Trans, Lonely, and Scared

[Manalishi]

Hi, so I've been on this forum for a little while now, and have recently come to the realisation that I want to be a woman, what follows is a hazy recollection of the 3 or so weeks since that happened.

At first I was so excited, finally I'd found out who I really was! But that excitement soon gave way to the rollercoaster of anxiety and depression I'm all too familiar with. For the first couple of weeks I thought I was a fake, that I just wanted to be "different" somehow to spice up my horrifically boring existence, and the terrible reality of what an enormous task I'd have to undertake began to sink in. Now I sit here at 1 in the morning, miserable, feeling that my dreams will never be achieved, a feeling that is in no way helped by my anxiety, which keeps me thinking that every day might be my last. I came out to my brother, and he was accepting and supportive, but I'm not sure how much help he can really be due to his own mental problems, and deep down I wonder if he even believes me.

Coming out, it's supposed to be such a momentous, relieving event isn't it? Well, for me it holds nothing but terror. The only person in my family that I'd feel comfortable talking about this with, my Mother, passed away 3 years ago, likely believing that I hated her due to the crap way I treated her as a teenager. My Father is controlling, and has Asperger's Syndrome, which makes it very hard to get him to understand a lot of things. Add to that the fight we had at the start of the year when he threatened to throw both me and my brother out of the house over trivial things like cleaning, food etc. and you see why I'm dreading telling him about me. There is some small ray of light in here though, my grandmother has always loved and supported me through the years, and she seems like the best person to tell about this next, though I don't imagine she'll be able to offer much support, it'll be nice to let someone else know at least.

I just feel so lost right now, there are no women in my life at all, I have no friends, and I'm practically a recluse, only leaving the house for groceries, exercise, and the occasional job interview or game night. I also feel an immense amount of guilt regarding my mother, and in some ways I feel that what I'm going through now is a redemption of sorts, though I often wonder if I deserve a chance.

Please help, I'm barely holding it together at the moment, I need someone to hug me and tell me everything's going to be OK, but there's no one here.

[Doolhof]

Hi Manalishi,

It certainly sounds like you have a few things in your mind to contend with right now, who you will tell, thoughts about your Mother and your Father and feeling lonely.

I would like to suggest that you call the Beyond Blue support help line on 1300 22 4636, they may well be able to make some suggestions on support groups in your area and just listen to how you are feeling.

I find that writing down my thoughts helps me immensely.

I realise that your Mum has died, but it may help you to write her a letter. Tell her everything you are feeling. You can destroy the letter after you have written it, or maybe keep it in a safe place, read it out to her memory or do what ever you think may be suitable.

It may certainly help to have a chat with your Grandmother. She may not understand what you are going through, but she may well be willing to listen to you.

Hopefully chatting about how you are feeling here helps as well.

Hope you find some answers and direction!

Cheers from Dools

[Manalishi]

This is hopeless.

Today it took me 3 hours to even get out of bed, I'm a prisoner in my own home, unable to do the slightest when it comes to experimenting with my gender. Things I loved doing last week like playing video/board games, and painting seem pointless now, and my anxiety's convinced me I have cancer, and will be dead by the end of the year, if I don't have a heart attack first. Frankly for the last couple of days I've wanted all my worries about my health to be true, that way I'd know the pain would end soon at least.

I'm completely trapped, and I feel that any attempt to proceed will likely rapidly result in me becoming homeless. My name is Catherine, and I feel like I'll never be able to introduce myself to anyone.

Merry Bloody Christmas from a lonely woman who'll probably never become her true self.

[Quercus]

Hi Catherine,

It is lovely to meet you even though right now it is clear you are distressed and hurting.

There is a place called QLife and I wonder if you might find some reassurance there as well as writing here. I don't know much about feeling as if you were born the wrong gender but I do know you aren't alone or weird or any of the horrible things our minds tell us when we feel hopeless and stuck.

Website: qlife.org.au
Phone: 1800 184 527 (3 pm – 12 am AEST)
Online chat (3 pm – 12 am AEST)

Do you think this might help you right now as you feel so alone?

It is hard to only offer you links when it feels like Im fobbing you off. Im not. I care very much and it is hard to see you hurting when I know there is hope but you need support to be able to see it too in time.

What feels achievable for you today? Being unable to leave home doesnt mean alone ok. If you feel at risk it is important that you reach out and ask for an ambulance or even for someone to sit with you. Does your Grandma live with you?

Sometimes we can ask a family member to just sit and not have to tell them why. Would your brother or grandma be able to do this?

Christmas is a painful time and new years too. I find it makes me distressed because I feel the need to fix everything NOW. Not sure why. But it is just a day and you have time ahead to work towards your transition. It will happen eventually as cliche and irritating as that sounds.

Right now what is important is finding the supports you need and building skills and knowledge to keep you safe. If you need an ambulance please just call ok. There is no shame in feeling alone and trapped and hopeless. My situation may be very different but those feelings I know and they can be overcome with help.

I'm pretty honoured to be the first person in this world to welcome and meet you as Catherine. Please be very gentle and kind to yourself.

Love Nat

[Manalishi]

Hi Nat,

I'm actually feeling a lot better now, I was very angsty about being around family at Christmas, which was probably why I've been so anxious and depressed in the last few days.

I ended up talking to my grandma after lunch one on one, and she guessed from the little clues I gave that I was having thoughts about my gender, so I ended up coming out to her there and then. It went even better than I'd hoped, she was so loving and supportive and told me to come back to talk anytime I wanted. So, yeah, everything turned out OK in the end, I still have my health worries, but they've lessened in intensity, so I'll manage.

Hope your Christmas turned out as great as mine eventually did.

Catherine

[Quercus]

Hi Catherine,

Thank you for replying and I'm stoked that your Grandma was so awesome. Having a supportive loved one makes such a difference... Just look at the difference between your last few posts!

Reading this has made my day too. Thank you ☺.

[Manalishi]

Hi everyone

Had a rough new year's, my health worries took over completely and I was riven with despair over the thought that I had terminal cancer. Things have improved though, and I've seen my doctor and arranged to get tests done which will confirm things one way or the other. And thinking about it more, it's probably nothing to worry about, and if it is, the symptoms only appeared around 3 months ago, so my chances are probably fairly decent.

I went to the Freedom Centre in Perth today, had a good time chatting with fellow LGBT+ people. Unfortunately it seems that using my new name in conversation causes me a bit of dysphoria, but considering it was for the first time in real conversation I guess it's natural for it to be a bit unnerving. I've also met several other local transfolk online, and I'm going out for a boardgame day with one of them on Sunday!

Hope everyone else is doing well

Catherine

[LizK]

Hi Catherine

Just wanted to say hi and hope you are doing ok? I am also trans and struggeld all my life with it. I have been living full time for a number of years now and have almost complete my physical transition. Happy to chat and answer any questions I can. I am also in my 50’s so understand the struggle you have had.

Take care

Liz