Abusive parents and their effect on us, their children

[white knight]

 In my case I never saw the treatment of me by my mother as being abused. No doubt in my mind the reason is- she would ty to convince me that her treatment of me is for discipline reasons or its how all parents bring up their children.

It wasn’t until I became an adult, around 21yo that I realised this level of control will never end.

My tolerance lasted till I was 54yo and then the relationship, well I terminated it. The last 6 years have been wonderful, there was no other way.

So if a child feels so aggrieved by his/her parent that there is no other option but to disown there must be something serious that has been ongoing for a long time. The problem is, that the parent is often in denial, for “I’m the parent” attitude often prevails in their mind if they are a controller. Might is right! No it isn’t parent- RIGHT IS RIGHT.!

Lets go back a few generations. Say 1900. This period might be your great grandfathers time as a toddler. My granddad was one year old then. Many parents had traditional methods of parenting. Physical slapping or forcing children to do things was the norm. Dad was the law and mum was his servant unless mum possessed some incredible ways of manipulation in order to get things done her way. And her safety wasn’t secure either in many cases. Now 116 years isn’t that long ago in generation periods. Just 3-4 generations. I’m mentioning this because if that old fashioned method of life behind close door was adopted by the tyrants child and the grandchild…you could well be the next child to be abused. The handing down of methods of bringing up a child hadn’t changed regardless of its unacceptability in the modern world.

However, as adults of the modern world with these forms of control becoming unacceptable we know it is wrong and we rebel.

I can recall when my kids were babies. We were told not to breast feed, what to feed them, that we weren’t good parents, that we should be living in a home of more quality standard, that I should work more hours and “get a better job”. These expectations were unsustainable. My tolerance was finite.

When this happens it is abuse. It’s at least “stepping over the line”. For your own mental health and stability begin to set your boundaries. Be clear, direct, consistent, firm, fair and allow some time for it all to sink in. Then if all fails don’t feel guilty. You did your best with a parent that didn’t want limits to their control. You were a puppet seen no other way.

Tony WK

[Elizabeth CP]

Tony, You are right. We are lucky to live in a country with a welfare system to help those in need. There are a few that abuse the system but other than those exceptions no one choses to lose their job & be unemployed or to have a disability or illness & be unable to work enough to support themselves. Noone should feel guilty for needing Centrelink payments 

[blondguy]

Hey Pipsy

Im sorry to hear about your daughter not being well...I hope she improves...You have great kids and they must miss their dad so very much. He sounds like a wonderful and kind hearted guy.

CHOC! I too am on newstart..and yes centerlink can be a pain in the rump...Take the benefit and use it to help yourself. I have read your other post and please do take advantage of it .....

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[TPea]

Hi White Knight

What did you find worked / how did you manage the high and low points once you made a decision to cease contact with your mother?

[white knight]

Hi Tpea

By the time my mother had done so much damage I was 54yo and my sister 49yo. We had had enough.

My sister had her eldest daughter now 32yo and when 12yo our mother manipulated her grand daughter to leave home and live with her father in pure spite. This is what can occur if you fall out with a narcissistic person, vengeance appears and they will pursue you in some quite unexpected ways like stalking and reporting things to police that are untrue. She even reported my sister for being an unfit mother. The claim couldn't be justified at all in any way shape or form but it hurt.

Add to that the lies, caught out many times. Both my sister and I had over the years long bouts of segregation from our mother. When my sister returned to the family after a 7 year break, I told her that we should stick together and not allow our mother to come between us. A fair call. So we made a promise, that if mother approached the other one because she has a problem with the first one then we will insist she keep the argument to her and the one she is arguing with. Normal really ,and reasonable. But this is the first opposition she had from us, she couldn’t take not being able to triangulate the problem, to turn one of us against the other.

So the split came. By that time my sister and I had come to the end of our patience and knew in our hearts there was no other way to cope with her antics.

It’s been 6 years, I’ve had some lows about it. However the memories of the turmoil, the schemes, manipulation and division have never faded. Reminders also come with her forever contacting relatives to get them on side. We stand firm even though we lose those relatives. Show weakness and the cycle restarts with no relief. Nothing changes.

My close cousin asked me a while ago…”what if your mother was on her death bed in hospital and no long to go, you’d visit her then wouldn’t you”. The question was given to me as an expectation and I reminded him of how he worded it. I also pointed out that I have never asked you to fulfil obligations about him and his own mother, that my mother was a good nurturer and stay at home mum but her bad points are too bad for me to live with and finally “only the children of a narcissistic mother know what its like to live with her”.

We don’t have to justify to anyone our decisions. Others don’t know the difficulties and the trauma. So she will never “win” at her games …yet my sister and I have moved on to happiness.

Tony WK

[TPea]

Thank you for sharing your experience of how you manage with the support of your sister and remembering past behaviours.