Relationship and family issues

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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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sentinel23 Where do I go from here?
  • replies: 17

We've been married for 20 years. Over the last year, things have deteriorated to the point where both of us have said we were leaving the relationship on several occasions. In my opinion, this was because of poor communication on my wife's part. Rath... View more

We've been married for 20 years. Over the last year, things have deteriorated to the point where both of us have said we were leaving the relationship on several occasions. In my opinion, this was because of poor communication on my wife's part. Rather than talk an issue through, she would rather avoid any conflict and just let it fester.Anyway, a couple of weeks ago things escalated again and I said I was going to leave. Once again, pulled myself back from the brink and suggested we go to counselling (again). We've both had 1 individual session each, and then a joint session. I have to say I walked out of the last session feeling that there was no hope.What really concerns me is the way that the counsellor handled the session. Basically all blame was laid at my feet. Whilst some issues that were raised were right, some weren't, and I was a bit surprised at how quick the counsellor came to their conclusions. Afterall, we're trying to distill 20 years of marriage and all the nuances that involves into 2 one hour sessions. I know I definitely didn't touch on all the issues I needed to raise. Also, I really felt on the back foot for the most of the session, to the point where for the last 30 mins I basically just shut down and let everyone else do the talking. Quite often I would start to say something and would immediately be cut off. Other times I would make a statement which would be micro analysed and I would be left with the feeling that the counsellor thought I wasn't being truthful. Overall, I was left devastated and feeling worthless. My expectation of counselling was that we both might end a session a little bit closer to resolution but I have never felt further away. I really need some advice on where to go from here.1. Find a new counsellor who makes us both feel comfortable.2. Stay with the current counsellor. Even though I don't like their style, I was told that I would need to commit to 6 sessions so I should give it a chance. Also, if this is to be successful I think both of us will need to face some hard truths about ourselves, and I don't really want to run away from that.3. Leave. That evening after the counsellor I wanted to discuss some of the issues that were raised. My wife didn't want to do this. I don't know if I can be married to someone where communicating our concerns is so hard. If the only time we can talk about our problems is through a counsellor then I'm out.

MummaOf4 Gaslighting my marriage
  • replies: 8

I'm gaslighting my marriage. I'm making the same stupid mistakes and I think it's over this time. I betrayed my husband. Over the past year I've felt like my husband had lost love for me, he never used to do all the nice things for me any more, the l... View more

I'm gaslighting my marriage. I'm making the same stupid mistakes and I think it's over this time. I betrayed my husband. Over the past year I've felt like my husband had lost love for me, he never used to do all the nice things for me any more, the little things that matter. I had felt like I needed it elsewhere(dating site) I'd just love the attention that I had wished my husband would give me. We argue a lot. Mostly about money, having no car to go on family trips, and of course he would go through my phone and see my disgusting flirting. I want to change, I want to be a better wife that he deserves, I genuinely love him. We have been through a lot together. I don't want this to end. I suggested marriage counselling but he refuses. We have a son together that is a daddy's boy. It will break my heart if he leaves. I won't know what to do, we have an argument and he just packs up and goes to leave and it upsets our son thinking daddy is leaving. I don't want to put my son in a broken home. He doesn't deserve that. I just don't know what to do. I'm killing my marriage.

LonelyGirl24 Moving On From A Cheater
  • replies: 1

My ex-boyfriend and I have had issues since November 2022. He broke up with me twice stating that he was unhappy with our relationship because of countless reasons but then he will beg me after a few days wanting to come back. To make it worse, he al... View more

My ex-boyfriend and I have had issues since November 2022. He broke up with me twice stating that he was unhappy with our relationship because of countless reasons but then he will beg me after a few days wanting to come back. To make it worse, he also admitted to 'emotionally cheating' on me and was messaging a girl from work. He also admit that he did like her but he loved me and my daughter. I was such a mess at that time and it broke my heart into million pieces when we sat down with my daughter and explained to her that we were breaking up. When he asked me to come back again to me and my daughter after he tried to break up with me the second time around, I asked him countless times if he had sex with her. He denied it so many times. I asked him that that was his last chance and that I need him to be honest with him. I was paranoid the whole time we were working on our relationship but I started to feel confident again and started to trust him again. Fast forward to last week Monday, I found out that the girl he was cheating with is pregnant. I had a bad feeling about it when I saw it on Facebook. I wanted to ask him but I did not know how to and I was confident that he was not the father. I actually felt quite relieved that the girl moved on already. However, my intuition stayed with me. On Wednesday morning, I decided to check his phone whilst he was asleep. Lo and behold, they were messaging each other and he knew that she was pregnant. I turned on the lights and kicked him out immediately. Before he left, he explained to me that they had sex when he left last year 'once' because he thought that we were breaking up for good. He admitted that he cut off all communication with her when we were working on our relationship but then she started communicating with him again two weeks ago and inform him that she was pregnant. This girl knew that she was pregnant since December but only told my ex-bf two weeks ago. My ex-bf seems to think that he is the father as the girl told her that she was not with anyone else. I verbally abuse him on that day, kicked him out, and never looked back. I am so angry at the moment that I continue to verbally abuse him over text messages. I sent an angry message to the girl and even involved her mother to let her know how her daughter got pregnant and her future son-in-law is a cheater and wanted to abort her grandchild. I am still angry and I want to make revenge and ruin their lives.

_ranaxuraya_ Lost
  • replies: 3

My ex partner left me after 8 months of dating, and we were both extremely in love with each other. His reason for ending the relationship related to him not being able to balance a relationship with his other repsonsibilties right now. He told me it... View more

My ex partner left me after 8 months of dating, and we were both extremely in love with each other. His reason for ending the relationship related to him not being able to balance a relationship with his other repsonsibilties right now. He told me it had nothing to do with love and that it wasn't anything I did. We still message each other every now and then, he left before my birthday and on my birthday he sent me a very heartfelt message saying he loves me and still keeps me in his prayers and hopes for the best for me. It still hurts so much though. This was the first time I've ever felt this deeply and in love with someone and the pain is unberable. I respect the fact that he was honest with me about not being able to balance things but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I love him so much. I haven't been able to eat, sleep or focus on anything the past 4 weeks. I feel so lost and hurt and I just don't want to be here anymore. It feels like this will never pass and i dont know what to do. I tried pushing past it and treid to go to work, ended up having a panic attack and got rushed to the hopsital. I don't know how to function anymore. I'm hurt and I don't want to feel anything anymore. Does anyone have any advice on how or what I can do please?

BlueBorder Living with a Borderline narcissist mother
  • replies: 11

Hi I’ll apologise upfront for the length of this post but I’m hoping to find someone in the same situation as me. I’m married with a child in my mid 30s and have a very volatile relationship with my mum to say the least. She has many mental health pr... View more

Hi I’ll apologise upfront for the length of this post but I’m hoping to find someone in the same situation as me. I’m married with a child in my mid 30s and have a very volatile relationship with my mum to say the least. She has many mental health problems but refuses to seek help. As a child, I grew up in a violent home with lots of screaming and some physical violence but not towards me. I believe this has left me with anxiety of loud noises. My mother always told me all about her problems, from her mother to her work issues and my father and their relationship (they’re still married). When I got to high school my mum was always upset that I would spend time with my friends and not her, this has continued into adulthood. My mum has regularly sent me texts basically unloading all of her issues with me often when I’m at work and she knows I’m at work. Whenever I receive these texts it completely ruins my day. The texts usually come about from something she perceives I have done wrong. For example if I dare tell my dad I love him and I don’t say the same to her. I’m here writing this as they often cross the line, the latest being this week when she has sent 7 texts within 2 days saying things like she never wants to see me again, she wants everyone to know she hates me, I’m a despicable human being and that I’m the nastiest person on earth. Prior to these texts I had sent her text wishing her a happy birthday. I think this is emotional abuse and it’s not the first time she has been awful to me. I have attempted to set boundaries with her that included a request that she not just show up at my house. I did this as when she does show up she stays for hours and if I say I’m busy or need to do something or have plans, I get the above kind of text messages or passive aggressive ones saying she knows I don’t have time for her and she won’t bother me ever again. Anyway after setting this boundary she showed up at our house drunk so I guess my point is that I don’t feel as though setting boundaries work. She has also contacted all of my friends behind my back if we’ve had a disagreement to tell them her side of the story because she thinks that I talk about her to them which I don’t until they contact me to tell me what she’s said to them. What do I do? I have honestly tried everything, including seeing a psychologist with her which she took nothing from and went back to her bad behaviour quickly. Thanks for reading my essay!

Ljtorana I don't know what I'm meant to do
  • replies: 2

I have been through horrific sexual trauma as a child and now I feel rejected if I don't have sex, and due to my partners past relationships he hates sex... what do I do....?

I have been through horrific sexual trauma as a child and now I feel rejected if I don't have sex, and due to my partners past relationships he hates sex... what do I do....?

mermaidgirl New relationship after infidelity
  • replies: 1

I have started seeing someone for just over a month now. We are taking things slow, but I am having issues with feeling anxious after being with them. Everything is amazing when we are together. When we aren’t together I worry they will change the wa... View more

I have started seeing someone for just over a month now. We are taking things slow, but I am having issues with feeling anxious after being with them. Everything is amazing when we are together. When we aren’t together I worry they will change the way they feel about me, they will not want to see me anymore, they will find someone better. A year ago I left my marriage after discovering my husband was unfaithful with my best friend. This has obviously damaged me and I now have major trust issues and abandonment issues. How can I move past this?

WHaze47 Stuck in a loop
  • replies: 2

I don't know anymore. There's so many things going on in my head, I can't focus on anything. Again and again I've tried to heal or I've tried to forget about my ex and the moment I actually start feeling better he messages me out of nowhere and it ju... View more

I don't know anymore. There's so many things going on in my head, I can't focus on anything. Again and again I've tried to heal or I've tried to forget about my ex and the moment I actually start feeling better he messages me out of nowhere and it just triggers me so much. I would feel happy? that he reached out and at the same time feel resentful and angry for the things that happened in the past...there's so many emotions I'm feeling at the same time and again I ride the rollercoaster, it frustrates me. I know I am to blame for letting him treat me like that from the beginning but I can't seem to get rid of him emotionally. I am frustrated with myself for always replying back and taking him back whenever he feels like coming back. I feel so worthless. I feel like I haven't learned the lesson. Its frustrating, I need help.... I need help to get out of this cycle, blocking him seems pointless...I've reached out to a few friends and they said dating again would help me forget, but I feel like that would just make things worse as I feel so agitated already. I need help....what should I do?

Cris_B True light or gaslight? I don’t know anymore.
  • replies: 2

Hi everyone, I recently gave birth via caesarean and received no spouse support for two months. He had five weeks off work but refused to help myself or the baby and played computer games to ‘escape’ me and his son. I was verbally scolded for not tid... View more

Hi everyone, I recently gave birth via caesarean and received no spouse support for two months. He had five weeks off work but refused to help myself or the baby and played computer games to ‘escape’ me and his son. I was verbally scolded for not tidying up after myself, making it difficult for him to clean the house and for asking for help when I ‘didn’t need it’ or when he was busy playing games. I had the baby blues and he yelled at me for crying and when I told him that I was going to speak to a counsellor about my moods, he told me that he didn’t believe in depression or counsellors and that I just needed to be grateful. After two months he decided to become involved and then continued to accuse me of not including him. He asked me to text him my whereabouts at all times and demanded that I be home one weekend day when he came from work (always different hours that were communicated to me in real time) to spend alone time with his son. He monitored my presence with the house cameras and wanted me to invite him to every event / catch up that I had even if I didn’t want him there. Now, as our child surpasses three months of age, he is acting normal again and gave me a ‘im sorry but I was feeling a lot of pressure’ speech. I told him that I felt exhausted by his behaviour and that I felt cheated on; the person I needed and trusted to meet my needs, abandoned me and our son when we were both at our most vulnerable. He has acted like this once before, about four years ago, and I told him then that I would leave him if he spoke to me in this way. At the time he stopped. I am heartbroken and seeing a counsellor to try and forgive and forget but to be honest, I don’t believe the way he treated me was acceptable and I can’t trust that he will be there for me in the future or that he won’t ‘turn’ when things get hard. He won’t seek help but told me that admitting he was wrong should be enough for me. Am I gaslighting myself? Being gaslighted? I just don’t know anymore.

Mememo Trying to let go
  • replies: 2

I've been living with a good man for 2 years and I've made some mistakes. I am disappointing him all the time. I feel desperate that he loves me. It's can be both terrible but when he loves me it's the height of love and wonderful and I'm on cloud ni... View more

I've been living with a good man for 2 years and I've made some mistakes. I am disappointing him all the time. I feel desperate that he loves me. It's can be both terrible but when he loves me it's the height of love and wonderful and I'm on cloud nine. He has broken up with me several times and then we've worked it out but it's left me insecure and needy. I think so much of this person and it hurts so much that he might want me gone. I feel like I can't handle life without him but I know I have to let him go. If it's meant to be he will still love me. How do I stay ok when I'm doing this? I'm heartbroken.