Abusive parents and their effect on us, their children

[white knight]

 In my case I never saw the treatment of me by my mother as being abused. No doubt in my mind the reason is- she would ty to convince me that her treatment of me is for discipline reasons or its how all parents bring up their children.

It wasn’t until I became an adult, around 21yo that I realised this level of control will never end.

My tolerance lasted till I was 54yo and then the relationship, well I terminated it. The last 6 years have been wonderful, there was no other way.

So if a child feels so aggrieved by his/her parent that there is no other option but to disown there must be something serious that has been ongoing for a long time. The problem is, that the parent is often in denial, for “I’m the parent” attitude often prevails in their mind if they are a controller. Might is right! No it isn’t parent- RIGHT IS RIGHT.!

Lets go back a few generations. Say 1900. This period might be your great grandfathers time as a toddler. My granddad was one year old then. Many parents had traditional methods of parenting. Physical slapping or forcing children to do things was the norm. Dad was the law and mum was his servant unless mum possessed some incredible ways of manipulation in order to get things done her way. And her safety wasn’t secure either in many cases. Now 116 years isn’t that long ago in generation periods. Just 3-4 generations. I’m mentioning this because if that old fashioned method of life behind close door was adopted by the tyrants child and the grandchild…you could well be the next child to be abused. The handing down of methods of bringing up a child hadn’t changed regardless of its unacceptability in the modern world.

However, as adults of the modern world with these forms of control becoming unacceptable we know it is wrong and we rebel.

I can recall when my kids were babies. We were told not to breast feed, what to feed them, that we weren’t good parents, that we should be living in a home of more quality standard, that I should work more hours and “get a better job”. These expectations were unsustainable. My tolerance was finite.

When this happens it is abuse. It’s at least “stepping over the line”. For your own mental health and stability begin to set your boundaries. Be clear, direct, consistent, firm, fair and allow some time for it all to sink in. Then if all fails don’t feel guilty. You did your best with a parent that didn’t want limits to their control. You were a puppet seen no other way.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Good Morning Tony WK

What a great topic. I would like to echo your thoughts exactly and If I may quote something you said "The last 6 years have been wonderful, there was no other way."

Through decades of 'over' control from my dad, I also was left with no choice except to terminate my relationship with my dad. Many people will probably find that 'over the top' or re-active instead of pro-active.

It was one of the 'kindest' decisions I have ever made to improve my overall health. I still notice how wonderful I feel every minute of the day to have removed this toxic/negative relationship from my life.

Your daughter has a great dad Tony. What you did in one hour with having the new shoes delivered to school was magnificent and so very kind. We seem to have a great deal in common 🙂

Thankyou Tony

Paul

[Starwolf]

Thanks guys for these important posts. They will no doubt help those of us who have/had a toxic childhood. Toxins poison us, sometimes obviously, sometimes in a slower, insidious manner.

 I also come from a soul destructive past. I had to leave the family behind to survive it. Not everybody can do change. My parents were among those so there was no hope, no alternative. It took a while to forgive but I eventually realized they didn't have it in them to acknowledge their issues, never mind rising above them. They couldn't help themselves and so were compelled to act the way they did. Sad but none of my business. I wasn't responsible for their antics but had a duty to myself. Retreat is sometimes the wise, brave alternative to pointless defeat.

[white knight]

Hi Paul,

We do have a lot in common. In fact this thread was inspired by your experience with your father.

Countless times people, usually relatives think my reactions are unessessary but all relationships are unique and be damned if guilt will conquer me

Its odd, the inflicting parent is never challenged.Its like they have automatic immunity to treat their children with emotional and/or physical abuse, blackmail or manipulation.

We both Paul are lucky, for we made the move...some are  forced under the spell of a parent that "owns" them forever with fear or even lack of the parents approval. 

Some adult children will sadly never be good enough.

Tony wk

[white knight]

Top reply starwolf. Well said. Newcomer's here will get some clarity in their lives when they read these responses.

Tony wk

[blondguy]

Good Morning Tony

I have mentioned your thread to some non members I know that are still trying so hard to be a 'good daughter' or son at the expense of their own well being. An absolute crackerjack of a thread that I hope some people can voice their thoughts on to assist themselves and others by doing so.

Starwolf "Retreat is sometimes the wise, brave alternative to pointless defeat".........Bullseye...x

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi guys.  I too, as you know, come from an extremely toxic background.  Victim of sexual abuse, victim also, because even though mum knew, she turned a blind eye.  My dad was an alcoholic, non-violent, but extremely narcissistic.  He never knew I was being sexually abused, had he known, I have no idea how he would've reacted.  Everything in those days (early 50's/60/s) was 'accepted', though.  No-one interfered.  What happened behind closed doors, stayed behind closed doors.  Like Tony, I didn't realize I was being abused, because I thought all families were the same.  Counting this marriage (my 3rd), all 3 were not good.  My first MIL, I must admit was the sweetest person I've ever known.  My first hubby was the eldest of 8 children, and both his parents were very liberal (for those days).  They took me in and treated me as just another person, same rights as the others.  They respected me and they did teach me to value myself.  The marriage (however, failed) because we married for the wrong reasons.  Me to escape toxic home life, him because he was 'gay' and his parents, although very liberal, would never have accepted that.  His parents were not homophobic, they just wouldn't have understood.  Second marriage, no in-laws, just ex wife, Charles, Diana and Camilla type marriage.  This marriage, everyone here knows what went wrong.  I'm stronger, now have belief in myself.   We all need emotional support when things get to the point where we have to make decisions.  Having the support of BB, all the people on these forums have 'been there' for everyone else.  It's good feeling to know we're not islands, but part of a caring community.  We do have a 'family' in the forums, but it's a caring supportive family, non-judgemental. 

Ride on.  BB.

[blondguy]

Please excuse me Tony......:-)

Dear Pipsy..my heart aches to read what you have been through...(no advice here Pipsy...just respect)

My mum also turned a blind eye to the beatings we received. My dad taking his belt off in his early 30's and telling us to wait in the basement for a 'good thrashing', I was 5 years old! (He made us wait for the beating) Hmm I wonder where my anticipatory anxiety came from? She remembers but said she was 'busy'...Bless her heart (more info about my mum in the BB Cafe I just posted earlier this evening on her dementia...yes I agree..a dumb place to air my laundry..but there is no communal thread I can talk to kind people like yourself or Tony!

My sister who is circa 50 also has endured similar to yourself....Bad things. You are so right about the 60's. I was 5 and remember the police coming into our house after a neighbor called them about my dad's violence. I still remember it like it was yesterday...as well as my fathers handprints on my thighs and calves for days...and the handprints my dad left on my sisters legs. She was 4 at the time when we came to Oz in 1970. My mum has had since told me that she had to dress my 4 year old sister in a dress to hide the hand prints marks/bruising.

Like yourself Pipsy I am stronger now and thanks to the family we belong to on BB we can give something back to any people that are experiencing any problems..irrespective of age or degree of problem that they have 🙂

With all my Respect Pipsy and a (hug) if thats okay with you of course..

(Thankyou for the necessary and great Thread Tony)

Paul

[pipsy]

Hi Paul, and many thanks for your kind words and hugs.  I am also so sorry for what you endured.  I think, though that the suffering we endure either makes us better people or we become carbon copies of what we were taught (be it right or wrong).  They say if a child is taught to hate and be violent, he either 'goes with it' or finds violence abhorrent to him.  I hate violence of any description.  Your hug much appreciated.  My parents never hugged or told us we were loved or wanted.  When my dad died (in N.Z), my brother returned from Australia after several years absence.  Dad was only 56, alcohol and smoking killed him.  I was in N.Z till 1988.  My mother was literally all over my brother from the moment she saw him.  Hugging, kissing, made me feel ill.  That was the first of many hugs brother received, I was still 'out in the cold'.  I went through the 'hate, wanting them both dead' etc.  I think mum had always wanted to be more affectionate toward my brother, but was only able to once dad passed.  My biggest fear now is if someone does try to show me affection, I get a bit 'gun shy', suspicious.  My mum has since passed, (leaving everything to my brother, talk about being rewarded).  One day I might meet someone who doesn't have parents, lol.  Not sure if that's possible. 

Again - many thanks for your kindness.  Much appreciated.  Hugs and kisses to you too. 

If that's acceptable.

[blondguy]

Hey Pipsy

Your hug is so very kind and needed right now. Thankyou for your kind thoughts about the abuse too

I have had to 'learn' everything in reverse when it came to parenting. My daughter is 23 and going through a gothic rebellious stage and lives on her own and happy to do so. I am so happy to say that irrespective of my fathers (lack) of child rearing skills I have been fair, kind and set normal guidelines for her..and have never laid a hand on her where discipline was concerned:-) I did remove the odd playstation console when she crossed the line lol

We can learn in reverse Pipsy. My sincere condolences to you about your dad. My mum is 86 and smokes 2 cartons of Benson & Hedges a week and her lung function tests keep coming up 'all clear'.....which I just dont understand but am happy her LFT is clear. I am 56 and smoke and will always keep trying to kick the sticks.

I am sorry for the loss of your mum too Pipsy. I hope your brother 'tried a little kindness' and helped you out after he was bequeathed everything in the will.

I do hope you have a peaceful easter break Pipsy ((Hugs)) xx

Paul 🙂

TONY WK   Thankyou again for such a great topic...You Legend!