Managing Boundaries

[Eagle Ray]

Throughout my life I have had great difficulties with boundaries. I have often allowed others to transgress my boundaries because I felt like I had no choice. This pattern comes from childhood where I was taught to focus on the needs of others but not myself. The consequences of not anticipating and meeting other’s needs in childhood were quite severe and often involved rage being directed at me. Hence I’ve been very sensitised to others’ needs in a kind of compulsive, unconscious way. Countless times others who’ve wanted someone to meet their needs have sensed this about me and quickly attached to me but they have often then become unhealthy co-dependent situations and I’ve felt trapped.

I am now in a transition phase where I am learning to unlearn this pattern. But my goodness it’s hard. With people who were being particularly exploitive with me it has been easier to leave those situations. But with others I can see their vulnerability and continue to have empathy for them. They’ve often had some kind of trauma themselves and have developed a particular attachment style. Just as I’ve developed the role of the carer/support person for others, they have developed a kind of dependency role. It’s partly because I have empathy for them that I can still struggle to set boundaries with them. I don’t necessarily want to walk away from the person and I care about them but I can find it hard getting the interpersonal boundary right.

I am gradually learning the following:

• how to see myself and start to consider my own needs.
• not feeling guilty for setting a boundary.
• listening to my body which never lies and will feel uneasy if something is unhealthy about the way someone else is attaching to me. I used to ignore this feeling by convincing myself that everything will be fine only to end up in bad situations.
• feeling a higher level of assertiveness.
• observing how the other person reacts when I do express a need around boundaries as this is often an important indicator of whether they can genuinely see me and respect my boundary needs or whether the relationship is one-sided.

I am interested to know how others may have learned to establish boundaries. I realise for some people it is second nature to take care of their own needs and boundaries while for others it’s very difficult. I just thought this might be a good topic for the Staying Well section as for me my ability to stay well has been impaired by my inability to protect my boundaries in the past.

Have you had similar boundary issues and have you found ways to manage your boundaries in healthier ways? Or you may have a different set of boundary issues and dynamics to me so feel free to discuss what is relevant for you.

[Croix]

Dear ER~

One of the mistakes I made earlier on - before I came to the Forum was that I thought that I was a virtually unlimited well of compassion, empathy and and ability to help. I was just a tad wrong:)

I saw it as a fault or inadequacy in myself if I was not able to help, mainly because of my own reactions to their plight, and then later saw the need for boundaries, which of course can still be overridden by particularly vivid, familiar or difficult interaction or other's experiences.

The thing is both the helper and the helped can be metaphorically speaking drawing from the same well, so the amount left in it diminishes far more quickly than if one is just using it oneself. It empties too quickly to refill and the adverse reactions follow, one cannot cope

I think what is importunate to realise it is better for you not to drain yourself completely and crash - cutting off support, but instead deliberately cut off support a trifle earlier (which may be more gentle anyway) . The result on the helped will be the same -and yes I know, guilt then pops in. As MF said 'life was not meant ot be easy"

You do far more than most here on the Forum, and to be blindsided occasionally is going to happen. As Maxwell Smart would say you "use your talents for goodness and niceness"

Croix

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you for your kind, thoughtful words Croix.

I do try so hard to help people and really need to come back to myself as I'm really needing to support myself right now. I did the K10 test on the Beyond Blue website yesterday. Before I did it I would have said my mental health was struggling but manageable. But the K10 test showed it as very high. Basically I often don't realise the state of my own mental health in terms of how not good it is at times. I grew up being taught to focus externally on the needs of others but not on myself and my own needs at all. I'm aware when I'm really not good, but it is like things have to get horrendous before I realise I need to help myself as a priority. I fail to apply the "put the oxygen mask on yourself first" advice.

I am trying to learn to slow down and be aware of myself. Part of this is becoming aware of myself as a bounded entity (hence my interest in boundaries). I have been a largely invisible non-being to myself most of my life. A lot of this is connected with being chronically dissociated from my earliest memories as well. As I start to become aware that I exist I am also becoming more aware of my own body and what it is doing. Yesterday I was in a kind of fight-or-flight hyperactivity. Then I slept for 12 hours last night! That's a good sign. It's like my body is starting to let go more and come back into some kind of balance.

The more in balance I am, the more useful I am to others as well. I need to draw back a bit and focus my energies on getting my own life back on track and continue the process of healing the damaged parts of myself. I find it can be healing to reach out and support others and it feels meaningful to do so. But unless I work sufficiently through my own healing work first I will end up kind of disintegrating.

Anyway, I worked on some practical things for myself today. I'm continuing to work towards a business idea I have that I think may be manageable with my health limitations. As I get older I realise how much it matters to value each and everyday and also spend time working towards what is closest to my heart.

Thanks for being such as wise, kind walrus Croix. You are so thoughtful and insightful in the support you give others here.

Hugs,

ER

[Annas1]

Hi ER and fellow boundary riders,

this topic is so important to me too, as I've only recently recognised how damaging a lack of interpersonal boundaries has been to my sense of self and my wellbeing. I share your early experience of being 'taught' to forgo my personal boundary in order to survive in my family system. For me there are two feared consequences of asserting my boundaries/needs/limits, the first is the other person's anger/punishment/exile. Essentially, at a psychological level, I had little option but to accept a state of being boundary-free. The second consequence for me is the risk of disappointing/hurting/abandoning the other person in their situation of need/desire/expectation. I find it very hard indeed to ignore another person's feelings, in fact, I tend to feel like I have a responsibility to fix their situation and meet their needs regardless of what this may cost me.

So, like you and many others, I am on the slow and steady journey of recognising the self-denying habits of relating I have practiced all my life, determine whether I am being triggered by fear or guilt, and do my best to hold onto myself when I need to make a stand or stand back.

The mental health consequences of living with flip-flop, wishy-washy boundaries have been devastating for me. Much of my anxiety and depression can be linked to this issue, and I now have the insight to develop new ways of caring for myself, managing my habits of thinking and acting, and creating a new approach to life.

May we all take courage and learn to be our own best advocate and friend.

Annas

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Annas,

Thank you for sharing your experience and encouragement. The words you wrote very much mirror my own experience. I too have been profoundly impacted by the lack of healthy boundary development. But as challenging as it is, I think it is never too late to develop those skills. For me it has been so habitual and automatic to constantly feel I need to meet the needs and wishes of others while not even registering my own needs. It has been confronting to realise in the last few years the number of co-dependent type friendships I’d ended up in for such a long time. As I started to shift to someone who paid more attention to my own needs, it was often not met in a positive way by particular friends. I’ve now moved away from the most dysfunctional of those friendships. It’s come as a bit of a shock just how much I have been like a kind of analgesic for others (my role being to make them feel better), while I haven’t been allowed to express needs of my own. The dissatisfaction in the others of me expressing my own needs for a change really opened my eyes to the patterns I had become entangled in and helped generate by believing in my role as a carer/support person.

It was a role ingrained so early in life it has felt like the blueprint of my existence. For this reason I feel I have to neuroplastically rewire my brain into a set of new pathways. I’m think of starting to draw some imagery of myself breaking free. I think working with visualisations can be helpful. It’s like inhabiting a new way of being.

May you go well in your journey and I loved your final statement about us being our own advocate and best friend. That is a beautiful way of putting it.

Many thanks 🙏 

ER

[Annas1]

Hi ER and friends,

I've been wondering where to post my current thoughts and feelings today and reckon that this theme of boundaries is about half right (the other half I might post in another thread). I'm about half-way through a long trip away from home that has been marked by major peaks in anxiety and associated insomnia that have really challenged my vibe. There is a long story of emotional mistreatment and neglect that underlies these responses in me, and the current trigger does seem to be my perception of others' expectations of me. While we're travelling we have met up with several family members over stretches of days, which comes with the assumption that our days will be spent together. Because of my pleasing and perfecting habits this is just too much for me and I need to moderate shared time in order to take care of myself and my energy. Nonetheless I know that I must spend an ácceptable' amount of time with our visitors and so the internal pressure mounts and I perform rather than live the experience. This is still exhausting for me, and on reflection, a sad situation as I'm in survival mode not enjoyment mode. 

The crux is that I am terrified of being seen in my imperfect, sorrowful and vulnerable reality, even though I yearn for this at the same time. I am yearning to be free and fully myself, able to put limits on my availability without guilt or shame. So, it seems I know what is going on for me, but I still feel very stuck.

I'm now catastrophising about my ability (or not) to keep my stuff together when 'expected' to meet up with an extended family group next week, and then take up caring for my nephews as my sister goes away to celebrate her special birthday - all of which I thought I wanted to do, but now feel obliged and terrified of being a mess at the same time. It isn't surprising I guess to add that we didn't do vulnerability in our home growing up - it meant demotion, exclusion or ridicule. Few tears were shed or consoled. And I guess this is what I need and imagine would be healing for me.

So, early this morning I realised that while I'm definitely dealing with my own shame about being a messy, emotional being in need of comfort, I also have a major challenge in relating from a strong sense of self and boundaries. People-pleasing is the opposite of boundary-keeping. I am becoming more aware of how I have used this unhelpful strategy to get by in life, and now how important it is to change this - in every relationship.

Happily I had a supportive and non-confrontational conversation with my H over a lovely mocha, and he showed that his old habits of anger and blaming are no longer his go to's. I was pleasantly surprised and have been offered options if I continue to feel overwhelmed and distressed. How fortunate I am.

This really is a long journey of persistant awareness, empowerment and change.

Hope and encouragement to us all.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Annas and everyone,

I can understand and relate to your dilemma. I think there can be a drive to soldier on and keep meeting other people's needs and demands and that this can be especially present when you weren't allowed to be vulnerable growing up. I also grew up in an environment where it was uncommon to be consoled and expressing vulnerability was met harshly. It would be great if you could find an environment or outlet in which you can allow your emotions out and be held in that space by the other person's empathy. I think it was last year I broke down and cried in front of my psychologist who was just simply there with me. I realised I think that was the first time in my life anyone has ever been present while I cried (and I mean more fully breaking down, not just a few tears). It really was quite healing and it did break some internal barrier within me. So I think your stuckness can shift and it might just be finding a supportive context in which that can happen, which I think also happens more spontaneously when you feel safe and trust who you are with.

There is definitely no shame at all by being, as you describe, a messy, emotional being in need of comfort. That is vulnerability, and I think, as paradoxical as it seems, it is out of that vulnerability that strength grows. I am learning a stronger sense of self is possible. This is occurring through me developing a protector within who has been taking care of my inner child who didn't receive the protection and support she should have in actual childhood. I am getting a bit more fierce at protecting her in the way I have always been protective of others. I am bringing some of that outward directed energy back in towards myself. I can feel the protector in me growing stronger, but I used to feel so incredibly fragile and like a conduit for everyone else's pain in life so that I would feel this immediate drive to try and fix/heal their pain.

I think, too, simply practicing helps. I wonder if you can take just one example on your travels where you would like to assert a boundary and just give it a try. It might be just letting people know you need some self-time, or whatever words work for you. I think it is quite reasonable to not be around others all the time. It sounds like you are very aware too within your own body when things are too much by the way you feel you are performing rather than living experiences and how this is exhausting for you. You may feel a lot lighter if you can manage to assert a boundary. I think the usual feeling is relief when you know it is the right decision. Your body just says thank goodness and then there is the excitement of getting to pursue what you would like to do with that time.

It's great you had the supportive conversation with your H. I think what you say about it being a long journey of persistent awareness, empowerment and change is spot on and I feel like I'm going through that process too.

All the best,

ER

[Annas1]

ER, I have just read your beautiful response a second time and am really moved by your gentle reflections and validation. I feel soothed and hopeful by what you have said. I agree that feeling safe is a big part of letting go emotionally, and I am working towards this with my own psychologist who understands the journey (and my resistance!).

And yes, I'm experimenting with my authoritative voice (a form of boundaries) and having some pleasing outcomes. It is all part of a difficult realisation I had not too long ago that my life is actually for me, when I have been living as though I owed my life to others first. It's a big shift in perspective that I am trying to bring to the fore in order to create the life I want for myself, and which will bring joy and benefits to others as a result. (Probably frustrations too!)

Such gratitude and warm wishes 😊

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Annas,

Thank you. Yes, finding that safety is such an important thing isn’t it. I’m slowly establishing it little by little even though I can still feel very vulnerable in the world at times. I am so glad you have that good support from your psychologist who understands your journey.

I am grateful to you too because it helps to know there is someone else who understands the challenges of trying to find your own voice and life, even though I wish things had been easier for you and that you didn’t have those challenges. But I think the sensitivity of being as aware of others as you have been means there is compassion there and that never goes away. I think it’s a case of learning to redirect the same compassion towards yourself. I think new opportunities and experiences open up as that self-care starts to become part of life. I feel like I’m only just on the cusp of that myself.

Very warm wishes to you too 😊