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I have no where else to go.
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My mother was abusive. She hit me when I had a stuttering problem because she convinced herself that I did it on purpose. She would lock me in a dark room until I stopped crying, and now I can't help but flinch at a sudden raised hand, and I'm scared of the dark. She was a heavy alcoholic, and now she has moved on with another family, getting to live out the rest of her life in a stable home whilst I'm left picking up the pieces of myself that she left behind. She told me that I'd be raped if I wore Z, Y, and Z, and she destroyed my confidence to the point where it's still difficult to make friends.
My father is emotionally absent. He went as far to tell me that "It's normal" when I mentioned wanting therapy for my suicidal thoughts, denying me any outside help. He has told me to "stop sulking and acting sad around the house" because it brings everyone else down. Now, I suppress any negative emotions so no one else can see vulnerability.
So, I thought that my step mum was my second chance, a mother who may love me the way I want to be loved. But she has punched walls just because someone ate her food in the fridge, left dents in the fridge from her knuckles, smashed plates to the floor when they weren't cleaned properly. Her temper is something that I've never seen from anyone else, but it can be "justified" because--as she says it--she's never laid a hand on any of us, so she can't be that bad, right? She can be very nasty, and her double standards are insane... If we do something small like turning the dishwasher on when it is only half full, she will shout across the house for easily up to an hour about the waste of water, but God forbid if anyone points out any mistake she makes. I'm in a constant state of fawn or freeze, and it's absolutely exhausting.
When I realized that they can only agree with "hurt people hurt people" when they are the victim, I also realized that they'll never understand my feelings, no matter how much I plead for them to. I resent them, but I love them so, so much. The only reason why I'm still here is because of the excitement on my father's face when I agree to watch a movie with him, the fear in his eyes and his shaky hands when he did almost lose me, the thought of him growing old without a daughter.
A parent should never have to bury a child... but being a parent doesn't give you the right to make me feel like that's an option.
I want to feel like I'm not alone.
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Hi, welcome
You, are a darling. I'm 69yo man and my life's experiences include prison officer, Airforce, dog ranger and my own business. I have a lot of experience with abuse including my own mother and sister that displayed narcissistic actions that resulted in me being estranged from both- and boy am I a happy man now.
All of what you said above is abuse- emotional abuse, physical abuse and a toxic environment. The first opportunity you get I would advise to move out. You might feel like you are abandoning your father but you can visit and suggest a movie to watch together. Children have to flap their wings eventually and for you to do that gives you an opportunity to live life without that abuse. Your well being depends on it.
The adults in your life seem to not understand your mental state. This is not unusual. Mental health issues are not visible unlike a broken leg. So its best to not expect them to react to your suicidal thoughts and rely on your doctor and subsequent referrals. We are here due to "birds of a feather flock togather".
I have a few links below that you'll find useful
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226
So, in summary have a plan to spread your wings no matter how long that takes, do not tolerate abuse which means not copying it too (calmly talk and respond in a quiet voice your objections) and accept they wont change much at all.
Reply anytime
TonyWK
