Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

I've read that too rx. I tens to agree with it, especially with my situation.  

[randomxx]

Yeah , tbh l do too normally but ldk , she's had such a completed path but she did try with me for a long long time.

l still don't know though at times l think well ok - all that are is def' a thing and consideration but at the end of the day , ldk if enough to justify or over look this l can't be in a relationship stuff every 5mins.

[randomxx]

Mind you , l pretty well have backed away and let her have it and l've been serious too. Later on though she's popped up again as if nothings happened which is same right now again.

lt's just that l more than anyone know what's been going on so l sort of over look it and take it grain of salt but last few days l've been thinking l should be saying something like well which one is it ???

l know though she couldn't deal with that right now.

[CMF]

I've also read that most people aren't running away from a great partner.  They're running away from the parts of themselves they need to fix to get/keep that great partner. 

[randomxx]

God ldk. l also read a pretty common thought though too that if it "was" all there for them then, they'd wanna stay and work it out.

God knows she has tried with me but l see to now lately that troubles we have had just added to her stuff instead of helping her feel more safer and secure .

Mind you it's been far far far from some just typical normal situation though especially for her.

Anyway , one thing l have decided for sure, servo chick is gonna have to be left alone no way l can complicate my life or myself right now anymore than what it already is.

[randomxx]

l'll say one thing for servo girl , she certainly has the interested body language .

Not that you take much notice of random women body language even married women will still try it on all the time just to see if they still have means nothing but eh, it's still better than servo girl not having it l guess.

But l felt like saying orrrrr, so sorry as tempting as you are but l've decided l just can't do anything right now and just want to go on with my plans atm.

Even if gf and l don't sort it out it's just not a good time in this frame, sure she'd have a man stashed away anyway.

[CMF]

I read...reciprocation- not giving someone what they can't give you.

Servo girl must be picking up a vibe from you.

[randomxx]

Hmmm, spose that sums it it really doesn't it.

Servo girl , yeah tbh l'd love to know her situation butttt, it really is best l just go about my business for now bc even if, it wouldn't be fair on her, l'm just too all over the place atm.

[CMF]

Yeah, I'm not in that headspace either. I'm enjoying just being me. 

[randomxx]

Haaa lucky you , no clue what l'm doin atm except for what l am doing ha ha, just work and such. This one may be a rant. 

Head space wise though myself, well , just trying not to over think tbh atm, not worry about stuff goin on. Plan is, no plan, the cards right now will fall where they may. Including gf or maybe l should be saying O atm, d even know.

Well apart from my taking off for awhile plan anyway, that one's a cert hopefully.

Funny thing though today and now this ldk what to think about just yet either but it was really nice and l kinda like the idea. lt was sort of in the back of my mind too maybe later on but l was also just in the well we'll see what happens place with this too, but it had crossed my mind.

We talked again today and mind you we don't even know what we are right now anyway but my caravan and plans stuff came up and she says ahhh, l might just come to you instead of you wherever you'll be. l thought hmmm, l don't mind that idea. l've thought if we're still whatever we are at that time might even ask if she wants to.  And she'd really like it to l reckon she'd have a ball a caravan was sort of her idea actually awhile back in Sydney that's what gave me the idea.

So there was that but also some "us" stuff. l don't even know how we got onto it considering we aren't even talking us stuff atm and that she was back to also being too messed up to even have a relationship again a few wks back anyway. Mind you maybe l'm an idiot but which l usually take that stuff grain of salt anyway and sure as eggs few days later she's on the ph. lt's usually just of the top of her head, anxieties through the roof butttt, nother story.

l was saying though that l know l'd been a bit of an immatured so and so up at hers last and that l didn't handle things well and into all that a bit and the whys and what have you.

To my amazement she said the same about herself and she couldn't blame me knows she was off the charts - says she thinks she's going backwards maturity wise haha, and knows she was wrong about a lot of things but there was also the med thing going on as well. She is her old self again lately since she's been off them again too l can say that much.

But that's really big stuff coming from her though as l say she's not that great in self reflecting department they were big things for her to admit and l really appreciated it.

Soooo, a bit of a day on all that today for sure.

But ldk , weird too yaknow but sometimes l think we just won't go away, even where she flips or with our ups and downs , somehow we just always seem to still be there. Yaknow, maybe that's the way it's meant to be l mean not too many couples would've gotten through what we have l'll tell you that much with all her stuff earlier and even still now, 2 yrs of long distance thrown on top of it , the Covid period with all that too and you name it really , but yet somehow, here we still are. ldk but l've thought many a time though that in many ways it's a real testament to us both really.

But l'm also think just wth are we and wth am l doing ?

l wanted to have myself settled one way or other by last Christmas but yet here we still are , l am , and none the wiser really. Haven't seen ea other 5mths and ldk wth. Meet very very cute servo girl but don't want that either instead here's gf and l still wherever we are and now the caravan stuff, us stuff.

Bloody hell.

l mean that might now even happen maybe by the time l do leave l'll have had enough or something else has happened but still.

Or maybe it does happen maybe she comes and we sort ourselves out away from all her pressures at home and who knows .

Or maybe l;m an idiot.