Double life

[Creutz]

It’s hard to know where to start. First of all, I’m a 35 year old gay man who came out to his wife about one year ago, just prior to our 6th attempt at IVF (8 years of trying). I still don’t think I’ve been able to move past that conversation, which was fairly traumatic for my wife to say the least. Not because of my sexuality, but because she thought I was leaving her. We met at the age of 19, and have been married for 11 years, together 16. The key driver to come out to my wife was due to a beautiful man that I had met, who I had developed strong feelings for. Like most of the stories on here, I identify with having strong feelings about my wife also, as a best friend, confidant and partner. I think the reason I haven’t left (and the reason why she hasn’t) is because of the shared feeling of not being able to live without each other. The idea of divorce terrifies me as well I must admit. To add further complications, we now have a 5 week old son, who I love very dearly, especially after so many years of trying. Leaving his side even for a night makes me very anxious. So here I am... a new father who happens to be married and gay, and in love with a man and a woman (in different ways), but unable to leave either of them. What do I hope to achieve on here? Clarity and direction I suppose, some kindred spirits and a way to move forward out of this mess. Also worth noting that yes, I’ve spoken to psychologists over the years, some better than others... but all of them expensive!

[Only_I_know]

Hey Cruetz, glad you feel this way. Unfortunately a lot of us have had those thoughts though. Maybe I didn't feel less of a man, but certainly less than human. But that's all the negative crap that goes through your head when you are at your worst. There are still days when I do feel that, but not to the intensity and frequency that I used to.

Hope things are going okay for you.

Daz

[Creutz]

Hi Daz, yes I agree. I had these thoughts also a number of years ago, but not now.

I’ve decided that this week I’m going to tell my wife that something needs to change - that I have a closed loop open relationship with my guy, or we need to separate. I’ve thought about it a lot these past few days in particular, and my wife (who knows I’m gay) cannot expect that I would be happy to not experience intimacy with another man. It would be the equivalent of her not having intimacy with men, and she has been able to experience that for her entire adult life with me. Yes, I chose to marry her and she believes that this is a lifelong commitment (as it should be really) but I’m pretty sure that my exclusive attraction to men voids this contract.

No doubt she will say that my focus should be entirely on my son, but I also have a life to live. Being in an open relationship in my marriage or separating isn’t about my son. It doesn’t impact on my ability to be a good father.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Cruetz, that is a fantastic and very brave decision for you to make. Just remember to try and be gentle. Yes you are right, you do also have a life to live - we all only get one, and we all deserve to be happy, and free to be who we are.
As we said before, being separated doesn't mean that you won't be helping raise your son. I'm not quite yet separated but the day is looming very soon, but my wife and I have made plans in relation to the raising of our kids. Mine are older than yours, so that means both easier and harder at the same time. Because they are older, it will be harder on them when I don't come home every night, but then they are also more understanding of how the world works too. For your young son, he will know no different.

I know that you understand that your wife will struggle with it, being a new mum, and her husband making a big call. She will already be emotional after having the child, but she will also have him to help take things off her mind. She has been through a lot too with the IVF, and will be confused and hurt.

I would encourage both you and your wife to seek some sort of counselling, either together or separate. Maybe you might feel that you don't need it as you have your guy, but I'm sure she will need it.

Make sure that you communicate with her constantly, in a gentle caring way, through this and going forward. Make sure you listen and ask for her opinion and how she feels about it. Don't give her any reason to turn the situation ugly. I've done this with my wife and so far it has worked out extremely well.

I really wish you both the best, having a young child is such a wonderful joy. Have the right people around you to share it with is also a joy.

Go forward and be happy. Enjoy being you, and enjoy being a dad, a wonderful partner to your guy, and a loving friend to your wife.

Let us know how you go. Good luck on this journey.

cheers

Daz

[Creutz]

Thanks Daz. Based on your post, it looks as though you believe that she will choose to separate. I’m hoping that this is not necessarily the case, but hey, her reaction is going to be unpredictable.

[Esti67]

Hi Creutz,

I echo Darren, his words are very wise. Gentle gentle gentle. For me, i just fell on my sword when i told my husband and cried and apologised a lot. (And we still do). Although in theory you you don't have to apologise for who you are and this is part of self acceptance which takes time, it did help him to see just how untenable the situation was for the both of us. We also don't have the added pressure of a newborn. The fact that you have already told her you are gay will soften the blow but it will still be hard for her to absorb. When our son left his wife this year following the birth of their daughter it affected all of us. He was still involved in fathering but like you in an incredibly bad way. He couldn't be his best as a father until he sorted himself out. We were all in shock, why would he want to leave, the best time of your life right?? Things are good now but when it was happening we early had breakdowns ourselves. You may get a big backlash from family so prepare for that. Keep good people around you, this will be a turning point in your life.

Good luck

E

[Only_I_know]

Hey Cruetz, obviously what I think doesn't matter, but in essence what I think I'm saying is plan for the worst, hope for the best (yep, the old cliché!). My opinion is really only based around my own knowledge and experiences.

Personally, if I was in your same situation, I would prefer to be off with my new guy, but still be in very close daily contact with my wife and new born son, supporting and raising both emotionally and financially. I could not imagine living with my wife and raising our new baby, but knowing that the man I love, and loves me back, is off in the wings - and that everyone is happy with the situation that way. I would feel like I was having my cake and eating it too, I would always be worried that even with how much I loved it, would my wife and my guy? what would happen the moment that something changed? Sorry if I come across a bit harsh - it isn't intended to be.

In my case, I just cannot imagine it working out the best for everyone (though I have read plenty of posts in other forums here where it seems to) - if this is truly what you desire, and both your wife and guy are not just okay with it, but are happy, then I say GO FOR IT!! and truly, from the bottom of my heart hope it works out for you.

As I said before, everyone deserves to be happy - YOU, your wife, and your guy, so the thing to ask yourself is what does this look like? have you asked your guy what he wants? does he want you to be with him? for you to say that he is your partner? I'd maybe be 100% sure of what he wants before you say anything to your wife. What if he is now past the point of caring? then you say something to your wife - she wants separation and then your guy wants out?

Just be careful, thoughtful and sure of what you want. I truly hope that it works out for you. We all are here to offer you advice and to perhaps challenge your thinking. Through my journey over the last few months, plenty of people have challenged my words and it made me think. I didn't necessarily change what I did, but I felt more confident with my choices and decisions. I just hope that I offer you some value.

have a great day

Daz

[Johnny_11]

Hey Creutz

Sorry, work has been sooooo hectic for me this week.

Did you have the chat? how'd it go??

Maybe this is too late, but I probably wouldn't give an ultimatum first off. I'd open up to her about the struggles and stress you've been feeling, and that you would like to explore an open loop relationship with your guy, and ask her how she feels about it. You want to create an environment where you can both talk opening and negotiate the terms. Even if it ends in separation, your wife will be in your life for at least the next 18 years, you want to have a good relationship with her, giving her an ultimatum straight up isn't very positive. Also you've been dealing with this for the past year or two, i'm expecting she's going to be a little shocked.

Hey Daz & Craig, how are you both? I don't really have any friends in the "real" world and def not anyone that I would chat to about this stuff, so I've really enjoyed our chats. Thanks.

John

[C4]

I’m sad at the moment sorry guys

[Johnny_11]

hey Craig, whats up? why you sad?

Please respond, worried about you.

Its ok to feel sad, you know it doesn't last, you will feel better. Is there someone you can talk to? Wish we could DM here.

I'm going to check this post regularly for your reply 🙂

John

[C4]

The reason I’m sad is because a friend of mine that I befriended through my lgbt group blocked me on Facebook and messanger and don’t know why there was no explanation or reason . Two weeks ago he invited me to his friends birthday dinner then we all went to a club over the road but I didn’t know we had to pay $10 to get in . I don’t carry cash so he paid for me . The next day he asked for the money back as it slipped my mind which is fair enough but said he doesn’t lend money to friends or family due to people not paying it back . I dropped it off in his letter box that day but didn’t go in as it was slightly uncomfortable. I didn’t hear anything off him all week and when I messaged him he replied once then blocked me . I feel so gutted and sad right now I feel like I’m unlovable and unlikable at the moment when all I want is friendship and company. I feel that no one wants to be my friend and don’t know why and I’m sick of crying over it and don’t know what I’ve done wrong maybe I’ve got too much baggage for them . I hate being gay right now as I’m beginning to think this is the life I’m stuck with no friends and no partner to want me as I want more than just sex I want to be loved and it saddens me to think I’ll never find someone. I just want someone to be honest with me and tell me if they don’t want to be my friend. Maybe I don’t deserve that honesty who knows . I’m sorry to be negative guys I’m just down at the moment.