PTSD

[amamas]

Hey guys

I haven't been able to post on here for ages.  I've been running from myself so fast I couldn't handle this site at all.

So the short version I've been dead (my psych calls it numb) since 1999.  I experienced some serious hell while dead but my attitude was pretty much - well I'm already dead anyway (just waiting for my body to catch up).

Then after a year of therapy, in October this year, like a miracle I woke up.  I had a marvellous - very manic time, for a while.

Then I started feeling.  Not pretty!!  Overwhelmed to the max!  It's literally like everything that happened to me over all these years suddenly started hitting me or more aptly slamming into me.

I ran and ran.  

Mainly by keeping myself very busy, especially trying to study.

My PTSD has just slammed into me and given me a huge jolt.  My brain literally doesn't work properly anymore.  I've joked on here and with people in my life about my PTSD brain but I'd never actually accepted the reality of what that actually means.

Right now I literally have blanks, I retain very little of what I read and remembering peoples names is now rare.

Part of why I'm posting this is to try and accept this truth - Right now I probably can't study.

As much as that upsets me what I find even harder to face is that the main reason for me having PTSD is long term constant trauma caused by one person -  by not being able to study I can't help but feel as though she's still hurting me

[geoff]

dear Amamas, nice to have you back.

PTSD is something that my new psychologist believes that I still suffer from, and this is from the assault causing a blood clot on /in the brain.

His theory is that it means that I have doubt or I don't trust anyone, I'm not sure about this, but I will let him weave his way into my brain and see what he can find, because I like his approach to me, and he's easy to talk to.

If you ran away and wait for your body to catch up, it's the same as extending a rubber band and then letting go of it, and then what happens is that it comes back so quickly and jolts you, let alone hurting you.

There are a couple of people posting and replying now that have PTSD but haven't actually recognised that they have it.

It can start after a traumatic event, and anything similar or may bring back memories brings on PTSD, so then this means that you are highly stressed and unable to cope.

This happens with me when I see the type of people who assaulted me, so my heart rate increases and all I want to do is to get as far away as possible from them. L Geoff. x

[amamas]

Hey Geoff

It's good to be back!

It definitely is time for me to accept my PTSD!  You've got it, I met someone at Grow yesterday who has it and I've signed on with Mindspot for their PTSD course.

I'm really glad you dig your new therapist!  It's so hard finding someone to open up to with these enormous trust issues aye!!  

I like your rubber band analogy!  It helps me see why I've been running so hard.  I've been 'dead' for thirteen years, a lot of which I was the victim of severe trauma so it's a hell of a PING!!

Really feel for you and can totally relate to your trigger reactions!  Has your therapist taught you skills to stop or reduce that yet?  I haven't got to all that stuff in therapy yet as my therapist has been focusing on getting me out of numb.  I'd be interested to hear what you try.  So far I'm the same as you avoid avoid avoid.

Back to Grow as I seem to recall we discussed it ages ago.  I finally went this week.  I really enjoyed it.  I'll keep posting about future meetings.

Big hugs Geoff

Cheers

[geoff]

dear Amamas, I have only seen him 3 or 4 times and the first meeting was like a cartoon where bug bunny is stealing carrots, but he introduces Big John to one of the sheriffs men, and they shake hands with the right hand and then left hand and this goes on for awhile, so really this was like my first meeting. lol

Thanks for revising my memory about the severe trauma you had, because with my memory it's hopeless.

I don't see him for a couple of weeks, so I'm rehearsing the shake, but will let you know. L Geoff. x

[amamas]

Hey Geoff

You made me laugh!!  Good luck with the handshake practise!!  How do you do that exactly?  I've been visualising you in front of a mirror or trying to convince your sweet doggie companion that handshaking is the new schmakos.

My memory is really bad too.  How do you cope with that?  I'm trying so hard to learn to be gentle with myself but so often I get frustrated and angry with my poor struggling brain.

It's a massive learning curve isn't it!  I remember my beautiful Nana used to start all her stories with "Let me know if I've told you this before" After the hundredth time of hearing that (she lived with us) I used to feel so annoyed by it.  Now I'm filled with so much understanding!!  I even find myself using her line repeatedly.

Take care

Big hugs, amamas

[Latrix]

Hi, I'm new to this forum I really recommend the Mindspot online course. It's CBT based you speak to a councillor once a week check on your grasp and progress. I found I could speak freely more so then any or the numerous face to. Face therapy and or councillor IV had in the past 6yrs. Good Luck But it like all things PTSD is a work in progress I feel, when life's moving forward things improving a then a bad situation a traumatic event can get you back into the PTSD mode of thinking then you got to try get yourself back out of the groove of thinking. Thought challenging all over again Mindspot give you the tools to help.:)