Fighting the feeling of being helpless

[Guest_2350]

Hello,

I was wondering if someone has experience with this feeling or could share with me what they did.

I have a history of childhood abuse and trauma and started treatment for all sorts of things a while ago, but only recently shared this part of my life that I buried deep inside.

Most of my life I worked hard to get out of the victim role and I achieved a lot and built a family. Life has been crumbling for a while now and it is a regular fight with myself to do the things that are good for me (in the long run) - like going to the psych. 

I had a few very difficult weeks lately and a couple of days ago I realised that one of the things that makes me so angry is that I feel helpless again. I don't know why this is happening to me and why I feel the way I feel and I don't think people understand and really want to explain to me what's going on - or they don't know. I am desperate to find my strength again and be independent and confident in my decisions, I never wanted to feel like a victim again and I feel like that now, helpless and not knowing when it's going to end. I get angry that I'm dependent on mess to make me feel better - and that means I have to go to see someone for a script.  My problem is that I start pushing people away when I feel that in my eyes they don't want to understand me or help me.  I just feel like walking out the door and starting to run again. 

Thank you, Yggy x

[Kazzl]

Hi yggy mate. So sorry to hear how you're feeling. I know it well, that sense of not being able to control anything and wanting to run or disappear. I think maybe that's why I disappeared into the bottle for many years.

The thing is, you know the difference, you know how it feels to be in control and not give in to being the victim. That experience and the strength you gained won't leave you. It's not gone, it's just out of reach at the moment. You will find it again.

Something that helps me when I feel overwhelmed by things, especially stuff I couldn't control in the past, is to choose one thing I can control now and focus on it. For me that can be things like what I eat, how my house is (believe it or not I find housework therapeutic sometimes because I do it and am pleased with the results), who I choose to give my time to, that sort of thing. Even deciding not to do something can give me a sense of control, because it's my decision. Not sure if I'm explaining this well, but taking control of one small thing, focusing on it and allowing myself to feel like I have made some kind of impact reduces the sense of helplessness. Then maybe you can build on that to bigger things.

I hope this helps hun, not sure it will. But know that I care and understand. And I believe that you are not hostage to it, your sense of control over feeling like a victim will return.

Hugs to you

Kaz

[Guest_5218]

Hi Yggy,

I dont think I can offer very much advice because what you have described is very much how I feel myself.  But I can offer you my understanding and moral support, and a comforting hug, if that would help?

Much like you I suffered a trauma long ago which I kept bottled up and secret for many years.  Always trying to force it from my mind and trying to deny to myself that it ever happened.  It was the best way I had of coping at the tme I guess.  After finally realising that I needed help with it last year I underwent psychological treatment which forced me to acknowledge what had happened all those years ago. This leads to the need to accept it into my new psyche.  A need to try and embrace the new me, the damaged me.  This inevitably leads to a major shift in the acceptance and knowledge of 'self'.  

You are obviously a very strong and independent woman, so of course it is really difficult to feel the way you are right now, so helpless.  Especially as you have accomplished so much with home, work and family life despite all the difficulties you have obviously overcome.  And to not lapse into the victim role.  You've done great!  

I was warned before starting my therapy last year that many people just give up because therapy gets too hard when you are forced to relive repressed traumatic events and memories.  The long denied feelings of fear and helplessness suffered during the trauma all come to the surface again as the distressing memories resurface.

But I would urge you to continue.  Its like a boil that has to fester before it can burst and then release all that poison inside, which then allows recovery.  Be confident that you will get better.

Try to be patient with your loved ones around you.  It is not their fault that they cant understand what you are going through. They probably want to, but you know they never really will because they have not been through what you have.

Dont walk out the door, dont run.  You will regain control of your life.  I know its really hard, but hang in there.

Thinking of you Yggy.

Sherie xx

[Starwolf]

Hello Yggy,

Regaining control step by step is very good strategy suggested by Kazzl.

Like you I have a history of childhood abuse so I am familiar with the sense of helplessness that goes with it.

You mention that you have only recently opened up about it all...which is a great decision. So well done ! However, it often makes past feelings bubble back up again. It is a normal -although uncomfortable- part of the process...a phase that usually passes. I understand how overwhelming it feels but it's only a wave, not the ocean.

Meanwhile, you may find useful to reconnect with your distressed inner child who is in need of a comforting hug. This part of yourself needs to be held and told that all will be well now. There is nothing wrong with having a conversation with a facet of your inner self when it needs healing and nurturing.

There is nothing wrong either with keeping at bay those who do not understand you. You can be in control of who you choose to mingle with. At this point in time, you need support and understanding. Allowing yourself to remove negative influences from your life is OK. They need to run out the door...not you. If negativity comes from close family, perhaps they need counseling to gain better understanding of what you're going through. Could this be an option ?

Opening up was a major step, although it may not feel like it right now. It takes courage and will all be worth it in the long run. Venting your feelings via these posts often helps clean the decks. I hope to read more from you. This is a safe place where you are in  full control !

A cyber hug to you and a special one to your wounded inner child.

[Guest_2350]

Thank you all for your posts. I have read them several times and they all bring tears to my eyes. Tears because I am sorry that you all had to go through your own trauma and tears because I actually feel like you understood.

Accepting help and letting other people in is probably one of the hardest things for me to do. I don't want to be hurt and I feel so vulnerable when opening up and when all these feelings take over that I cannot control. I constantly feel like I am fighting. 

It is comforting to know that this too shall pass. But when you came out the other side, how had you changed? I am still worried I might be a different person? Does that make sense?

Thank you and big hugs to all, Yggy x

[Starwolf]

Thank you for your kind words and hugs.

Making it through tough times gives hindsight, a sense of victory, better knowledge of what our private hell is made of and how we came through it all. Leaving behind what caused harm and distress brings relief. It is nothing to be afraid of. Lifestyle improvement is what all of us wish for.

We change every day, every new experience has an impact on who and what we are. We all make choices, good or bad, which affect the course of our life. Sometimes change is subtle, sometimes more dramatic. Being in a  negative head space calls for change. None of us want to stay there. It is true that sometimes life imposes change on us. We have no say in this but we can choose how to respond.

Your therapist could help you find out what is at the root of your present state of mind, what exactly is sapping your strength and independence. Finding the trigger would give you a handle on how to reclaim control. The mind can be a complicated labyrinth where we easily get lost, bumping against one dead end after another. At times, we need professional help to assist with the mechanics and logistics of it all.

Sherie is right, we are haunted by ghosts of our past. They need to be confronted and evicted before peace of mind can return. Then we will understand that our personal ghosts are only shadows, dead, gone forever. As such, they cannot touch us. The only power they have is the life we give them by letting them intrude in ours.

Peace of mind is our birthright, a welcome change from constant worry and stress. It is my wish for you.

[Mares73]

Dear Yggy you have had some great advice & ideas from others. As Kaz suggested sometimes we get through each day by focussing what IS in our control rather than what isn't. I'm sorry you feel like a victim because your not-in fact your far more a self aware, honest & courageous person. It's the dreaded depression telling you stories such as being a victim & needing to get more in control of your life. You are so honest & aware about yourself & you keep fighting the symptoms of this illness. I think your probably your own worst critic. Please take time each day to reflect on what progress you have made. For some people getting out of bed is an achievement & it's a slow process. Others have high self expectations & judge themselves harshly. There is a balance somewhere in between. While your feeling this low try counting all the things you do achieve each day & build from that. 

Please let us know how you are going. Take care, Mares X 

[Guest_2350]

Dear Mares,

thank you for your message. I have started to write down everything I do and achieve every day and to try and celebrate my little achievements. I have also noticed that sleeping in the afternoon actually helps me and I think I need to accept that this is what I need at the moment without any prejudice of how productive or not I am. I am starting to believe that I have been hyperactive all my life, running from the memories and keeping myself distracted. I guess I somehow have run out of steam. This weekend I feel like I should just accept what comes. If it means my life changes from what it is now, perhaps that is the solution.

Mares, I hope you are ok and you take care too, Yggy x

[Mares73]

Dear Yggy I can only congratulate you on coming up with a brilliant plan for yourself. I agree strongly with having a nap each day.  It's so exhausting dealing with trauma/depression/anxiety. You need rest to build strength & resilience & you have fantastic self awareness & insight into what your experiencing. Writing down everything you achieve each day is a fantastic strategy. You should be proud-you've worked out what you need & your making changes in your life to fast track your recovery.  I have complete admiration for you. To find the motivation to make changes in your life to help you is a sign of your incredible strength & perseverance. 

You are an inspiration & I wish you well as you continue your positive changes. Please keep us updated if you wish too as I'm sure many of us are inspired by you & would like to continue hearing about your journey.

Thankyou so much for sharing your progress.

Mares x

[Starwolf]

Hi there Yggy,

Well done for your willingness to embrace change. Life is a dynamic process. Flowing along with it helps free us from the fetters of the past.

I also agree with Mares, as refusing my status as victim did a lot to improve my lifestyle. Healing sometimes takes a fair bit of defiance towards the past, a refusal to let it win. And yes, writing has therapeutic effects. Issues are cast out on the paper in front of you, instead of tormenting you from the inside. You are doing well.

I hope you're OK and wish you peace of mind.