Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

All discussions

Ben317 Help with partner after first child
  • replies: 12

Hey all. Not sure what to do or best action.any advice or help would be great but feels good to write it all out. Sorry about the rambling.We have a 7 month old baby boy. Love him to death. I love my partner. She is amazing with our son. Goes above a... View more

Hey all. Not sure what to do or best action.any advice or help would be great but feels good to write it all out. Sorry about the rambling.We have a 7 month old baby boy. Love him to death. I love my partner. She is amazing with our son. Goes above and beyond looking after him. Couldn’t ask for more. I understand the mental capacity is crazy what she is going through to give him so much attention and understand how exhausting that would be. first child and both learning. I’ve done dumb shit waking him up by being to loud or turning on a vaccume that scares him, to me I see it as normal learning curves. Not intentional.The issue is we are having is arguments over everything to the point I dont offer any suggestion or opinion. She talks to me like a useless person. For example our son had Covid and I picked him up from his cot after he was screaming in distress. Didn’t know where she was I knew she be getting things ready to help comfort him. She comes in while I’m trying to calm him and goes off calling me a potato and that I’m undermining her. My intention was in the moment calm the baby and help her next move. Anyway I just walked out and did everything else wrong after that apparently. I Just try and go with what she wants. Either I hang up the washing wrong. Or dinner not ready on time Or don’t do the nappy right and now I’m at the point of not doing nappys. I would love to To help her out and feel like I’m capable of looking after and comforting him. She now won’t let me in his room at night after I say good night. Not to comfort or put his dummy back in. I am willing to do anything any time.in the 7 months I believe I have gone for 2 10 minutes drives alone with our son and that was a big issue for her and maybe 3 walks around the block. Getting back at 6.03 three minutes late was the last I have done. As a father I’d love to bond with him alone to give her sometime for herself and also plenty of family bonding to. It as she doesn’t trust me and think I am capable. Not sure how she is with leaving him with her mum because I’m not there so I don’t know but my family at this stage is out of the question. I can’t pop over unless it’s planned and she is there. She will not communicate with me or sit down with me to talk things over. Won’t get outside help. I have to ask to book in a time when she is ready to talk after an argument, recently it’s been 5 days and she hasn’t given me the chance to talk. She came up with a partnership agreement giving us opportunity to take back and rephrase things we say. I think it’s good but when I gave her the option it was void because it wasn’t signed and I didn’t file the hard version. But when it suited her it was in use. So I guess How do I communicate with her and help us. Could this be post natal depression? In terms of intimacy it is 0. Won’t hug me. Doesn’t want a kiss on the head. Try to give her space as she might be touched out but things at the moment are dark, cold and I don’t know what to do. I will not walk out on our son or her. It’s not an option I would consider. Don’t need to f up another innocent child.

blueraven No family, no close friends or others
  • replies: 14

Hi, because of my toxic family situation I had to leave them. I found myself among some toxic people after that several times over and learnt the lesson that I had to leave them too. I now live by myself and other than 2 not-so-close friends, I don't... View more

Hi, because of my toxic family situation I had to leave them. I found myself among some toxic people after that several times over and learnt the lesson that I had to leave them too. I now live by myself and other than 2 not-so-close friends, I don't really have any other friends. I've tried getting closer to these friends but they have their own problems. I feel so alien, like there's no way I'll ever be able to have a close family-like group of friends or a partner, even though that's what I ultimately want. I put it off for many years because I was doing my own healing work, but each year that passes by the more alien and undeserving I feel. Now with covid also, it's getting very hard to meet others. I don't feel capable of working. I do have professional support, that's about it. I was wondering if anyone else is in the same boat? No one close. Is it possible to live like this? If I died perhaps no one would even notice for days...

anon_122 Boyfriends family trouble
  • replies: 1

Hi everyone i am in need of some help.So my bf has had family issues most of his life. Without getting into the details he has struggled alot with dealing with things and is quick to anger when something reminds him of his mum. He sees a therapist an... View more

Hi everyone i am in need of some help.So my bf has had family issues most of his life. Without getting into the details he has struggled alot with dealing with things and is quick to anger when something reminds him of his mum. He sees a therapist and it made him a little better but it is becoming increasingly longer between visits. All i want to know is how i can help him. I am feeling hopeless right now and not much help. I feel like it is driving a wedge in our relationship.

elise04 Am I toxic or is it just a trauma response?
  • replies: 1

hi, as the title suggests, I am quite conflicted. In a brief summary, I am now 24 and my childhood has included 6 deaths, 1 suicide, a family member with an eating disorder and a very traumatic past relationship. This all beginning from the age of 13... View more

hi, as the title suggests, I am quite conflicted. In a brief summary, I am now 24 and my childhood has included 6 deaths, 1 suicide, a family member with an eating disorder and a very traumatic past relationship. This all beginning from the age of 13. I'm not sure if I ever got over the death of the loved one as the next death happened so quickly after the last one happened, the first being extremely sudden. The relationship I was in was so toxic, I lost all my confidence, was depressed, did not love myself and I am now against affection due to various forms of toxic behaviours and abuse. On top of all this, I also have some anger issues where I just yell and basically have a tantrum which I have done since I was a child. It isn't all the time but when I wake up in a mood it is very very hard for me to get out of it and if I get pushed it results in the tantrum of me just yelling my lungs out as I honestly cannot communicate properly in that heightened state. Which now I think is because of the trauma I have been through. I am now in a very very healthy relationship with the person of my dreams and I feel as though I am ruining the relationship. At first I didn't want to hold his hand but now I do and I am okay with the physical affection most of the time. However, I feel myself pulling back from him even though he has done nothing wrong. I also react to silly little things that I definitely don't need to be upset by. I have stopped organising dates and asking him how he is without even realising I was doing that. I cling to little things like the one time two years ago he didn't want to see a sunrise and use it against him and say he doesn't want to do things I want to do. I know I have normal expectations and that I am a 'normal' person but at the same time how much of my reactions are trauma related and unhealed grief related? Why do I need to yell at him when I am upset? I just want to be loved but now that I am being loved by the right person, why do I feel the need to push him away and tear him down in the process? How do I manage my emotions in a healthy way?

KindnessWithin Strained relationship with sister
  • replies: 2

I have a strained relationship with my sister (48F) for the past 10 years. She has lost many personal and professional relationships in recent years. I hang in there because I have tons of patience and for the sake of family peace. I know one sore po... View more

I have a strained relationship with my sister (48F) for the past 10 years. She has lost many personal and professional relationships in recent years. I hang in there because I have tons of patience and for the sake of family peace. I know one sore point is that she is jealous that I’m married with children. I can’t help that she isn’t in the same position. She is passive aggressive and has mood swings and behaviours that makes me want to walk away. What happens now? I can’t talk to her in a healthy two way conversation. She talks over me, talks for hours, shuts me down and makes noises like a child. She never apologises. I’m sick of taking the blame for everything. I can see why others have walked away. I wonder if that is the best approach since I feel I have tried everything else?

Bizzybee What to do
  • replies: 2

Hi, I'm lost and looking for some direction. My hubby and I live in a city where we have friends (who are all busy with their own lives mind you) but zero family support. We have a 4yo daughter and we tag team with work. I work a few days a week and ... View more

Hi, I'm lost and looking for some direction. My hubby and I live in a city where we have friends (who are all busy with their own lives mind you) but zero family support. We have a 4yo daughter and we tag team with work. I work a few days a week and then he works the rest of the week, weekends included. We have done this since my daughter came along so 4 years going on 5. Hopefully it will change a bit when she starts school 5 days a week. But anyway, I do this thing every now and then and it seems to be when I've been with her for 2 weeks or more in a row (generally over a holiday period like right now) and my husband is working extra and because he earns more I'm at home running the household. Anyway... my daughter can be in a mood or overtired every now and then and she becomes a real battle for me. It's not in my nature to raise my voice but when I do she starts saying things like how I hate her and maybe she should go live with another family. Then she proceeds to have a meltdown. Like a tantrum because I'm trying to enforce some kind of rule or say no to something she's begging for. Anyway I struggle with it and the first thing I always do is I message my husband and ask him to come home early. This causes a huge problem because then if he does come home early it's usually dealt with and sorted by then. He gets really frustrated because in that moment he thinks I'm panicking and stressing (which I guess I am) and then I'm stressing him out whilst he's at work (trying to work). It obviously appears like I can't handle my parenting duties at home. I don't know what else to do and I guess he's the one person I feel I can reach out to for support or help but really I know he can't help when he's at work. I keep repeating this pattern and it's really getting to him and then I end up apologising because I know it wasn't the right thing to do but in that moment I'm having such a hard time with my daughter that I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions would be welcomed. Today I did it for probably the 4th time this year and I ended up using the TV to just calm her down. My husband said "why didn't you just do that in the first place?" I actually had no answer. I don't know why he's always my first point of call. It's like I need him to know how much I'm struggling. But that doesn't help in any way. He said I should talk to my Mum about moving here for more support if I'm struggling at home this much but I know she won't move country's nor can I expect her to do that for me when she has other kids where she lives.

pommy1964 Help
  • replies: 1

Hi new to this, 11 years after a traumatic divorce and now have a lovely guy,my divorce and ex aren't thought about majority of the time.But sometimes I struggle besides affair who I'm fully aware husbands guilty but with a friend also again not my m... View more

Hi new to this, 11 years after a traumatic divorce and now have a lovely guy,my divorce and ex aren't thought about majority of the time.But sometimes I struggle besides affair who I'm fully aware husbands guilty but with a friend also again not my main issue. This mistress now wife tried to run me off the road,called me a whore in the street,worst lied to police and got a vro on me I was locked up with druggies I'm just a normal mum never had trouble with police I had to prove I was innocent which I did, I was on anti depressants and she was trying to get me committed to mental institute messaging my friends I was terrified.I have 2 sons a the time 16 and 21 who took it badly. I was told by police for my own safety to leave the area I actually left the country ended up 4 years till I was brave enough to return to be nr my sins now late 20s n early 30s. This has all come to the surface as I've just become a Nana for the 1st time and my son promised baby with only have 1 Nana and 1 grandma they just want her called by her 1st time and my son has informed his dad. I feel she is going to be called grandma as son won't say anything because won't want to upset his dad. Am I been selfish as why for once are my feelings not taken I to consideration she did so much damage to our family. Yes time has moved on I get that but I was effected I was never the same and lost 4 years of my kids lives because I was to scared to return.

123Frustratedman Sexless marriage due to past issues
  • replies: 2

Where to start!I am a 67 year old married man.My first marriage was when I was 19. Not sure if I was fully in love or just loved her legs. Our honeymoon night was the start of the downhill relationship as she said she was tired and wanted to sleep. I... View more

Where to start!I am a 67 year old married man.My first marriage was when I was 19. Not sure if I was fully in love or just loved her legs. Our honeymoon night was the start of the downhill relationship as she said she was tired and wanted to sleep. I sat out on the balcony of our hotel on my own drinking. The lack of intimacy lasted throughout the 7 years of our marriage until I left. No one else was involved and I moved in with my parents. After a few relationships I met my now wife of 37 years. The first 2 years of our relationship was amazing in every way, especially in the bedroom. Some 2 months before we married she told me not to expect the honeymoon period to last. I must have been Nieve as I had never heard that expression before. Sure enough our intimacy virtually ended and has since we got married. The only times that she initiated sex was when she wanted to conceive or she was drunk and stoned.during our marriage we experienced problems with her family and she gained an enormous amount of weight to the point that not only was it very unhealthy but I also found her unattractive. I had always been honest with her and told her the few times that a women had flirted or wanted to sleep with me, which I never had as my vows are sacred to me.I admit that I held a grudge towards her from the day that our intimacy declined/ stopped and found it difficult to be as loving as maybe I should have been, but I felt so undesired, un attractive and unwanted.we have on many occasions gone for over a year with no intimacy. We have been and still are going to marriage guidance that has helped me understand that some of the things I said in the past upset her, especially about her weight.She tells me that I have to love her unconditionally and she need me to treat her as my princess. I have asked her to explain unconditionally but she will not.I have changed the way that I treat her, I constantly cuddle her, tell her I love her as well as doing virtually everything around the house as we are both now retired. She has been on anti depressants for over 30 years and I believe that childhood drama has something to do with it.Now whenever she drinks, which is virtually every night she constantly brings up the past. We have gone over the same things to which I have sincerely appoligesed and agreed that I was wrong for saying some of the things that I said.the arguments are getting to the stage where I can no longer deal with them anymore.

Dusicka My mum is a victim of a romance scam and is in denial
  • replies: 8

My mum is currently "in a relationship" with a scammer and is in complete denial of what is happening. She has accused me of some awful things and it's taking every fiber of my being to put this down to the psychologically manipulative situation she ... View more

My mum is currently "in a relationship" with a scammer and is in complete denial of what is happening. She has accused me of some awful things and it's taking every fiber of my being to put this down to the psychologically manipulative situation she is in and try to not let it affect me but it's so incredibly difficult. The seemingly endless rollercoaster of seeing a horrible situation unfold is impacting everything in my life. I'm not sleeping,I'm constantly anxious and I feel utterly helpless. My dad died just over a year ago, and this has been hard enough to deal with, but this scam has been going on for months and she's getting in deeper and deeper. I lost my dad already. I don't want to lose my mum. My brother is handling this even worse. Everyone has always told me how strong I am so I keep trying to hold myself together for the sake of my family but I fear I am shattering inside. I have never sought mental health support before today but I'm desperate and I don't know where to turn. Is there anyone out there with a similar experience who can offer some ideas on what to do? I want to help my mum and family but I know I have to also help myself.