Double life

Creutz · ‎20-09-2018

It’s hard to know where to start. First of all, I’m a 35 year old gay man who came out to his wife about one year ago, just prior to our 6th attempt at IVF (8 years of trying). I still don’t think I’ve been able to move past that conversation, which was fairly traumatic for my wife to say the least. Not because of my sexuality, but because she thought I was leaving her. We met at the age of 19, and have been married for 11 years, together 16. The key driver to come out to my wife was due to a beautiful man that I had met, who I had developed strong feelings for. Like most of the stories on here, I identify with having strong feelings about my wife also, as a best friend, confidant and partner. I think the reason I haven’t left (and the reason why she hasn’t) is because of the shared feeling of not being able to live without each other. The idea of divorce terrifies me as well I must admit. To add further complications, we now have a 5 week old son, who I love very dearly, especially after so many years of trying. Leaving his side even for a night makes me very anxious. So here I am... a new father who happens to be married and gay, and in love with a man and a woman (in different ways), but unable to leave either of them. What do I hope to achieve on here? Clarity and direction I suppose, some kindred spirits and a way to move forward out of this mess. Also worth noting that yes, I’ve spoken to psychologists over the years, some better than others... but all of them expensive!

Only_I_know · ‎30-09-2018

Hey John, glad the Team site may help. It has me, I'll be looking up others in a few more weeks, when in my own place. I wouldn't worry about feeling like an outsider, in my experience with the group I've joined, I don't discuss my home life too much. Some have taken a bit of an interest in knowing me, they know I'm separating and only "out" for 5 months, but I don't really talk too much about it. It's really just like going to any other new group, you don't go around advertising your life.

I don't mind you asking why I haven't explored anything sexually. I don't want to sound like I've taken a high moral approach to my life, but the fact that I didn't explore anything during marriage means that I won't allow myself to explore whilst I'm still living in the same house. I'll wait until I move out. I have 2 kids-a 16yo son and 10yo daughter. I can't stand the thought that they would wonder where I am and what I'm doing. They may anyway, but they wont be waiting for me to walk back in the door.

Besides, it frightens me. I guess I feel like an 18yo virgin again. No confidence etc. I also don't think anyone would want to be with me, I don't think of myself as attractive or appealing to anyone. I'm carrying excess weight, and I guess have a low self esteem. My goal when I move out is to lose weight and get used to being out on my own. Get myself right and in a place where I'm happy with who I am. I'm not into casual hook-ups, it doesn't appeal to me at all. Again, not that I'm judging, it just doesn't do anything for me. I get that things may change after I move out - who knows what will come my way? I'm leaving myself open to "going with the flow" - which incidentally flies against all of who I currently am - rigid, process driven, set in my ways. But I think that is a product of me needing to have my walls up around me for so long.

I feel selfish for being a little excited by being out on my own, and the possibility of meeting someone and ACTUALLY experiencing something that I've only ever fantasised about. I know for sure though, that had I not gone down the path I'm currently on, I wouldn't be here in a year or so to even discuss it.

I'm glad you are comfortable talking to your wife about it. You should do whatever feels right for both you and your wife. If you are reasonably happy with your current situation, then stick with that until you no longer are. If you've promised to not do anything with another guy whilst together, then stick to it.

Daz

Only_I_know · ‎30-09-2018

Hey Creutz, I guess that only you can decide whether it is worth it or not. Not ever being in love with anyone other than my wife, I don't know how this would effect you. I certainly understand how you feel though about letting her down, especially with a young child - achieved through IVF. Both of my kids were a product of IVF too, and it was an awful experience on both occasions we were successful, with 7 in between the 2 that weren't. It is a gruelling and punishing experience for both of you, but physically more for her. I know you'd feel that you owe it to her to stand by her.

Not being with her though, wouldn't mean that you wouldn't be part of her or your son's lives. She already seems to care about you, and understand who you are. You may be selling her short. It may be just that she is afraid to raise your son on her own, but it needn't be that way. You may be fairly happy in your current situation, but it sounds like the guy you like isn't. I must admit, I can't blame him. But the bottom line is that you need to do what you think is right for you. If you do things for others, then you won't live the life that you were meant to. I've been down a very dark path that almost cost me everything, almost leaving my family without a husband and dad. I would only say to you that it is way to easy to take that path, but please don't let it.

Just take a deep breath and consider all the options that are best for you, and then make an educated decision, and be happy with that decision no matter what the cost.

have a good week.

Daz

C4 · ‎30-09-2018

I guess I’m a bit jealous of her moving on so quickly and finding someone where as I now have to start again from scratch dealing with my sexuality at my age 46 living on my own with not many friends and scared of the future. It’s like being a teenager again unsure of myself and worried what people will judge me for being who I am . It’s hard when you loose your identity that you’ve had for so long and sexuality you thought was right and self worth. I suppose I was worried about starting again and finding someone else which is scary as I had a relationship for 20 years . It’s been 16 months now and I’m getting used to it but it’s ok I’ll be alright thanks for caring . Craig

Esti67 · ‎30-09-2018

Hey Creutz,

Can i clarify something? Does your wife know you have been regularly seeing another guy or that you are gay and would like to? When i broached the subject with my husband his words were that he doesn't want to lose me and if this is what it takes to keep me he will do it. (both he and the woman i am seeing are in favour of an open relationship) moreso than me actually. The two people i love also know and like eachother. These are early days tho and subject to change as things develop. We talked about what wouldn't change, that we are both parents, grandparents and have a long history with eachother's extended families which was helpful. I think also whatever path you take you do have rights with your son.

I know you are fearful of losing everything and i completely understand that fear because its one i share with you. I fear my children ( now adults) will judge me badly and i will lose them should i end up in time with the woman i am seeing. My hope is that whilst being angry/ betrayed they will also remember that i have been and will always be their mum who has been a good mum at that. Maybe your family will see this in time after they get over the initial shock and hurt. You sound really paralyzed at the moment which is probably playing havoc with your mental health and ability to function. That is not good for anyone. To echo the words in one of your posts -" i'm certainly not unhappy in my marriage, i love my wife but I'm gay," that resonated with me and through all my reading in trying to sort through this stuff in my head it became clear to me that if this is who i am, it won't go away. I might be able to shelve it for a while, but it will come back. You sound like a lovely man and I'm sure that your family will see that even if they don't understand the choices you make. Sometimes we don't even understand why we do the things we do, we only know what feels right.

I hope your man takes the pressure off you to decide, ( kind of unfair of him at this particular time) its hard enough with a 7 week old baby. You probably want this sorted out so you can move forward but take your time with this and look after your mental health as these are very big decisions you are making.

Hugs

E

Creutz · ‎01-10-2018

Thank you Daz, John and Esti. I got quite emotional reading your messages. I appear calm and collected on the surface, which is what my family sees, however I’m just a mess inside and barely keeping it together. This has been on my mind constantly for almost 2 years & I’m tired.

John - my guy is uneasy about me staying married. He feels that she will dictate his life in the future ie. when he sees me, not being able to marry me and also not able to make simple financial decisions. I know that he loves me with all his heart.. he has stuck around for longer than a year waiting to be with me. He wants to meet my friends and family though which is tricky. How do I explain who he is? Sometimes I think he deserves an uncomplicated life because he has so much to offer and is so beautiful. I love him immensely.

Daz - so true with IVF. Was very tough, and I think because it took so long, the attention from friends and family has been intense. This places great pressure on my decision. People would be devistated if they found out that we were breaking up. I’m the only son, and my family sees my son as the “continuation of the family name”. I couldnt imagine them not being able to spend Christmas’ and family events with him. I also love my in-laws very much and I’m close with them. You’re right that the guy I’m in love with isn’t happy.. but he has been by my side through the pregnancy and hardships, and I feel he is the only person who truly knows me.

Esti - yes, my wife knows I’m gay. She found a conversation I had saved on my computer with a counsellor from QLife. In this conversation, I discussed how I felt, and that sometimes I wished that I was having a child with him and not her. However, she believes that I haven’t pursued things and that it isn’t as serious as it actually is ie. doesn’t know we’ve continued to see each other. During the TV show I was talking about earlier she said that she thinks it’s selfish to have 2 relationships and that the characters in the show should “choose one relationship”. This provided me with insight. So this has scared me a lot. My gut tells me that, like you, it would be an uneasy situation to pursue both relationships... but I can’t bare to lose either of them.

My guy has reached the end of his patience though. He’s sick of not spending weekends and holidays with his “partner”’and not feeling integrated into my life, which is understandable.

I need to make a decision soon, and stick to it in order to move forward.

C4 · ‎01-10-2018

Hi Creutz I’m sorry your put in this predicament and will have to eventually chose . Whichever person you decide to be with the other will be devastated you must be beside yourself. I don’t know what I would do in your situation I read it with sadness for you as we don’t chose who we fall in love with or chose our sexuality it’s not fair on you or anyone of us in your situation. I understand the mental anguish your going through of knowing you want to tell your wife but knowing that it will devastate her if the truth got out . I used to look in the mirror every day and cry at the failure of a husband I thought I was I remember when I came out just going to work and holding it together was hard my life fell apart and everyone saw it . Just having to pull yourself together was hard but I wouldn’t change things now and when you decide on the best course for you and your wife it will become a lot easier for you both . I wish I could offer more support but just know I’m here as well if you need to talk ok . Craig

Definitely_Otherwise · ‎01-10-2018

Hi Creutz,

I’m the lesbian, female equivalent of your ‘beautiful man’ that has been left in the dust, after 18 months of being used and consumed by a married women, who separated from her passively controlling, unfulfilled husband, only to go running back to a man she told me she has never loved. Ever.

She told me the love she felt was like a brother, that it is a ‘business marriage’, and that he will always be family, but that she has tried to leave him many times and been miserable for years.
We kissed before she separated from her husband but I told her I didn’t want to sleep with her unless it was over with him, but I was her confidant, her support, her amigo, that something that was missing in her life……….

I figured it out for myself that she had ran back to him. She was going to hide it from me, and continue stringing me along.
That day was my birthday.

I’m not a big drinker, but I didn’t move an inch from the seat I was sitting in all day at my kitchen table, and opened my first glass of wine at 9 o’clock in the morning and I think I must have gone all day and passed out. I was gutted.

She was the first women I have truly loved. It was visceral with her.
I went into shock, but now that time has passed details are filtering back and I’m left bewildered, asking myself if I knew her at all.

In the end I just wasn’t worth it. She said to me once, “I don’t think I am strong enough to live as a lesbian”.
I recommend you take a step back and slow down and get a counsellor or therapist. An independent 3rd party that you can talk to regularly. Regardless of what you do, you need emotional support outside of your family.
Def

marcus_c · ‎01-10-2018

Hi Creutz, sounds like things are really coming to a head. I wanted to pick up on one little thing in your post, and I may be reading too much into things, but there may be something in it. When you said

My guy has reached the end of his patience though. He’s sick of not spending weekends and holidays with his “partner”’and not feeling integrated into my life, which is understandable.

Why did you put the quote marks around partner? Is it because you think he doesn't see it as a real relationship, or do you see it as somehow less legitimate than being married to a woman? Is this also perhaps why you find it so difficult to leave your wife, that you'll feel less legitimate as a man? There's no judgment in these questions, they are very common things to feel. But they may be affecting your decision making.

Esti67 · ‎01-10-2018

You make some excellent points Creutz.

It does sound like it's time due to your own mental health needs. You must be exhausted with all this. I would suggest that whoever you decide to be with, be clear about what you want, be kind and be respectful. Be prepared for the anger although in time when everyone has had some distance from the situation they will understand how hard its been for you. Don't beat yourself up about this, life is already hard enough and if you keep the focus on why you are doing this (that life is short and you deserve to be happy rather than living out your days as half a person and whoever you choose deserves all of you not half of you) Mostly, you deserve to be the best version of yourself. I'm sure the important people will eventually understand. They love you and the situation you are in is now no longer manageable. Its ok to put yourself first especially if it means that you are better when you are with them. We are much happier now that we are open about it but my husband doesn't know how deep my feelings run for the woman i am seeing so i too predict storms ahead. Sometimes you need short term pain to get what will eventually be happiness in the long term.

I hope this works out for all of you

E

Creutz · ‎01-10-2018

Hi Marcus,

Not intentional at all.. not sure why I did that actually. I don’t feel as though coming out as a gay man would make me any lesser of a man.