Double life

Creutz · ‎20-09-2018

It’s hard to know where to start. First of all, I’m a 35 year old gay man who came out to his wife about one year ago, just prior to our 6th attempt at IVF (8 years of trying). I still don’t think I’ve been able to move past that conversation, which was fairly traumatic for my wife to say the least. Not because of my sexuality, but because she thought I was leaving her. We met at the age of 19, and have been married for 11 years, together 16. The key driver to come out to my wife was due to a beautiful man that I had met, who I had developed strong feelings for. Like most of the stories on here, I identify with having strong feelings about my wife also, as a best friend, confidant and partner. I think the reason I haven’t left (and the reason why she hasn’t) is because of the shared feeling of not being able to live without each other. The idea of divorce terrifies me as well I must admit. To add further complications, we now have a 5 week old son, who I love very dearly, especially after so many years of trying. Leaving his side even for a night makes me very anxious. So here I am... a new father who happens to be married and gay, and in love with a man and a woman (in different ways), but unable to leave either of them. What do I hope to achieve on here? Clarity and direction I suppose, some kindred spirits and a way to move forward out of this mess. Also worth noting that yes, I’ve spoken to psychologists over the years, some better than others... but all of them expensive!

Johnny_11 · ‎08-11-2018

Hey Creutz

Hope things haven't been too stressful for you.... hope to hear from you soon.

Cheers
John

Creutz · ‎18-01-2019

Ok, a fair bit has happened since I last posted on here. Believe it or not, I'm now in a relationship with two people - my wife and my partner (male). Has this been an easy road? Certainly not. They have met each other a number of times, and I'm happy to say that they are quasi-friends. We had a pre-Christmas celebration together, spent New Years together and my wife has now even been to his apartment in Sydney for a visit. My male partner has even been spending a fair bit of time with my young 5 month old son, and I would go as far as saying that he loves my son. All sounds pretty good, right? Not really. It's actually been really hard. I'm so happy that everything is out in the open, but I have a terrible sense of this not working long term. I know that it wont. My wife is still completely in love with me, and is very dedicated to staying married even with the knowledge that I'm gay. She has said numerous times that she isn't going anywhere on her own accord ie. she would only leave the marriage if that's what I wanted. I also get the impression that my male partner isn't exactly comfortable with the way things are now, and based on some of his comments I'm thinking that he secretly hopes that I will divorce my wife sometime in the near future. He is also getting frustrated that our relationship is "hidden" from family and friends. How long will he put up with that? I think my wife has sensed this also, and is very uneasy. She's not herself, and sometimes isn't sleeping well, is sometimes depressed and worries about the future for us and our son. She doesn't see how this can work long term ie. what do we tell our son? Will it have a very negative impact on him? And as he gets older how do we explain this? He will tell family and friends about my male partner because kids have no filter. My wife also can't understand how I would want to spend weekends away from our son. It's true - I find it very very hard to be away from my son as I love him immensely.

So why do I make my life so complicated? Because I love them both immensely and I feel as though losing either of them would absolutely kill me. But the guilt also kills me. The guilt of being away from my wife and son, and also the guilt of not being with my male partner. The idea of not seeing my son every day is just heart wrenching, if my marriage didn't work. Losing my beautiful house...

The other day my wife said "How can you choose your sexuality over your wife and son"? Inspires so much guilt.

Esti67 · ‎24-01-2019

Hi Creutz,

I'm glad you have posted an update. Like me, you're in a difficult situation. It's incredibly difficult because no one is completely happy. Some people can make it work but i unfortunately couldn't. I found maintaining 2 relationships emotionally and physically exhausting. I had to make a choice but i prefer to say not her over him but rather my overall happiness and authenticity over my safe straight life. I'm comparing this to your wife's statement " how can you choose your sexuality over your son" . I put identity on par with family in terms of importance but its come at a huge cost. I have decided to separate from my husband. He was willing to hang on at any cost but it was untenable and i had to call it. He has an appointment with a counselor thank god because I cannot take the endless workshopping. We told our adult kids over the weekend and my daughter is not happy. I hope in time she will get used to the new order. She is more upset that i am leaving ( only 5 minutes away in my own place). I think in time she will come around and I'm prepared to wait but being here is suffocating and its not a happy house. So, i take the leap of faith and hope things work out with my girl. We love eachother but its not without it's complications.

I hope you are keeping well.

E