Sexuality and gender identity

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Welcome! Read this to learn more about this section of the Forums

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Hello and welcome This is the Sexuality and Gender Identity section of the Beyond Blue Forums. This is a safe space to discuss sexuality and gender identity and share with others who have a lived experience of how these factors impact their mental health and wellbeing. We welcome all conversations here and want to know how you feel and what has helped you to be your best self. A few important tips and rules for this section are below. What is important is that this is a welcoming, kind and supportive space for everyone. Its purpose is to provide people who identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, intersex, queer or questioning (LGBTIQ+) a safe space to talk about how issues relating to gender identity and sexual orientation impact on mental health and wellbeing. This includes discussion of and support around chronic illnesses such as HIV which disproportionately affect gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men. As this is a safe and affirming space for LGBTIQ+ individuals, please note this is not an appropriate space for debating the "rights and wrongs" of homosexuality, bisexuality, or gender fluidity itself. This includes use of terms such as "lifestyle" and "choice". This sub-forum is and always will be a safe and supportive place for LGBTIQ+ people concerned with what we all need to do to stay well. That said, others are welcome provided they respect that this is primarily a LGBTIQ+ space. Thank you and welcome Beyond Blue

by BeyondBlue •

Community Manager•

Posted in Sexuality and gender identity

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04-03-2025

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LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place

replies: 224

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community. A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations Here you can ask questions about anything from questioning your sexuality/gender identity, coming out concerns, dating, mental health etc. If you are an ally (an Ally is a person who considers themselves a friend to the LGBTQ+ community) you are also welcome to come here to be a support to our community and ask questions as well. This is a supportive place for people to discuss their questions and concerns, we are not a place of judgement. As Thumper from the movie Bambi said "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all." If you are looking for a more social and light hearted conversation might I suggest joining us on the thread under BB social/rainbow cafe. Copy and paste the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything Feel free to introduce yourself below and ask any question/s I thought I'd answer one common question in the intro post and this is one I have heard a lot. What do the letters mean? When referring to the community it is shortened to LGBT+ as there are more letters than just the 4. I have put some of the common ones here: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual Two-spirited Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally Pansexual Agender Gender Queer Welcome everyone and hope to see you around on this thread and around the BB forums MP

by MsPurple •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Sexuality and gender identity

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22-08-2017

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224 unread

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Wanting to push forward but partner in denial

replies: 80

So here's my dilemma, I am a 51 year old late blooming lesbian. I finally admitted this to myself after many many sleepless nights and days on the verge of tears. This took about 6 months to get here. I knew that my attraction to women was now at a point that it was impossible to ignore and i made the choice to tell my husband who i adore. He is truly a beautiful man. He was gobsmacked, in total disbelief and devastated. We both cried (a lot) and i apologised profusely. He was beautiful. I told him i would like to separate but i am happy to go at his pace, as long as he needs. After a sleepless night and time to think he begged me to stay, said he couldn't go through with it and was sobbing terribly. I felt like i needed to backpeddle to comfort him because the thought of causing him so much pain isn't worth this. The truth is that i really do want to separate and live with my new identity but i cant bear what this is doing to him. I hate the thought of having to go through this again as the anxiety in getting to this point was crippling me. I have no idea how to move forward and i dont want to continue living half a life. In time i know i'm going to become miserable again.

My boyfriend is bisexual- or gay? Unsure

replies: 13

I am female, and around 6 months ago, my boyfriend of 4 years came out as bisexual to a gay friend of mine when he was really drunk. He never planned to come out but my gay friend confronted him about it when he had his guard down. This is something I always suspected and knew deep down. When I found out (through my gay friend) I mostly felt really sorry for my bf having to hide his true self for his whole life (he grew up in a small town and hence never felt comfortable to explore his sexuality). I was upset and confused but I know its not his fault so I'm not angry. He says he loves me and definitely wants to be with me. We are best friends and have often discussed our future lives together. Since the beginning of our relationship he has had performance issues (this might be a red flag?), so our sex life has never been great but we have spoken about it a lot and we are very open about his anxiety etc and trying ways to address it. I guess the biggest thing I am confused about is whether he is gay or bisexual. I don't think he is lying to me at the moment, but I just don't think he knows for sure. We at the stage in our relationship where we need to decide if we want to commit and take the next step (buy a house etc). I just scared if we stay together he will get to a stage in his life where he will realise he is unhappy with me (as a woman) and will want to explore his sexuality (he has only ever kissed another guy when he was 16). My friends are worried about me and have alluded to the fact that they think he is probably gay. None of his guy friends know as he is worried about how they would react and treat him differently, so we have kept it a secret. I am just really confused about what to do next, I know there aren't any rules for this situation. It breaks my heart when I think about letting go of our relationship and everything we have planned to do together, but my gut feeling says we should probably break up.

My boyfriend thinks he might be gay

replies: 6

Hi, I am posting here as I have no one to talk to. My boyfriend is my best friend and I would usually talk to him when I am upset but in this situation I cannot. My bf has always been honest with me, telling me he identified as bi. Recently he told me he might be gay. He has been watching a lot of gay porn and this has made him question his sexual identity. We have not had a great sex life for the last few months as a medical condition has made it painful for him and reduced his libido. Or at least that's what he told me, but has since admitted his thoughts about men have also been an issue. I put my own sexual needs on hold as I did not want to put pressure on him. So I do have a bit of resentment there. As recently as last week he was telling me how much he loves me and that he wants to marry me. This week my future is unclear. At the moment he is trying to decide if exploring his attraction to men is something he wants to do. I am supportive of whatever he decides. As we live together I offered to leave for a couple of days to give him space. As I hugged him goodbye he grabbed me and begged me not to leave and told me "All I want is you". So I stayed. That afternoon he visited a counsellor who told him he needed to explore his sexuality. Suddenly, "All I want is you" doesn't matter, and he asked me to leave to give him space and I have done so. However, now I am in limbo with no idea how long he will need. His attitude towards me has also changed... he won't call me babe and no longer says I love you. Although, he still maintains that he does not want to break up. I am worried I am clinging to hope that isn't there. He is also incapable or unwilling to offer me support although I reach out to him every now and them just to check in. Instead he is cold and distant although happy to talk to other people. I am glad he has others to talk to but where's my support? I feel guilty like I should not feel abandoned and angry at his lack of kindness and support, as I know he is going through a very difficult time. But is it too much to expect him to recognise that I too am in pain? How can I be the love of his life and the best relationship he has ever had (both according to him) one day, and treated like an acquaintance the next? This leaves me feeling like he just wants the relationship to be over. And I'm the fool for holding out hope. So confused and scared!

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay

replies: 296

The last 4 weeks have been sickening. I've cried countless times with the guilt and I'm so terrified. We've just celebrated 20years of marriage but I ruined it having cancelled our dinner date and night out in the city, because of the guilt had made me feel so sick. I'm not eating properly and now lost 10kg. She is the most beautiful woman I know and I hate myself for being gay. I just bloody hate it. No one else knows and it scares me to death. I have no one that I can vonfide in, and tggat makes me cry too. I've been mentally all over the place this last week, it's gotten so bad that I've started to think alot about death. Not that I think I'd do something dumb, but I can't stop thinking about suicide. I'm terrified about what my kids will think and my folks, who have shown themselves to be homophobic bigots in the past. I know they love me to death, and would probably be ok, but I'm really scared, like never before in 47 years. I question why I got married in the first place knowing I am gay, but I think I thought I could live a life hiding these feelings. I've never been with a guy in any way, but between the stress, guilt and anxiety, is all I think about. and I have been faithful as I really do love her with all my heart and it saddens me to break her heart, and mine. I've been playing it over and over in my head, I almost had a car accident today as I was crying and distracted, it's all totally consuming me. I think it may have been better, if not easier, if I had died, then No one would ever know, and her broken heart wouldn't be for knowing that her husband wasn't who she thought he was. It's really tough right now, talking to others over the last couple of weeks on this forum helped a bit, but I'm not sure if it is anymore, I know I'm sinking into some sort of depression and dont know what to do. I went to the dr about not eating, went for blood tests to see why, but I knew why. I was only going for the sake of my family. I wanted the dr to send me to a psychologist or something, but he wouldn'thave it. I'm really sick to death of it all, the lies, the confusion and the anxiety, and now lack of sleep. I'm thinking of telling her tomorrow but don't really think I'm brave enough. I'm a good person. It's just freakin fair.

I can't come out to my friends I've known the longest

replies: 1

I came out as gay to my parents and my family. Most people at school know too, I just can't seem to come out to the friends I've known since I was really little. Like 12 years of friendship and I can't do it. What do I do?

I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie

replies: 21

I posted somewhere here about a year ago... about the idea of knowing I'm gay.. but trapped in a marriage with small children. I came out this week.... to my oldest friend...to my therapist... and to another health professional. They have all been super supportive and told me I have their support no matter what i do. The implications of leaving this marriage are huge though. I do love my husband and kids... I don't want to hurt anyone purely to pursue my own sexuality. I've known for a long time .... but denied it and put it down to trauma experiences as a kid. But I've loved the same woman for 20 years... she's my soulmate. We can't be together... she will never come out even though she feels the same. I'm living a lie. I can't imagine leaving my life as I know it behind. But I also can't fathom the idea of living out this lie for the rest of my life. I have severe depression as it is... and right now my head is such a mess. I guess after all these years I just had to finally be honest with someone. Thanks for listening...

New life, but afraid.

replies: 5

Hi all, I am finding it hard to find the words as I have told no-one, I have been in denial for so long sometimes I don't believe it myself. But I am bisexual. Was just wondering how I could go about telling friends and family about who I really am? I ended a 12 year relationship about a year ago and started finding myself again and came to the realisation that I need to be the real me. But I am also scared of this journey to the point I will probably go back into denial. I hope this makes sense just after a bit of advice.

New Here - Married, Father and Transgender

replies: 3

Hi all, I am 46 years old and it has really sunk in over the past 2 years that I'm transgender. I'm married and have two wonderful daughters but know I can't live in denial anymore. When my wife and I first met I told her that I was a crossdresser and she told me that she never wanted to see me dressed as a woman, that was 10.5 years ago. Once while there was a show on TV re Caitlin Jenner my wife looked straight at me and told me she never wanted me to do that. Over time my feelings to transition have increased so 12 months ago I started seeing a therapist who agrees that I am transgender and is helping me think about what I truly want and also helping me to prepare to tell my family and friends. We have discussed medication and she is ready to prescribe them when I am ready. The problem I really have now is that my wife and I are having marriage issues (fighting and arguing) and I get cranky alot and know that bottling up the fact that I am transgender is not helping. I get cranky with the kids as well. I am thinking of moving out and getting my own place but am afraid of loosing my daughters, they mean so much to me. I'm in a place where I know that family life isn't good but have always been told that splitting up isn't the thing to do. Either way I scarred of hurting my girls, but at least if I do leave I might have a chance to finally let Alison be herself. Axx

Confused about own gender?

replies: 3

I've recently turned 25 and have begun to find myself overly stressed over, and conscious of my own sex very heavily. I was born as, and currently still am physically, a female, but never found myself to be interested in feminine clothes, or dolls, and liked things like 'hotwheels cars' and boys/mens clothes (which I still wear and enjoy) but I mostly just thought of that as me being 'tomboy' and didn't think much of it. But, recently over the past few years, I got heavily into online gaming, and enjoyed online forums and message apps, where I found that I was often mistaken for a man, but didn't really wish to, or feel the need to correct people about my gender, rather I felt a little bit like I liked it, people seeing/thinking of me as a man. But despite this, I somehow didn't give it much thought--that aside, I never found myself overly uncomfortable looking at my body as a woman, nor did I strongly feel as though I were born in the wrong body, which led me to believe that I don't have gender dysphoria. However after joining a chatroom recently, I don't know why but when the subject of gender came up, I introduced myself as male, and was left feeling guilty, like I'd lied--if somehow I were to meet any one of these people, they'd see me and think 'you aren't a man, you're a woman' and think I'd been lying to, or playing them, which makes me feel horrid, but them thinking I'm a male makes me feel comfortable, even though I don't explicitly feel like myself being a female is necessarily WRONG, I prefer to come across as a man? Which leaves me confused, if I were trans wouldn't I feel strongly like I AM be a man, instead of sometimes finding myself wishing I were? Lately, my confusion has been at it's highest, due to the fact that while I don't feel like it's WRONG that I'm a woman, I tried binding out of curiosity, and found that I enjoyed it? Seeing myself flatter, with a more masculine figure in the mirror and looking a little boyish left me with a strange feeling, something a little like being giddy, like I’d been praised, or I was proud? It’s difficult to describe, but I liked it, it made me want to try it more. But after experiencing this, I’ve come to be stressed—I’ll sometimes lay awake and realize I’m thinking things like ‘WHAT am I actually?’ I’ve spent 25 years as a woman and it didn’t feel overly ‘wrong’, but I’ve never been ‘girly’ and I’ve found myself liking being mistaken for a man lately. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you.

New!

replies: 1

I’m new, bisexual and masculine and not living for the hate I get

Welcome! Read this to learn more about this section of the Forums replies: 0

LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place replies: 224

Wanting to push forward but partner in denial replies: 80

My boyfriend is bisexual- or gay? Unsure replies: 13

My boyfriend thinks he might be gay replies: 6

Toying with the idea of telling my wife that I'm gay replies: 296

I can't come out to my friends I've known the longest replies: 1

I came out this week.. but I'm married, trapped & living a lie replies: 21

New life, but afraid. replies: 5

New Here - Married, Father and Transgender replies: 3

Confused about own gender? replies: 3

New! replies: 1