New Here - Married, Father and Transgender

[Alison1]

Hi all,

I am 46 years old and it has really sunk in over the past 2 years that I'm transgender. I'm married and have two wonderful daughters but know I can't live in denial anymore.

When my wife and I first met I told her that I was a crossdresser and she told me that she never wanted to see me dressed as a woman, that was 10.5 years ago. Once while there was a show on TV re Caitlin Jenner my wife looked straight at me and told me she never wanted me to do that.

Over time my feelings to transition have increased so 12 months ago I started seeing a therapist who agrees that I am transgender and is helping me think about what I truly want and also helping me to prepare to tell my family and friends. We have discussed medication and she is ready to prescribe them when I am ready.

The problem I really have now is that my wife and I are having marriage issues (fighting and arguing) and I get cranky alot and know that bottling up the fact that I am transgender is not helping. I get cranky with the kids as well. I am thinking of moving out and getting my own place but am afraid of loosing my daughters, they mean so much to me.

I'm in a place where I know that family life isn't good but have always been told that splitting up isn't the thing to do. Either way I scarred of hurting my girls, but at least if I do leave I might have a chance to finally let Alison be herself.

Axx

[Quercus]

Hi Alison and welcome to the forums.

It is sad to read about your wife being unable to accept your gender. I don't think we can change our sexuality. We need what we need. Trying to suppress needs is exhausting and can lead to resentment.

You didn't mention how old your kids are. Are they old enough to be able to talk openly to them about this?

Perhaps your therapist would be willing to help you facilitate a family meeting? It can help to have a neutral party present.

I hope in time you can find a way to express yourself as you feel inside.

Nat

[PamelaR]

Hi Alison and welcome to our forums

It's great you've found your way here. Life sounds rather difficult for you. I must confess I'm not sure how you must feel - living a life that you don't want. For me I always go straight for what it is that I feel and know I want. At times I think I'm a little selfish, but it's being true to yourself.

Having 2 children must add to the difficulties of what you are experiencing. As Nat says above - how old are your children? Are they old enought to understand the changes that may happen in the future?

I know of some people who are transgender, but are able to stay with their partners and live happy fulfilling lives. Maybe that won't happen in your case because your partner doesn't quite understand or 'want to understand' what is happening.

I guess what I'm trying to say is - just because you are transgender doesn't means your relationship has to end. Maybe it needs some work with a relationship counsellor??

It's really good you've found your way here. Feel free to browse our posts, threads and to join discussions that suit your situation.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[MaxineC]

Hello Alison, have you heard of a tv show called 'Transparent'? It's about a person who realises in middle age that they're trans, and goes through the whole story, including what happens to the wife and children and how they all relate to each other. The characters in the show, including the children, are all adults which perhaps is a bit different to your situation. I found it really moving, especially as over time the main character (Maura) has flashbacks where she realises she's had these feelings from a very young age.

It sounds like you're at a real crossroads here, your real identity is starting to become clearer but it may not be possible for you to live that identity and have the exact life you have now. Keeping the family together is really important for you too. When you say you're scared of hurting your girls, what are you worried might happen? As Nat and Pamela have said, there are a number of different ways this could pan out. What would you like to happen in an ideal world?