Cheating is a dealbreaker??

[Shockedwife]

Hi, 

I have been married for 25 years and i thought our life together was pretty perfect.  We spend lots of time together going for walks, going out for dinners and shows and going on mini-holidays often. 

8 months ago i discovered he had starting engaging in online sex chats.  He assured me it was just chats, photos and one potential meetup that he thought better of and cancelled.

I was absolutely devastated and in shock. 

However he has now admitted that he had sex with 2 of those women, (i suspect there were probably more that he hasn't admitted to).  

This was even more unbelievable to me.  I begged for honesty back then and he continued to lie to me, although i understand he didnt want to own up to more as it would surely break us up. 

As bad as i feel I could almost move past this as it was months ago and could think of it as a once off mistake.   

However i also just found out he resubscribed to the sex site again a few weeks ago and was heading in the same direction again, spending money for photos, gifts and looking at bars for meet ups. 

I also found out that he has met up with a couple of women from the gym for coffees, platonic at this point, but of course they are single women and im sure they would think he wants more and he obviously knows its wrong as this was also kept a secret from me.

Now that this has been exposed he knows i really might leave him now and he is desperate to do anything to stop that happening.  We have just started couples counselling to try to get an understanding as to why it happened and to help me decide whether to stay or break up.

He would be distraught if our young adult children ever found out.

I always thought that cheating would be a deal breaker for me and it would be an easy decision, however in reality its not that easy.

The problem is that i really love him and i loved our life together and just want things to go back to the way they were, but dont think we can ever be the same again and struggle to see at the moment how we could even be somewhat happy again.

I hate the thought of ending everything after 25 years, selling the house, upsetting the family, being on my own etc...

Its all so sad and daunting.  The easiest option is to carry on, but obviously with new conditions.

Is there anyone out there with a similar experience who has stayed and made it work?

Thanks for reading my story.

[Croix]

Dear Shockedwife~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here to the Forum.  It is a very sad thing to be in your position and as you have realised the decision to stay or go is not as cut and dried as you once thought.

Of cause I can't answer you either way, everyone is different, however I can say I'm impressed with  your ability to cope and deal in a measured way with such a shocking matter rather than a knee jerk reaction is most impressive. After all your whole world is upside-down

You have reacted by having couples counseling and also have a pretty clear view of what  separation entails. Of course it is only human to wish for things to be as they once were, however with trust broken I doubt that can happen. similarly what is causing him to behave this way may never be really addressed, he possibly does not know himself.

So I guess the question comes down to how much strenght and self confidence you have if you stay together and have to deal with similar behaviour in the future.

Also of course how much effort he is prepared to put into staying with you. While this behaviour is a major flaw and I'm not excusing in the slightest it I would imagine that like most people he is a mixture, after all if he could have so long living in harmony with you he must have a good side, the one you love.

Do you feel you have to act straight away, possibly to save yourself future hurt, or simply see how things go with this disclosure and the counceling?

Also do you have anyone you trust that cares about you and give you support, a family member or friend perhaps. While not the easiest thing to talk about with anybody having a confidant may make things easier.

I'm going to finish on a practical note, if he has been intimate wiht several other persons as well as yourself then testing for STDs might be appropriate (sorry to be blunt)

Please do feel free to come here and talk about things whenever you wish

Croix

[Shockedwife]

Hi Croix

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.  

It felt somewhat comforting to read that you think i am handling the situation in this manner.  

I do have a friend that i have unloaded to, and she has been fabulous and non-judgemental and is there for me which helps enormously.  

I will continue with the counselling and not make a decision just yet and probably give it a bit of time to see how i feel once it has settled and become real, as i think i am still in shock and it hasnt quite sunk in properly.

Will also have the STD chat soon.

Thanks again

[Croix]

Dear Shockedwife~

You're welcome, I'm glad it was a bit of a help. As I said you har handling matters in a very mature fashion.

As you said I'd expect you would still be in shock, I know I would having the mainstay in my life suddenly become someone else. Giving yourself time to see how you feel is wise move before deciding anything.

As for the STDs, I"d suggest you really need both of you to be tested.

I think it is great you have a confidant, I've found it makes it easier to sort things out if you can bounce them off someone else.

You are always welcome here

Croix