Double life

[Creutz]

It’s hard to know where to start. First of all, I’m a 35 year old gay man who came out to his wife about one year ago, just prior to our 6th attempt at IVF (8 years of trying). I still don’t think I’ve been able to move past that conversation, which was fairly traumatic for my wife to say the least. Not because of my sexuality, but because she thought I was leaving her. We met at the age of 19, and have been married for 11 years, together 16. The key driver to come out to my wife was due to a beautiful man that I had met, who I had developed strong feelings for. Like most of the stories on here, I identify with having strong feelings about my wife also, as a best friend, confidant and partner. I think the reason I haven’t left (and the reason why she hasn’t) is because of the shared feeling of not being able to live without each other. The idea of divorce terrifies me as well I must admit. To add further complications, we now have a 5 week old son, who I love very dearly, especially after so many years of trying. Leaving his side even for a night makes me very anxious. So here I am... a new father who happens to be married and gay, and in love with a man and a woman (in different ways), but unable to leave either of them. What do I hope to achieve on here? Clarity and direction I suppose, some kindred spirits and a way to move forward out of this mess. Also worth noting that yes, I’ve spoken to psychologists over the years, some better than others... but all of them expensive!

[marcus_c]

Hi Creutz, congratulations to you and your wife on your new son. What an exciting time! But also pretty challenging for you. You've said you're hoping for some clarity and direction, and I hope you can get some of that by chatting here. Here's what I would suggest for a start: do what is best for you, your son, and your wife, and try not to get caught up in other people's expectations of what you *should* be doing or running your life. You haven't yet gone into detail about how your wife and the man in your life feel about this whole situation, but (provided this works for everyone) there is no reason why you have to get divorced at this stage, or move out. There is nothing set in stone that says we need to have one person in life that provides everything for us. You and your wife are best friends and have a child together, which you can provide a stable parenting environment for. It's only society's expectations that say you and your wife should also be romantic partners. It's more complicated, obviously, but provided the three of you can come to an arrangement that works for everyone, why should you have to leave either of them? It may not work out that way, but in working out how to move forward, try to think of this whole situation in terms of what everyone's needs are, and not what their expected roles are. Does that make sense?

[Creutz]

Thank you Marcus. What you have said has really helped me a lot, and is probably more useful than 99% of the insight provided by counsellors etc. A number of people have suggested this course of action, just not in such a clear way. I know a few things for sure - I’m certainly not unhappy in my marriage with my wife. I love her... but I’m gay. She has clearly indicated that she loves me also and doesn’t want to leave. I have told my wife about “the man in my life” and she knows I have feelings for him, but I’m not sure that she would tolerate a situation where I’m spending time with both of them. It’s very difficult. Is this fair on her? Would it prevent her from moving on in her life? However she’s a grown woman, and even though she knows I’m gay she has chosen to stay with me and to have a child with me. I’m just worried that there is no going back if I have a conversation with her about wanting to pursue a relationship with both of them (one romantic and the other as a best friend). Once I say it I can’t take it back, and it may do irreparable damage to my marriage. I do love the man I have met very much (and have been seeing him for more than a year now) and even though my brain has told me to be logical and to let him go, I just can’t. He is everything I could have wanted in a man, and he has been by my side through everything... the pregnancy etc. I just can’t bare to lose him. He knows everything, but not my intention to stay married. I think he would like to get married someday and has mentioned many times that he thinks I’m living a double life.

[Esti67]

Hi Creutz,

Welcome to these forums. Firstly, i think Marcus has given you the perfect reply. I am in a situation very similar to yours but about 15 years on. I outed myself to my lovely husband about 1 month or so ago now after finally realising that i am a lesbian. I am 51 and like you have been with my husband since age 16. I had developed very strong feelings for a friend but continue to struggle with the love i have for him and the hurt that i am causing him, as like your wife, he is my best friend and I cannot imagine him not being in my life. At the same time I have started sleeping with my friend and my husband now knows and we have an "arrangement". I'm not sure how sustainable this is but for now it works, i don't feel like i need to sneak off, he's glad its her as he knows she is kind. To echo Marcus and Birdy (who added to my story on another thread), there are lots of ways to have relationships and it doesn't really matter what anyone thinks. I would like to add though, you need to do what makes you happy. In my situation I feel that this arrangement is only short term as i would like to out myself properly and this holding pattern is a compromise that im not entirely happy with but for now it reassures my husband that we will always be in eachothers lives. I dont sleep with my husband although he would like us to which is a bit tricky but despite this there is a lot of intimacy, cuddles and love. You have a very young son and emotions are probably very heightened at the moment so a huge decision should probably be shelved temporarily. It is a difficult situation you are in but again, i would like to emphasize, do what is right for you and if your relationship with your wife is good and you are both respectful it will all work out. Good luck, i really feel for you.

E

[Creutz]

Thanks Esti67. It’s hard isn’t it. The content battle that you fight with yourself... a comfortable life vs coming out. Risks in both approaches. I think I’m just afraid of losing everything. I’m not close with my family (although they would certainly still judge me for what I’ve done from their high horse position) but I’m close with my wife’s family. I’m also scared of losing my son .. especially if she handles it all badly and decided to move back to her hometown. I just have no idea of how she would react. We watched a show on tv today called 9-1-1.. where a husband comes out as gay, has kids and has already started a relationship with another man, but also wanted to maintain a relationship with his wife. The wife called it “having his cake and earring it to”. She was in pain and thought her husband was selfish, and asked for a divorce. I just couldn’t believe that we were sitting there watching a show with characters facing identical issues to mine. My wife asked me if I think this will happen to us one day!! I just palmed it off. She also said that the husband was being selfish. So there we go! I know how she would feel now if I told her about my boyfriend. Made me very afraid and upset. Do you know anyone who has dealt with this situation long term and had it work for them? I’m losing faith in this path as an option ie. staying married and having a “guy friend” at the same time.. is it really selfish?? I just don’t know anymore.

m

[marcus_c]

Hi Creutz, it's a tough one. Making it work relies on both of you being pragmatic about the situation. I can understand the 'having the cake and eating it too' comment from your wife's perspective, but it works both ways. She's aware that your heart is actually elsewhere, but you're terrified of leaving because you don't want to lose your son. Is keeping someone emotionally imprisoned really a great basis for a relationship? Such an open arrangement would also mean that she is free to have a romantic partner also, it's not just you having the cake.

I hear that you're afraid of a lot of things, of losing your son, of your family's judgment, of her family's judgment. I also hear that you appear to have found a man that you're very happy with, and that up until now, he has tolerated the situation while fairly assessing it as a 'double life'. That's a big sacrifice for him to be making, too.

It may be that you can't have everything, Creutz, and that is really tough. I would just say again, try and come back to what feels right for you and not the expectations and desires of others. They won't be the ones having to potentially look back with regret on lost opportunities and happiness when they're 80.

[Esti67]

Wow Marcus, again, you have hit the nail on the head. Creutz, we are both in very difficult situations. I would agree that in the end you need to do what is right for you. Some people do use this arrangement and it works for them but you both have yo be very evolved. My regret is that i didnt out myself earlier however we have lived a nice life together and i am grateful for that. I found that my feelings had intensified to the point that my sexuality ( and the other woman ) was all i was thinking of. I was miserable, i found it hard to concentrate and i wasn't sleeping. I did this for 6 months. It became obvious to my husband and children that something was wrong. Thats when i outed myself. I feel terrible that i have basically transferred my pain to my husband and whilst i feel a bit better, the occasional conversations we have incidentally like you have described remind me that this is incredibly painful for him. In terms of the arrangement, this is very new territory for us its only just started. Whilst my husband says he is ok, hes actually not, has more headaches and goes for long walks by himself. Honestly Cruetz, im not sure how this will go as for me, i feel its important to out myself and not live a lie and what we are currently doing , keeps me closetted because i know most people will think an open relationship is a bit weird , especially in the circles i move in. I think it comes down to what is important to you - your identity as a gay man or keeping everyone happy. For me, im taking my time with this and am prepared to wear whatever my husband dishes out. I know we will be ok eventually but it will need lots of communication. I will probably separate in time but this situation is a way of the three of us adjusting gradually to what is probably inevitable. I too am living a double life and its anything but comfortable. Please be kind to yourself.

E

[Esti67]

And i dont think its selfish but at some point you may have to make a call as your wife may not be able to reconcile that you have 2 people you love equally which is understandable.

E

[Johnny_11]

Hi Creutz

I'm in the same position as you. I came out to my wife 12 months ago, and had been living a double life for 3 years prior to that. We've been together 20 years, and have young kids as well.

When I came out to her, I expected that we would separate, but after talking it through we decided to try to make it work.

I've agreed to be monogamous, and if I decide that I can't be monogamous I will tell her and we will need to work it out. She doesn't an open relationship, so if I want to be with a man, currently it will most likely mean that we will separate.

Ive chatted to a few guys through an online support group, and most say that you should not make any decisions for the first 12 months of coming out to your wife. Also your wife is feeling very insecure, if you are want to have an open type relationship, she is going to need to feel that you are 100% committed to her emotionally. I have see examples of these relationships work, but its a slow process, it can take years, and you need a lot of honest communication and boundaries in place.

I also speak to a therapist that specialises in these types of relationships and helps men negotiate them, but like you said, he is exy. Let me know if you want his details.

There's no set path for people in our situation. Society tells us straight this way, gay that way, but I'm finding more and more that there are other options.

John

[Only_I_know]

Hey John

that's remarkable that your wife is okay and wanted to work through it. When I told my wife of 20years - 5 months ago - she just wanted to bury her head in the sand and wanted to remain as we were, but I knew that that would not work. I knew that I needed to explore my feelings - having never done so in my life (I'd been monogamous the entire time) - and I felt that possibly in 12mths it would start to play on her mind and we would eventually get torn apart by it, and our kids with it.

I wanted to wait to make any other big decisions, but she wanted me to move out and explore things - find myself so to speak, so now I'm just 5 weeks away from moving into my own place. We are really good, there's a lot of love still and she is my best mate and fully supportive, but when I move out, I will only be "out of the closet" for 6 mths. It terrifies me, living alone, and even exploring.

I too have a great psychologist, who is gay himself and very experienced in this, so going to see him really helps.

I have joined an lgbt groups through Team Melbourne, just to start getting out and meeting people and making new friends - expanding the social circle. I'm typically a very shy person and find it hard to talk to new people face to face unless there is something we have in common (and something I feel experienced to talk about!).

I wish you all the best of fortune, and hope your situation works out for you, whatever you decide. I know that my life has changed - I think (and hope) for the better, but only time will tell. I have awesome kids, great friends and an accepting family - so all should be good - right?

And yes you are right - I too am finding more and more options out there now that I am getting involved with the LGBT community.

cheers

Darren