Abusive parents and their effect on us, their children

[white knight]

 In my case I never saw the treatment of me by my mother as being abused. No doubt in my mind the reason is- she would ty to convince me that her treatment of me is for discipline reasons or its how all parents bring up their children.

It wasn’t until I became an adult, around 21yo that I realised this level of control will never end.

My tolerance lasted till I was 54yo and then the relationship, well I terminated it. The last 6 years have been wonderful, there was no other way.

So if a child feels so aggrieved by his/her parent that there is no other option but to disown there must be something serious that has been ongoing for a long time. The problem is, that the parent is often in denial, for “I’m the parent” attitude often prevails in their mind if they are a controller. Might is right! No it isn’t parent- RIGHT IS RIGHT.!

Lets go back a few generations. Say 1900. This period might be your great grandfathers time as a toddler. My granddad was one year old then. Many parents had traditional methods of parenting. Physical slapping or forcing children to do things was the norm. Dad was the law and mum was his servant unless mum possessed some incredible ways of manipulation in order to get things done her way. And her safety wasn’t secure either in many cases. Now 116 years isn’t that long ago in generation periods. Just 3-4 generations. I’m mentioning this because if that old fashioned method of life behind close door was adopted by the tyrants child and the grandchild…you could well be the next child to be abused. The handing down of methods of bringing up a child hadn’t changed regardless of its unacceptability in the modern world.

However, as adults of the modern world with these forms of control becoming unacceptable we know it is wrong and we rebel.

I can recall when my kids were babies. We were told not to breast feed, what to feed them, that we weren’t good parents, that we should be living in a home of more quality standard, that I should work more hours and “get a better job”. These expectations were unsustainable. My tolerance was finite.

When this happens it is abuse. It’s at least “stepping over the line”. For your own mental health and stability begin to set your boundaries. Be clear, direct, consistent, firm, fair and allow some time for it all to sink in. Then if all fails don’t feel guilty. You did your best with a parent that didn’t want limits to their control. You were a puppet seen no other way.

Tony WK

[pipsy]

Hi there, thanks for replying.  I'm actually going to be collecting the pension soon, so I'm not too concerned financially.  With my newstart, because my hubby left his job before his actual retirement was due, we had to apply for newstart, which meant we both had to be doing volunteer work.  The volunteer work means 30 hours per fortnight, which is no problem.  We were told how much money we were allowed etc, so to qualify for newstart we had to basically spend money we otherwise could've held onto.  I'm separated, have been since last November, so I have to be pretty careful with my money.  Money, or lack of it, has never worried me because no matter what happens, as long as I can afford my rent, food, utilities etc, that's the main thing.  When my folks were alive, I never asked them for anything as they would never have let me forget they were helping me.  Narc parents have this way of making you feel guilty for just being alive.  Once you get into your tafe course, I hope you really enjoy it and I also hope it opens doors for you with your future.  Unlike you, I never had those opportunities, as I had two little kids to care for.  I don't regret my kids for a moment, but it would've been nice to be able to have some sort of degree/qualification to use later. 

All the best for you with whatever life holds for you.  Just remember, when your parents say cruel, hurtful things, they may be jealous because you have the chances they didn't.  Narcs usually behave in a nasty way if they believe life's kicked them.  They seldom admit to being at fault for the way their life has turned out.  It's always everybody else to blame.   

[Elizabeth CP]

Sorry I am late but I want to wish Tony a very happy birthday for yesterday. You are a day younger than my sister. Unfortunately she lives in the US so I can't visit. I am very humbled at the stories told on this thread. I have been lucky to have had good parents which makes life much easier. I see my sons treating their wives & children with the same love & respect they saw in our home & I received as a child. Hopefully that legacy will continue through the generations. I admire the courage that each of you on this thread have had to reject your negative past & do everything within your power to be good parents & good partners as far as you are able. I don't have the words to express how much I appreciate the effort each of you have made to become the wonderful caring people you are.

[Starwolf]

Sorry an earlier post I wrote on Easter day only popped up so much later.

Tony, good to know you had an enjoyable birthday. For those of us who had a chaotic start in life, birthday celebrations are all the more significant... a reminder of the triumph of survival over adversity.

I quite agree with you re the impact of a childhood spent in fear. I was so used to danger that I became numb to it. Not that I was unaware of the risks I kept taking, they were just a "normal" part of Life. Several people pointed out there's a fine line between fearlessness and stupidity but only being sole carer for my daughter made me reconsider their point of view. For her sake. Perhaps one can become addicted to a high level of intensity which makes safety boring ? Or perhaps extreme living is taken for granted...But there again, there's lots of people out there who enjoy death defying hobbies and careers in spite of a safe childhood.

I have no doubt others may react differently and some may go the opposite way and crave a sense of security (what do you think, Paul ?). In my opinion, considering the options, their impact on others and choosing whatever makes us happy is the way to go.

Happy trails to all of you.

[chociloni]

Hi Pipsy...I am on newstart, but I hate the stress of dealing with c'link and the job search agencies. I've enrolled in my tafe course and I have been told by my job search agency that I will be exempt from most job search activities now and can do my course and still receive newstart. I was told I can apply for austudy as well but I may not be accepted as I have previous qualifications. Now I'm stressing about that too, should i apply or not...i hate the stigma of the 'dole', altho the dole pays more than austudy, but austudy you get treated with respect. I'm so anxious at the moment I worry about everything. 

[blondguy]

Good Morning Pipsy

Thankyou for getting back to me about my dad. He doesnt have dementia...he lost a fortune in the GFC in 2009...This only intensified his anti antisemitism. Is 80 and writing books manuals for various federal govt departments. His mental health is fine. I have found some peace by not being in his presence. He also criticized Barbra Streisand Dustin Hoffman in 'Meet The Fockers'...he called it "unsolicited jewish propaganda" I pity him

I hope you are traveling okay Pipsy ((Hugs))

Paul xx

[blondguy]

Hi Starwolf

I agree with Barack Obama and his advice to his daughters...."be kind to people and to have a purpose" I admire your philosophy(s) in life and how you approach it....your last sentence Star.

Bob Hope was interviewed in his early 90's and was asked what plans he had in life....He said 'the pursuit of happiness as usual' and smiled. He laughed his way through life...What a legend

Have a great day everyone 🙂

Paul

[blondguy]

Hi Tony

Thankyou for the "Recovery scales"...what a simple yet very effective coping technique....I have copied every word and will be using it in my 'coping folder'

Your poem 'Weighing Scale'...a beautiful inspiration....(17/1/2007) you wrote to your friend...You do have a gift

[pipsy]

Hi Choc.  Is it alright if I refer to you as that?  I understand where you're coming from dealing with c'link, employment agencies etc.  With Austudy would you have to report fortnightly to inform them 'nothing's changed' with your financial circumstances.  With newstart, I have to.  I also have been led to believe that the 'dole' as such no longer exists, not sure about it though.  I feel newstart would be better for you, with you doing a tafe course, this should satisfy c'link, you are involved with something beneficial to your future.  Make enquires re: the difference between dole and Austudy financially.  If you have problems understanding their explanations (most people do), take someone with you who can explain it so you are fully aware.  I'm not trying to undermine you as far as understanding c'link.  I understand how they seem to forget the general public doesn't always understand them.  Quite often they seem to talk their own language, leaving us mystified as to what they actually mean.  Then they get b**** when we ask them to speak English, please.  If the dole or Austudy does mean more money, ask if it's possible to transfer.  Be aware it will probably mean more paperwork ( a pain in the proverbial).  In some ways, if possible, it might be better for you to remain on newstart.         

[pipsy]

Hi there, Paul.  I'm sorry I had to laugh over your dad's reaction to the movie, 'Meet The Focker's'.  I never saw the movie, saw the shorts, but not really a Barbra Streisand fan.  I did enjoy 'Funny Girl' and 'The Way We Were', but overall, she doesn't do that much for me.  The agency I volunteer for has an elderly couple who are constantly fighting council's, govt and anyone else over anything and everything.  They live on acreage near a quarry that (they reckon) threatens their health.  They're in your dad's age group and spend all their waking hours writing complaining letters to our Mayor, also, as I said, the council, newspapers, t.v.  One of our drivers used to pick them up 2 or 3 times a week and she initially asked why they refused to sell, they were offered a good price, but rejected it.  We have now learnt to ignore their rubbish.  The driver now (tongue in cheek) basically says, ride on.  If it makes them happy to complain 24/7, so be it.  I don't think they have much contact with their families, obviously, like you, they back away.  When you're not emotionally involved, it makes it easier to be able to 'walk away'.  When they're parents, or family generally, it's harder. 

I'm doing well.  My daughter is a bit sick at the moment.  She's approaching that 'age' and is not coping very well.  I keep telling her how proud her dad would be of her and her brother.  Lately she's been looking at photos of her dad.  She looks like his younger sister, her brother is their dad's image.  They both have his nature and intelligence.  He was a very smart, clever person.  He was actually born ahead of his time.  He would've loved today's technology, computer's. iphones, laptops.  Thank heavens neither of them are like me, looks wise, they are both very loving and forgiving.    

[white knight]

Hi all,

There is stigma accepting Newstart or any Centrelink payments.

Remember, one day you might get a job and then you'll be paying taxes. That is when you'll be repaying the country for looking after you previously with payments.

I retired 3 years ago at 57yo due to mental health issues. But I'd worked 12 hour shifts in security, 3 years in the RAAF, many different shift work jobs etc, guilt for being cared for by the Govt comes and goes in my mind but when I think of my previous contributions, I feel better.

If you qualify for any benefits then apply for them.

Tony WK