Abusive parents and their effect on us, their children

white knight · ‎20-03-2016

In my case I never saw the treatment of me by my mother as being abused. No doubt in my mind the reason is- she would ty to convince me that her treatment of me is for discipline reasons or its how all parents bring up their children.

It wasn’t until I became an adult, around 21yo that I realised this level of control will never end.

My tolerance lasted till I was 54yo and then the relationship, well I terminated it. The last 6 years have been wonderful, there was no other way.

So if a child feels so aggrieved by his/her parent that there is no other option but to disown there must be something serious that has been ongoing for a long time. The problem is, that the parent is often in denial, for “I’m the parent” attitude often prevails in their mind if they are a controller. Might is right! No it isn’t parent- RIGHT IS RIGHT.!

Lets go back a few generations. Say 1900. This period might be your great grandfathers time as a toddler. My granddad was one year old then. Many parents had traditional methods of parenting. Physical slapping or forcing children to do things was the norm. Dad was the law and mum was his servant unless mum possessed some incredible ways of manipulation in order to get things done her way. And her safety wasn’t secure either in many cases. Now 116 years isn’t that long ago in generation periods. Just 3-4 generations. I’m mentioning this because if that old fashioned method of life behind close door was adopted by the tyrants child and the grandchild…you could well be the next child to be abused. The handing down of methods of bringing up a child hadn’t changed regardless of its unacceptability in the modern world.

However, as adults of the modern world with these forms of control becoming unacceptable we know it is wrong and we rebel.

I can recall when my kids were babies. We were told not to breast feed, what to feed them, that we weren’t good parents, that we should be living in a home of more quality standard, that I should work more hours and “get a better job”. These expectations were unsustainable. My tolerance was finite.

When this happens it is abuse. It’s at least “stepping over the line”. For your own mental health and stability begin to set your boundaries. Be clear, direct, consistent, firm, fair and allow some time for it all to sink in. Then if all fails don’t feel guilty. You did your best with a parent that didn’t want limits to their control. You were a puppet seen no other way.

Tony WK

pipsy · ‎25-03-2016

Hey Paul. Thank you for the reply. In answer to your query re: brother leaving me anything, no, nothing. He was asked to reimburse me the trip back to N.Z which he grudgingly did. He was in jail at the time of mum's death. Mum's solicitor wrote a letter to him requesting advice re: part of her estate to be bequeathed to me. I accidentally received the solicitors letter, plus brothers reply. He said emphatically, NO, nothing was to be given to me. At the time, I 'spat', luckily though, I was having sessions with a psych because of all I'd been through. The psych helped me accept and be grateful because if I had received anything, my brother would've 'drunk' his share, then pushed me for my share.

I too have grown children and they tell me I was a good mum. My daughter went through (what I refer to as a yuk stage as a child), her dad (my 1st hubby) committed suicide when she was 6, I had to tell her, her daddy was very sick. When she was 12 I had to try to explain about her dad. My son, 4 years younger wasn't affected because he never knew his dad. They're basically good kids, married, daughter has 3 kids (1 g'child), son has 2 kids. I don't see them much, they're busy, but we keep in touch. Daughter's not keen on my ex, son neutral.

Have a safe and happy Easter. Thanks for the condolences re: my parents. I miss what I never had with them. They say you don't miss what you never had, but when you see other happy families, you do. I do have a fab relationship with SIL and DIL, both fabulous people. Enjoy g'child, she's gorgeous.

white knight · ‎25-03-2016

Thankyou Paul and Pipsy, nice words are never wasted.

Recovery from a narc parent isn't easy. I have a friend that had a narc father and like you Paul his belting came far too hard and too often. (But to be in anticipation like yours Paul, that's terrible abuse).

I realised early on that he couldn't move forward easily from the memories and the anger. So I told him to imagine this abuse was a wide river with many stepping stones. Each stone is a problem. Once you step onto the next stone the previous one sinks below the surface. Each step onto a stone represents you pondering on the problem, full focus, no distractions about other problems, they will come later.

As we discussed his progress over time he told me that he was stuck on the fact that his dad could do such a thing and didn't believe he loved his son at all. But "whats wrong with that, I asked". Funny it is, for those 4 words snapped something in his mind....suddenly he realised that his father didn't love him as a father should and that's a fact and there was an expectation (understandably) that his father should have loved him.

Those 4 words were not due to any psychological training or knowledge of mine. It is fact that some people move forward incredibly quickly when they are told something that is logical that they themselves hadn't thought of.

Of course the greatest reaction one can have to a history, a childhood of abuse is to raise ones children without it and preach to others the seriousness of it. And support those suffering it.

We cant erase the event. We can fool ourselves however to believe that we are "lucky" that it wasn't worse, that we survived it all. Pat ourselves on the back- why not!! We beat you!!

I have lost many family members as my mother at a ripe age of 83 spreads my evil doings. But I have since adopted several loving caring friends into my world. A few are mother figures. I am not short of love.

One couple I met 10 years ago. They had lost two adult children to a terrible crime. I met the victims mother at their gravesite 10 days after the event. I asked if I could write to her. She agreed. I have sent her about 60 poems over that 10 years. Walk into her dining room and her walls are filled with my framed poems. She became a friend for life.

It comes down to love. Love is the healer, to give it without reward, for the reward - love, will come around anyway..and that my friends is how I made it to the other side of the river...

Tony WK

blondguy · ‎25-03-2016

Pipsy

I just read about you daughter and I absolutely no idea/comprehension of what you went through. I am not religious but bless your kind heart for doing everything you possibly could. Your kids have a great mum! I just want to quote something you mentioned if thats okay " When she was 12 I had to try to explain about her dad "

I dont know how you dealt with the tsunami of pain you went through over such a protracted period of time. (And of course...absolutely no advice from me here...none...you dont need any..)

Your post has nearly made me cry...bless your kind heart Pipsy...It doesnt mean much at all but I hope you can accept my respect and admiration for everything you stand for...including being one wonderful and special mum xx

Paul

pipsy · ‎25-03-2016

Hi Paul and bless you for your understanding. My daughter kept asking why her daddy wasn't there from the time of her 6th birthday. All I could tell her till she was 12 was that her daddy's sickness had killed him. When she turned 12, she asked specifically what 'sickness' had killed him. I just told her that sometimes when people are really sick, God takes them 'home' so that they suffer no more. I did eventually explain his suicide to her, I think she was nearly 13, she, by that time, had started 'acting up'. She started 'acting up' when she was 7, so I had a Hell of a time with her for years. I think what got me through, was my determination not to be the kind of cold mum, my mum was. Paul, I love my kids so much, I would have done anything to protect them from the s*** I suffered. When my daughter got into her teens, she started settling down. She is now in her late 40's and is the most loving, protective woman it is my privilege to know. It has made all the s*** I went through worth it to see what a beautiful person she is. Her brother never gave me any grief, as I said, he was too young to know what was going on. They are both very loving and protective of me. I had her at 17, which is very young to have a child. My mum turfed me out when she knew I was pregnant. My 1st hubby's parents took me in and through his mum, I learnt how to be a loving mum. I left their place when my daughter was 6 months old. My daughter often tells me, she remembers the nightmares she had, when I would curl up in bed with her and just hold her and talk to her. She was only very young, but it broke my heart when she said how she remembers that. The nightmares started after I told her, her daddy was dead. For a long time the poor kid blamed herself because she thought if she'd been better, daddy wouldn't have died. She finally screamed that at me one day. We worked through that once she realised it was no-ones fault.

Paul, I'm okay, I have my days, but few and far between. Thank you so much for allowing me to share.

blondguy · ‎26-03-2016

Pipsy....my jaw is still on the floor with the narrow and potholed road you have traveled..and your daughter...bless her heart! Her nightmares she had..and remembering them as well. It breaks my heart Pipsy. You have also learned 'in reverse' not to be the cold person your mum was...My dad is 81 and refuses to have 'Meals on Wheels' service...as he thinks the food 'would be poor in quality' I am glad I have cut ties...There is only so much negativity a person can take....Since the Global Financial Crises a few years ago...2009? I Think....He now blames the jews for him losing a huge chunk from his super.....It just never ends....

Just before I cut ties with him...We were watching a National Geographic Documentary on Auschwitz...a recent one....He actually said and I quote ' I think that the Hitler got it right with the Jews'....I was sitting right next to him approx 5 years ago and was in disbelief with what he said to me...I will never forget what he said....

Im sorry Pipsy....Thankyou for letting me speak/share my thoughts...I am so disappointed and also pity him.

If Tony didnt post this thread/topic we wouldnt be having this conversation....Thanks again Mr T..I hope you are having a peaceful Easter...

Ciao

chociloni · ‎26-03-2016

Great post White Knight! I agree with everything you've said.

I have narcissistic parents too, I have come a long way, but I still get angry at myself at times for accepting their support. I have very bombarding / controlling parents, and it's often hard for me to realise boundaries with people. I want to stand alone but I've been struggling with unemployment and have been accepting their financial support which also comes with a major guilt trip. I am also originally from Perth, and I live now all the way over in Melbourne so I'm that far away from them!

I'm not calling the posters on here old but it sounds like you guys are very experienced and this stuff takes time and its a learning experience / journey. I am 38 and have learnt a lot, and through my struggles have realised what real self confidence and a real sense of self actually feels like.

Starwolf · ‎27-03-2016

Thanks for another great post, Tony.

Yes, I agree with you that realizing our parents couldn't love us helps move on from the abuse we received at their hands. Throughout my childhood, my mother kept repeating that I was a cuff, ball and chain around her ankle. But understanding the full meaning of this only came much later. When she had her children, contraception was not an alternative. At the time, having/ raising children was the accepted and expected norm. Straying away from it would have meant public scorn and being ostracized. I understood that having unwanted children imposed on her by society's demands must have felt like an unfair jail sentence. Besides, there were other unresolved issues in her life before then. My elder sister was raised by a grandmother, then she was reclaimed by my parents for appearance sake only to be locked up in a remote boarding school until she turned 18. I envied her but boarding fees for 2 kids were unaffordable so I stayed on to become my mother's punching ball.

Although I cut all family ties, I feel compassion for both parents, knowing circumstances turned my mother into a dangerous, psychotic mess (subconsciously, she wanted me dead) while my father felt helpless and did absolutely nothing but take me to work with him whenever he could. Fear of scandal played in my favor. He ended up committing suicide a few months after retiring...to escape 24/7 life with someone impossible to live with. I guess he may have felt responsibility towards her and couldn't leave. Maybe...

It helped realize that I wasn't at fault (as I was repeatedly told) and that I was more a victim of circumstances than of 2 particular people who couldn't cope with them. I was a resented imposition into their life.They couldn't love me.

And yes, although it was a very close call a few times, I'm still alive and "reasonably" functional. So...well done to all of us survivors !

pipsy · ‎27-03-2016

Hey Paul, nice to hear back from you. I used to work in the kitchen for meal on wheels. Each week I worked they were good, wholesome meals. MOW, cater also for diets, special needs etc. We had corned meat, with veggies, white sauce etc. We had mince with pasta, veggies. There is soup, desert. The clients either had them for lunch, or re-heat for dinner. The only real down side now is the cost, they are expensive. Also with your dad, he could be fighting to retain what independence he has left. At 81, it's quite a step to have to 'give in' and accept help he otherwise might not need. I'm sorry to say this, but I chuckled at the comment he made re: the Jews and their being to blame for his super. While I was involved with the agency I was with, where we helped the elderly with shopping and home help support. Some of them are in the early stages of Dementia and some of their comments would've made me angry had it not being for accepting that a lot of them were war vets and have seen so much suffering and loss of privileges, it crippled their minds and made them extremely bitter. A lot of them still see in their minds a time when life was simple. My dad had a crap life and that's what made him the narc he became. His dad before him was a piece of work, so history repeats it self frequently. Unfortunately, the damage done to our parents, g'parents is quite often never resolved and the next generation suffers because. By the time the next generation realises the problem it's too late, because the next generation becomes just as angry as the previous. It's quite a vicious cycle. Try not to get too impatient with your dad, remember he believes what he believes.

pipsy · ‎27-03-2016

Hi choiloni. I suppose you had to put up with the same as I did with your parents. My dad frequently told me I'd never amount to anything. If I tried to sing (tried) being the operative word, I was immediately told, I couldn't sing, was flat (out of tune, etc). My mum was a total control freak, it was her way or no way. The destruction caused by these toxic people plus my disastrous attempts at marriage (all 3 failed) really had me believing everything I had been told. Having no choice, but to accept their financial help doesn't make for a happy life either for you. I have no real words of wisdom except could you enroll in a tafe course doing something you really enjoy. Perhaps you would be entitled to c'link assistance while you are studying. I know it's not much, but it would go a long way to making you feel more positive about trying to build a life. Is Austudy still on offer, I know there is Newstart, that's what I'm on, I also receive rent assistance, that's not much either, but c'link do have a budget advisory service that could also assist you.

chociloni · ‎27-03-2016

Thanks Pipsy. I am on Newstart, I have a crappy casual job cleaning houses plus I get the occasional freelance design job. I'm not fully financially dependant on them, I have just been using their money more recently when times have gotten tough. I have found a online tafe course which I really want to do, and fingers crossed I will get austudy for it, the tafe people said it was approved. Austudy is way more kinder to you...new start you're treated like a number.

I'm sorry you're on Newstart, do you have any other income or career aspirations?