Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Another weird one from gf ex ex. First , that first photo appearing on her whatsapp, then , while l was actually looking at it this morning, at that very second, it changed  to another photo, of that exact time with us back then. Both of these weren't just photos, both v v as l said meaningful to us both back then.

How bizarre , but right while l'm looking at the 1st one and she wasn't even online.

We actually talked later on today and l forgot to ask about it though but at the same time didn't even know if l even wanted to bring them up anyway atm tbh.

Anywayyyy, l've decided 2 things last few days. l mean she hasn't even actually said anything us as yet butttt, l'm not going there. We were a long time ago and it was a very complicated thing then with her situation , it broke things up and so even if, it'd still be the same situation now and for any foreseeable future. We talked about everything in all that a few mths back and we couldn't manage it then but l certainly couldn't now even less so, just couldn't go there.

Soooo, the first thing is just that, l'm not going there again.

2ndly well , l'd already sort of made my mind up almost anyway on this one, well close but gf ex, not going there either. l don't wanna be involved atm with all her on ofs enoughs enough. You know, maybe when l get back and re'situated if we were in touch again then maybe she comes down and we sort something solid from there,  just sayin, but for now who knows. As is right now though l wanna leave it be.

[randomxx]

Took another step with the ex ex ex too. l didn't block her or anything but and it was a little hard , it was sad, but l deleted our chats. All that means is that l just don't see her profile or those pics anymore every time l just go onto the app for anything else. Whenever you even just open it , there's all the people you talk to right there showing in a list down the page and if they have a pic that's there showing too, plus the first line or two of whatever you both talking last.

The old outa site outa mind, really does work and it's really helping a lot with no more reminders in my face every 5mins whenever l use it for other stuff.

lf she text me again it'll start showing again but l don't really wanna be getting into anymore of it with her it's just best let it go for my peace of mind and this is really helping.

[CMF]

Hey rx I did the same with M. Deleted everything.  This is that thing I was telling you about how I bump into his friends & relos but not him - thank God:

once you and someone else have fulfilled the purpose of your connection and learned the lessons intended, the universe ensures you won't cross paths again, even if you live near each other or share mutual friends. It's a way of viewing relationships as having a defined role in one's life story, with the ending signifying a natural conclusion rather than a failure. 

[randomxx]

Hey cm . for me it's distance or different worlds yknow. like ones in Sydney 1's in SF so no hope anyway but l could bet if we were locally hu, l've got such bad timing with things like that l'd be bumping into her everywhere sooo , l suppose l'm lucky in that regard then. Not that l would even mind really well, in one sense anyway bc it's a different thing to you l guess but l suppose when lt came to moving on properly l wouldn't wanna be bumping into ex when either of us were with someone new. l use to scan as far as the eye could see for ex w in shopping centers and towns bc we were still using the same places and yep, bumped into her and the new man quite a few times, even in shop isles . unfortunately they both has v common cars and the colours too so it was hard to spot in advance sometimes with 100s of others.

[randomxx]

On gf ex fronts, the rascal called again today. l was shopping and missed one on mute later saw and right then she called back as l was looking at ph in car. l don't mind really but it does depend to but have been expecting it again and also words spoken.

s usual like always we had a great call yep l answered , god l'm hopeless, l know. but l was glad l did. she admitted she's messed up and misses me so much , can't talk to anyone the way we do, her anxiety's just running wild and stuff. lt was really nice to hear her acknowledge and appreciate what we do actually have and that her anxiety gets the better of her and many other v spicy goodies too not fit for bb but in a nutshell- she finds anyone else just the way l do- just so blah - after us. my d said once ha, you'd probably be bored outa your brain with an ordinary sane girl anyway dado and she's probably right certainly no one even close to our fun so far and something l do think about when l listen to them , that is for sure.

But alas, no hopes up l said to her baby you always know all that stuff and talk about it a lot but next day l get a long text telling me you can't be in a relationship she says l know my anxiety just goes crazy l said yeah, l know, l tell you that but l still gotta know your gonna be there thick and thin but l don't feel that. She says even though she talks a lot of shyt when it goes off she never stops thinking about me later even wants me to set up some location thing on my phone bc she worries so much.  bloody hell what am l to do with her eh.

l did get the big long text later but for once it wasn't the usual it was all about us and me and how much she misses me and more bb unmentionables.

Anywayyyy soooo, ldbloody know.

not jumping up and down though, there's still always the big long usual next morning message or the 3am job. l'll leave ph on mute tonight ha ha, see what l wake up to.

butttt, so not getting too exited or calling it anything right now and l'll think l'll still just leave it be for longer from here for awhile. l mean l'd be open for sure but think l'll try to just keep going on my merry old way for now though.

[randomxx]

although her english and comprehension has come so far, sometimes though you forget that she can still misunderstand some things.

she's still be fuming over something she thought l said - about her, mths ago, it deeply hurt her.

But still haven't found out what it was bc l cracked the shyts at her cracking the shyts bc l didn't know and deleted out messages. asked her to explain again but she wouldn't, this was awhile back.

 l know l certainly did not mean anything to hurt her so badly actually you can even say nice things sometimes the way we would but may well have no clue what you mean or even think it was something bad. You've gotta be careful just kidding round too mostly she's great like that but same again now and then she can't understand or thinks it was something bad.

[CMF]

Hey rx,

It's been the same pattern for so long and I know you're aware of it but it seems unfair on you cos it's stopping you moving on. 

It seems she can't be with you but won't let you go.

[randomxx]

yeah has l know.

Grain of salt right now's the plan, go about my business.

we did touch on all that though and she says bc it's been so long but there's no commitment and that sets her off- her brains telling her she has to have commitment and her anxiety is too or get out. l get that and l told her but that also l need stability too, need to know your there tomorrow and through thick and thin. I can't commit to on off like a switch.

l'm just gonna let that float around. Says she gets it knows she's been erratical  and a pain in my arse with her crap but she knows commitment would settle it down. Says l also need to allow more and understand her anxiety better, l hear cm, be gentler about it and not take it so seriously which have thought the same. Good news is though she's never reflected and acknowledged so much or talked so openly about that side of things and her faults, part in things, before, she's cert been having a lot of realizations, it is really big corner for her.

Anyway, l'll roll on with my stuff until further notice but l am open to seeing if she can get on top of things.

One things been crossing my mind a lot about any moving on, well it's in my face really actually when l meet other women- or just observe, has always been buttt, someone else , so far that is for sure, couldn't even come close. but same time ofc l don't like or fall for just anyone my tastes are 1 in a million so if l was to ever have that again then l guess that'd mean that that one would. ldbloody know. Big ask at this stage though and l'd be more than happy with us if she could just work on her stuff.

1 foot in one out, if there is somebody else out there she has the chance to come along meantime.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello rx,

I've been reading your posts and I can see how frustrating and confusing it is for you. It's definitely hard to decide about something especially when there's both really good and really bad moments. It's easy to go back and forward and keep getting excited and then disappointed and then excited again and disappointed again. It feels impossible to let go of the good moments and try to find someone else that we might not ever find.

It's really hard to decide whether the good is worth the bad especially when they're equal occurrence and then it becomes confusing. I found confusion bad so when something is confusing it's bad as it tangles us up and consuming too much head space. And then when we eventually do decide, it's really hard to accept our decision because of all what ifs.

I was in a similar experience with my ex husband and in the end it hit a level when I preferred just to be on my own and have fun. No confusion, no pain to deal with, just enjoying my life. Eventually I did find a great partner.
It's interesting how good things can happen when we're not looking for them.

I hope that you'll find a way out of it so you can enjoy your life to the full

[randomxx]

Thx for the thoughts ts.

Atm we're still as was on my front regardless of our calls last wk. l mean there were huge steps for her but as l say, grain of salt for now and yeah, l'm just going on with my own plans as was for now. l'm also meeting women anyway all the time as l'm traveling no one spesh as yet but if she happened to come along well, door may not be closed at this stage to that - who knows.

l hear what your saying about someone new though but truth is bc of her cultural ways combined with mine plus our personalities, it's a classic mix we'd never have again tho nonetheless.

We've been long distance though 18mths and that's where her anxiety goes off where as together she's usually very stable it was actually me holding back on her not vice versa earlier`, had my reasons but soooo, with all that wellll, who knows.

Still says she wants to come down when l'm back though, 6mths away yet but yknow, if there was no one else on the scene l'd be open and take it from there.

Not on hold though bc in a way l'd be fine with just waiting but as l say she so on off like this apart that who really knows by then anyway.

l've kinda adjusted tbh and who knows what could happen.

All the best

rx