Difficulty with in laws

[Mind_love]

I'm new to this forum, thanks for taking the time to read my post. I signed up because I'm really struggling with family dynamics, more specifically, my In Laws and their involvement in our lives. I met my now husband when I was 16, he was 17. It's one of those high school sweetheart stories, and now 33 & 34 we are married and still mad about each other. He's an only child, so from the outset there were challenges with his MIL feeling like she was being 'replaced', and she really struggled with seeing her baby boy transition into a man. I spent a lot of time living in their home, they took me in & treated me like a daughter in many ways. It exasperated the issues. During that time, she could be incredibly abusive... depression & alcohol were present and she’d have episodes, once calling me a 'whore ‘, even went through the rubbish looking for used condoms.. but I was so young that I didn't have a voice.. I continued to be 'sweet' and accommodating.

As the years went on, the behaviour became more manipulative & passive. She really struggled with her son becoming a man and him putting his partner first, and for years, I allowed the manipulation, passive comments, emotional abuse. My FIL wasn't any help, he completely enabled the behaviour. It got so bad that it eventually ruined our relationship, and we went our separate ways for just over a year. We got back together when we were in our mid-twenties and it was at this point that I put my first boundary in place. I had done a lot of therapy whilst we were separated, and I had finally woken up to what was happening. The condition was, if we were going to be together, we would move out, get our own space and establish some healthy boundaries with his parents. Well, you can imagine how that went down.

During those years we decided to move to London. For the first time, we had some breathing room. Just 6 months after moving overseas my mother suddenly passed away. Words can't describe the feeling; the grief was palpable. My MIL made my mother's death about her. She started to insert herself into my life, telling me that she could be my mother, she had a tantrum after the funeral because she wanted to be more 'involved'. Both my FIL & MIL were incredibly selfish around my mums death. She made my husband feel guilty for prioritising me & would throw a tantrum if things didn’t go her way.. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to truly forgive them for that.

They hated when we set boundaries & challenged us every time. They said they "miss the sweet young girl that I used to be". I was no longer that 16yr old girl, I was an adult that was going to protect herself and her relationship. 

We moved back to Aus, got married (you can imagine what planning a wedding was like) and now we've been married for 3 years and I'm soulfully unhappy in my relationship with my husband’s parents. My husband has done a lot of great work with boundaries, had the difficult conversations and things have improved in some ways. They have certainly listened and backed off in areas, but they are still the intense, obsessive and very manipulative set of parents I first met when I was 16. 

My husband and I are talking about having a baby and I am terrified. It's enough to make me consider not having children at all. I know nothing I do will ever be enough for them, it'll never satisfy their thirst or meet their expectations. I don't send enough photos of the dog, I don't post enough of my life on social media, I'm too skinny, I need to be friends with XYZ, the list goes on. My husband agrees and sees the issues. He tries to support in the best way he can, but he's an only child and the pressure on him is immense, and  subconsciously he just wants to keep the peace. 

I've asked for us to go to marriage therapy, as I don't feel we can face this alone. After months of ignoring me, he's finally agreed. I want a good relationship with them, I really do, for the sake of my husband mostly! It's my goal to get this to a place where we can really enjoy being a family, but right now, I don't like being around them & don't know what else to do. Any support, thoughts or guidance would be so appreciated. 

[quirkywords]

Mind-love

Parents In laws can be tricky. I am one and and I had two. They are not your parents so the connection is not as strong but they are your husbands parents . 

I glad your husband has agreed  to going to marriage therapy. 
 Maybe they may not be your friends but it is very hard for your husband as he may feel torn between you and his parents. Hopefully you can both see a counsellor soon. 
one thing I learnt is not to react to every comment but to deep breathe and smile and not to tell my then husband all the faults of his parents on the way home.

feel free to reply .we are listening . There is support here. 

[Mind_love]

Thank you for your reply. 

I completely understand that they are his parents, which is why I've worked hard on ignoring the little comments as best I can and still make an effort to spend time with them after everything that's happened. I know a lot of it comes from a place of love and not having awareness, so I do my best to accept what I can and keep in contact, but still maintain my boundaries, which I think is healthy. The issue is, they don't really believe in or have any boundaries themselves, so they continue push ours/ mine and almost have these bursts of toxic behaviour. I feel like no matter what I do, it's never enough. I know I can't change them, and I want my husband to have a good relationship with them but they're making it incredibly difficult. I don't feel like it is a safe, unconditional & loving environment, especially not one I want to bring a child into which will only increase the intensity I imagine. 

We will go to therapy, but I must be honest, after 17 years of 'dealing it', I'm starting to have very negative thoughts about my own marriage and its future, which is really upsetting. 

[quirkywords]

Mind-love that is so sad how you feel about your marriage and how your in laws can be toxic. 
it must be so stressful coping with an unsafe environment and worrying about how a child may intensify feelings. 
Does you husband really understand how his parents treat you..?

[therising]

Hi Mind_love

I think some people refuse to be raised to certain levels, for one reason or another. What I mean by that is have their consciousness raised to new levels in ways that can come to serve everyone.

While you've managed to raise your own consciousness over the years and your partner has raised his, it's good that you're both exploring a whole new level together, in relation to the marriage therapy. It'll be interesting when it comes to what you learn about yourselves, your relationship together and your in-laws. Revelations have a way of shedding light on things, making the way forward clearer. I recall going to marriage counseling some years back and I learned a lot about myself and my marriage. It was a real turning point. While my husband refused to attend, I still learned what I needed to know which included lessons in self respect and how developing more of it (along with confidence and self love) can be a real game changer in many ways. Good guidance encourages us to set good boundaries and it can lead us to view our self in new and positive ways.

My heart goes out to you in relation to the loss of your mum, such a painful and challenging time in your life. I think given your in-laws behaviour during that time, it's understandable that you'd question their level of self service. You should have been served in all the ways you needed to be served. You should have been raised through such a painful time, not brought down and upset even further.

As you and your partner rise together to meet a number of challenges, I wish you only the best. As new facets of you continue to come to life, you may come to find the lioness in you (a maternal 'take no prisoners' protector of her cubs). It can be a fearless part of us if we allow it to be.