unbalanced partnership

[Molly]

I have been with my partner almost 25 years. We are not married and have 2 children. We live in a house owned by his parents, and our rent is very reasonable. My partner has been running his own business from downstairs for 7 years, but has never earned enough to pay tax. I have casual work, but have primarily been a stay at home Mum whilst our children were young. My partner slipped a disc in his back 4 years ago and was totally incapacitated for 6 months, leaving me to do everything, and I mean everything. Being a sole trader he did not receive any financial suport whilst his back was buggered, he couldn’t even drag himself to the toilet, I was emptying containers of pee for months. Anyway, fast forward to now, his back is better, but his business has not picked up and he has done nothing to try and get more clients. He barely earns $250 a week most weeks. We are surviving on tiny government handouts and I am at my wits end. I am looking for a second job. My frustrations are these: Despite being well enough now to work, he does nothing to try and help himself. Running a business is hard, but he is not putting in the effort. He does zero advertising, does not hustle to find more clients at all. He has no website, nor is he saving to try and build one. I do all his invoicing and responding to emails that will sit there if I do not. He doesn’t seem to have any motivation at all. When he hurt his back his parents gave him a repreive from paying rent, but I have still been paying my share… but there is no end in sight. They have not given him a deadline as to when they want the money back, and I feel that it’s unfair that I am struggling to pay, when he is not. 4 years it has been this way. Aside from the injury he’s had other ongoing back issues most of his life and we have never shared a bed as he can’t sleep in one because it hurts his back. So every night I go to bed alone. I’m sure you can see what this has done to our sex life – it is non-existent. I am lonely and tired of this situation. Despite having no money, nor paying any rent he smokes cigarettes and weed and manages to find money for those. I do not feel I can rely on him financially at all. I pay for all the children’s expenses, laptops, school needs etc… If an unexpected bill pops up, I have to deal with it alone, or his Mother swoops in to give him money. I feel he is taking advantage of his parents and me. I have tried discussing the sleeping arrangements and even bought a new, harder mattress for us but he still does not use it or come to bed. He sleeps in an office chair all night falling asleep after playing video games, or sleeps on a roll mat on the floor of his studio downstairs. I sleep in our bedroom upstairs. His sleeping patterns are all over the shop, often he stays up until 4am and then sleeps until midday or until he has a client. He often falls asleep in front of the TV. It feels like he is disinterested in me and our family. We have no plans for our future, neither holidays, buying a house together nor general future discussion. I feel more like flatmates with children rather than a couple with mutual desires. Is it time to walk away or can this be fixed? Thank-you

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

Welcome the to the Forum, I hope it will be helpful as you may see others here who have had to cope with similar problems.

You certainly are doing all the practical heavy lifting, and by the sound of it without appreciation or intimacy. That is hard and I"d not be surprised at anger, frustration and loneliness as well as wondering if there is any point.

May I ask if your partner ever was able to make his way in the world and earn a decent living? It does not look like his own business would ever make a profit.

I guess there are several factors you are considering, how long you can keep up this effort, the relationship between your partner and the childtren, if in fact he does love you and if there is much chance of his improving. His life seems almost independent, and may perhaps be influenced by the fact he has always had a backstop in his mother being there to rescue him. Weed would not help either.

It may of course be the case he has developed a mental health issue and an a visit to the doctor may identify if that is so.  As a very rough indicator which is not a diagnosis Beyond Blue has a self-test here for anxiety and depression. Taking the results to the doctor might be useful

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/k10

Can I suggest before making up your mind you see if couples counceling would make a change. I'd suggest Relationships Australia, who may have a base near you, or know of a similar service that was.

Doing everything with no love or appreciation cannot go on for ever, it is harmful to you, and gives the  children a poor example of shared responsibilities.

Are you facing al this alone? Is there perhaps a family member or friend to lend you support? Even just listening and showing care can make a big difference

You are welcome here anytime

Croix

[Molly]

Thank-you so much for your reply. Couples counseling sounds like a good place to start. I appreciate your suggestions.  

[Croix]

Dear Molly~

You never know, some people do not really see the effect they have on others, and it takes a third party to give them an accurate picture. So I hope counseling does make for an improvement.

Please do let us know how you go (if you would like to of course)

Croix

[therising]

Hi Molly

Such a fitting title for your post. I've found a relationship to be a bit like a see-saw. At times there will appear a sense of balance, where we're on the same level. At other times partners will need to raise each other to a high through certain challenges, to obtain certain revelations, to gain certain emotional experiences that will serve them and so on. Of course, this can actually strengthen a relationship through sharing the ups and downs but if we're doing most of the raising on that see-saw then technically that means we're down most of the time, propping our partner up. It's hard work and never experiencing highs for our self can become depressing while also leading to resentment. Molly, you should be experiencing highs in your life.

While your partner's living the dream, running a business he's always wanted to run, living free from financial responsibility, smoking weed as much as he likes, I suppose you could say his dream has become your nightmare to some degree. I imagine you've tried to wake him up in a number of ways, make him fully conscious. I'm glad you're considering counseling as a way of waking him up to the reality you face. In counseling sessions, you might be able to get to the root of the cause of your husband's behaviour and ways of thinking. Whether it's related to fear or depression or him being in the habit of not taking responsibility (with his parents having taken it for him most of his life), I imagine things will come to light for you, even if they don't for him.

I think it can be hard to wake someone up when certain substances keep them asleep in certain ways. While my husband's a high functioning drinker, he'd much rather ignore or drink away certain pressing emotions. When pressing emotions are the emotions that are going to put us under pressure to change things for the better, smoking those important uncomfortable emotions away or drinking them away means change is most likely never going to be achieved. While under so much pressure over the years, I imagine you've developed in a whole number of incredible ways beyond who you once were.