as I had been putting in place protective measures and not thought of them as boundaries.

Eagle Ray explained it well when she mentioned how some of us are taught by our parents.

I used to think of this as limits.

Consequences explained that sort of thing.

So becoming used to the phrase boundary setting still sounds quite foreign to me.

I agree this is an interesting thread that covers so many areas of life.

Ems

[Emotions26]

Hello Flatlux

Interesting equations there.

Actually made me laugh.

I am at a stage of dark humour at the moment.

Would not have been able to even read this a few months ago.

4 years ago.

Nothing has changed. I am not surprised.

If dealing with a narcissist it will not change.

The only change that can happen in that scenario is from you.

Take care

Ems

[Fiatlux]

Hi Emotions26,

My generation of kids growing up in the 60’s and 70’s were not allowed to refuse a request from an adult. My mother started allowing us to refuse hugs and kisses from males especially those on my dad’s side of the family. She hated them. 

My own children were taught what boundaries are and this possibly saved my children from becoming victims of child sexual abuse from an older child in his teens. They were brave enough to protect themselves and each other and took themselves out of that situation. They told me immediately when this happened. They were only 5, 6 & 7 but my 7 year old stood up to this older teen. I am so glad that I prepared them for this. It’s always a case of what if, when and who. 

I am so proud of my kids. All of them now often walk away from people and situations that cross their boundaries. Even in Primary school my daughter was like, “see ya” if anyone spoke down to her, tried bullying her or was just plain rude. She was staunch and solid. Never wavered from this.

She took no crap, especially from her Dad. 

I am sure she was well aware of the narcissistic tendencies that her father resorted to.

Narcissist hates mirrors. 🙏🏼 

[Fiatlux]

Emotions26 and Everyone else here,

I found this in my Journal from March 2021, from a friend who was going through Divorce from her unfaithful husband… 

I went through similar feelings during my separation/divorce. I chose a mantra to this day, the EX does not know the true meaning of

FOCUS = F*** off cause you're stupid!

He never figured it out and when I would say the word,  FOCUS  he would say "I am!" 

The cheeky stuff that got us through some very dark times. 🙏🏼

[Emotions26]

Hello all

I am using my mobile and cannot switch off bold🧐

I am not going to attempt to work it out. I will end up losing my reply.

Hate using technology. Pen and paper please.

I spent some time reading all of the replies here as this is a very important discussion. 
I am tired now . I will reply another time when feeling more rested.  
Take care all and look after those boundaries

Ems

[Kenzie7]

Boundaries are tricky at times...starting to set them now though. 

We need to remember that we have a life and we should live it the way we want or are destined to. 

I'm learning how to believe in myself now and that a boundary is a healthy strategy.

Stay happy