Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

l know this whole threads just been repeat repeat on my part, and that's been goin on yrs now.

Would you believe she did it again though , ofc you would why not it's just more repeat, straight after my last post.

Was my last straw , it's been kaput ever since. Bloody crazy , l was still away but we'd been talking everyday for wks , again , she was all love and affection. Then one day l'm at some supermarket car park after going in , she calls , we talked an hr , like we'd done 100 times. we'd been so regular of late at the time all felt pretty well a give that we we finally back to us again and especially after the other stuff from her earlier ha, next morning l get the text.

l'm sorry baby l can't do this - againnnnnn!  l need to be alone. Same old - just too sick, her anxieties uncontrollable she can't cope, she's also under other pressures financially anddd other stuff butttt, once again that was it.

l can't believe l've even just written all that yet again for the how many'eth time ???

We won't count em. But you'd think l'd grow a brain wouldn't you  !!!

Anyway, few mths ago now there's been no call backs wk later as if nothing happened this time and l'd resigned day after that yet another text.

Honestly, this time l was in shock though and it hurt to. Others l've taken grain of salt but we'd never been like this again before. The way things had become again and the way and things we were talking, we'd really turned the corner, she had to it seemed hugely. Silly me, fell for it again.

Anyway, it's done, not going there again even if she does start calling again been a few mths. lt's been hard but l know now l need to except it , l have to , bc l will never be able to rely on one word or action comes out of her mouth again.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

I've been thinking of you late and wondering how you are.

I'm really sorry you had to ho through all that AGAIN. I understand that bit of hope, that this time it will work. But i believe need to cut it off.

Block the number, be on your own, heal and see what life brings you. Easier said than done but it's pretty clear it ain't gonna change. Bit like M & me - you can see how much better my life is now that he's out of it for good after the repeat story for years.

Are you still caravanning? How's your daughter going?

Good things will come rx but you need to clear the space to allow them.

Take care & big hugs

Cmf

[randomxx]

Hey cm , really nice to hear from you and likewise to.

Thx for the words they mean a lot and your right on the money to l think it has all been blocking me absolutely right through and it just needs to be done, once and for all, cleared away.

l have been closed with this just half in half out on off stuff yrs, it's just no damn good, it's never gonna change. It's finally through my head.

Anyway yeah my d's been doing good of late thx cm so all crossed there,  how are yours going? How's the new thing going and everything else to?

Take care to and big hugs, must find your thread.

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx

Yeah all good here. S is great company & a great friend.  We understand each other & just enjoying each other's company. 

I couldnt ask for more really.

[randomxx]

Ahh, sounds v v nice cm.

But you see , that's just all the weirdest damn thing about gf x. l mean we'd tell ea other stuff like that all the time and even moreso from her to me actually bc l just couldn't trust her enough in saying too much , it was like she'd panic and bail again. But that's how we were, since l'd left on my trip we were literally best friends , partners, but lovers to only from afar though bc of my trip and her situation at home- plus her head.

So l mean , can you feel like that , you have anxiety although on a much much lighter scale than gf x but never the less, feel like that tell him things like  that but then somehow through the night you end up in some sort of a fear, mental frenzy, wake up and just shut it down next morng ?

Still can't for the life of me get it with her- why would she deny herself , could you see anxiety getting so bd that you would do that ?

[randomxx]

To top it off cm, what if S was the only person you have in this whole country or even from back home too, that you have all that with, there's no one else.

Well, that's gf x- yetttt, this !!!

[CMF]

Hey rx 

No. I wouldn't do that.  My anxiety been playing up last few weeks & S has helped me thru. He's helped me think differently,  rationalise,  got me outta the house. The only reason I would shut it down would be cos I don't wanna drag him down but to be honest I find it very comforting that he is there for me.

Sometimes I have anxiety & I wanna be alone & not tell him about it but he is so different to M I k ow I can talk about it & he tries to understand. We can have a conversation about it & he talks me through it. M never understood.  He'd brush it off & I'd feel so alone as I'd be struggling & I could see he didn't care cos he had no understanding. To him it was a burden, just like his ex wife's depression was a burden. Anything that caused him to take a step away from his life & think about someone else was a burden for him. Unless of course it was someone that he needed to be liked by.