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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Stillflying People pleaser and self loather - how do I stop feeling guilty when friends wrong me?
  • replies: 3

I don't really want to go into the details because I dont want it to turn into a debate about what I should or shouldn't have done, other friends have weighed in and said they overreacted and got personal and cruel.I don't have a diagnosis of anythin... View more

I don't really want to go into the details because I dont want it to turn into a debate about what I should or shouldn't have done, other friends have weighed in and said they overreacted and got personal and cruel.I don't have a diagnosis of anything specific but I see a psychologist for anxiety and depression related symptoms that mostly only manifest in bigger issues at work. I had an overly critical and mood swinging mother so I get really sensitive to other people's bad moods.Does anyone have any tools or reading I could have a look at about how to let go of bad emotions after a fight with a friend? I feel like there's an emotional side and logical side of me and while I've said constantly to myself, you can't control other people, you can only control how you react, after a fight about something stupid where someone has said something really cruel and unfair to me, all I can keep doing is circling on the argument and feeling guilty like I've done something wrong, but logically I know I haven't. For whatever reason, they were in a bad mood or stressed and snapped at me.I can't logic myself out of feeling shitty and guilty and like I've caused it, I've tried to accept I couldn't do anything different, but its hanging around like a grey aura and making me feel like I can't do any of the hobbies I like to take my mind off it, and can't stop feeling like I hate myself and I'm worthless and I just can't watch TV or crochet, or read a book. I feel trapped in a vortex of misery.I can't resolve it because they've blocked me on social media and to be honest its probably not a good time so soon after to try and fix it. I don't know what to do, or what CBT or mental health lessons or books to read about the above type of thing.I've tried deep breathing exercises and grounding exercises, my next appointment isn't for another two weeks, that feels so far away right now. I'd welcome any ideas or even any stories from someone that knows what I'm talking about here.

white knight People violating your basic values
  • replies: 2

It's clear I think that recent years has disclosed the immense differences between ages in terms of our thinking patterns and values. The new "woke" and the over 50yo are miles apart for example. Such differences can infiltrate into families and grou... View more

It's clear I think that recent years has disclosed the immense differences between ages in terms of our thinking patterns and values. The new "woke" and the over 50yo are miles apart for example. Such differences can infiltrate into families and groups causing conflict. To minimise mental anguish is to acknowledge your differences and stop the interactions in their path before you suffer the consequences. Family members can experience vast differences between each other. In my family it has become clear that narcissism has been handed down on the female side of my family. This revelation is indeed raw, it's hurtful as after 67 years I havent been able to combat it, cure it, sooth it nor cope with it. Narcissistic triangulation would have to be one of the most evil actions someone can do to another let alone within family. It is a process whereby one person has conflict with another and seemingly without taking a breath, the narcissist recruits other members by whatever means possible to "fight" their foe, be it young or adult children, parents, wills, anything to "win". What kind of sibling would manipulate against you by convincing others of your wrongdoing hence leading to the severing of your relationships of other loved ones? So this topic is indeed close to hearts out there that need to cope with loss How do you cope? I've learned how. Draw your line in the sand. Eg You have a friend and you think you know them. They drop in as your daughter and her new boyfriend visit. Her boyfriend is of African decent. Your friend leaves and next time you meet you ask why he left. "I dont like to associate with Sudanese people". Immediately that is a red flag to my values and I would straight away inform him our friendship is over. That is breaching my values fully. However, as humans there are less controversial judgements that are flexible. Eg politics. You can tolerate the differences. The time when I cant do so is when they constantly ignore the warning given to not talk about it or promote their party and why I should change my political choice. Similar to enforcing ones religion. So it isnt often the topic but how someone dominates the topic as they dont accept your freedoms. Flexibility needs both sides. Whether you are in a marriage whereby your partner is trespassing beyond core values or family members, you have the right to - draw the line. For my well being I cease the relationship and move on. Saving a toxic relationship isnt logical How do you cope? TonyWK

white knight They just wont understand, why?
  • replies: 153

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont” “Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many cases, be replaced wi... View more

We hear those words often. The trouble is, there is a word in that sentence that doesn’t fit, it shouldn’t be there. It’s the word “wont” “Wont” means they have a choice to understand your emotional struggles. It should, in many cases, be replaced with “don’t” or "cant" For these people are the people we love and they love us. Would they, make the choice of not understanding? Understanding…what does that entail? Do we expect our partners, children, friends and parents to understand what its like to have our minds as if it’s in a cloud? Or throbbing like a migraine? Or whysome of us sleep for what seems endless hours? What about when our carer partner has been so long without love making and their frustration explodes and we chant “you just don’t understand”!!! I put it to you, that it is us also that doesn’t understand what its like to be a partner of a mentally ill person. In respect to this an article I wrote a long time ago now can be googled- “Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue” In that thread I mentioned that if you can walk to the toilet, answer the phone and get yourself something to eat during the day while your partner is at work….you can also greet him/her as they walk in the door, have a cuppa and a chat asking how their day went before you slip back into bed if you must. Some cant, understandably. But some wont! A choice (note the word “wont”) is made. In these cases they are hurting the ones they love. I’m lucky, my wife has depression, it comes and goes. We never say “you wont understand”. We both do understand. However my last partner and before her, my first wife, never understood my struggles. Those days I believed that they chose to not understand. I was wrong. They had little hope of understanding. Why? Simply because the other person doesn’t “feel” the effects of the illness. And there might also be the blaming effect to, to blame others through our own expectations of what we are pleading for. Whatever sooths you and comforts you from your partner – tell them what that is. Think about your needs whether is a daily hug, a hand on the shoulder or an ear with the occasional comment or question. For your partner or loved one likely has no concept of what they can do to help. And that in itself can be agonising. We should never get the feeling or not being loved mixed up with a lack of ability to help us. It’s not that they wont understand-its more likely they cant understand so they don’t. Tony WK

Anamaree My mother is dismissive and insensitive to me and my daughter vs siblings
  • replies: 3

My mother is in her 80's. I'm her youngest daughter, just turned 49 with a single child of my own. I have an older brother and sister, both 10 years older than me and always close to each other. Our father died young. He was close to me and I cared f... View more

My mother is in her 80's. I'm her youngest daughter, just turned 49 with a single child of my own. I have an older brother and sister, both 10 years older than me and always close to each other. Our father died young. He was close to me and I cared for him when he was terminally ill. My mother has always been a bit closer to my siblings. However , after dads death I lived and cared for my mum for years as she was lonely, with poor English, and doesn't drive. We were good. I had a failed marriage in 2014. Years later I moved out to try a new life with my daughter and new relationship. Trying to find my own personal happiness. That's when my older sister stepped in. She lives hour away from me and my mum ( I rent 7 doors from my mum to help her if needed )but spends hours over the phone each day with her. My sister doesn't work and her husband has ensured their wealth. I work every day as a single mum for my daughter . I rent. My sister has manipulated my mum to the extent she has changed the locks so I can't enter the house. My siblings can. My mum most recently ignores me, speaks rudely to me over the phone. Is dismissive of my health and that of my daughter. Her granddaughter. She has family get togethers in secret away from me and my daughter . We dont get invited brcause my sister resents me. We live close by so we can see when they are over. I was in hospital recently and she didn't even call to ask about me. But told my partner that my sister had a bad cold and that she was worried for her. When I was in hospital I needed my daughter to stay over a night in my absence so she wasn't alone in our rental property. She's 13. As I was very ill and I left the house in an ambulance. So my daughter was upset seeing me being taken away like that. When I phoned my mum from my hospital bed at 9pm to ask if my daughter could stay one night until I possibly would be discharged next day, she said no. Her excuse, that no one but my sister sleeps in the spare bed. That they don't want to be washing the sheets if my daughter was there. I was so sad. And even more worried for my daughter. I can't forgive my mum for her abuse of my feelings and my daughters . My older brother who's,always been good eith me is siding wirh my sister. They had mum change her will and are powers of attorney. They can't wait to put her in a nursing home. I spent 4 years caring for my father, then 7 woth my mum. Whilst they lived their lives, travelled brought up their kids. Now that I need some support they have turned their backs. My daughter is very hurt by this. I just try to soldier on but its really hurtful. Any advice?

Fridays Missing my daughter
  • replies: 3

I feel guilty leaving my daughter back home. I miss her. But I need to come here in Australia to work. I keep blaming myself and feel sorry that I wasn’t be there for her everyday

I feel guilty leaving my daughter back home. I miss her. But I need to come here in Australia to work. I keep blaming myself and feel sorry that I wasn’t be there for her everyday

Claremary My Defensive behaviour
  • replies: 7

Hey all, I have been on a self growth journey for the past few years. I have changed in many ways which is good. Recently, I have become more aware of it how defensive I become, and how it can affect other people and my partner. I get defensive + oth... View more

Hey all, I have been on a self growth journey for the past few years. I have changed in many ways which is good. Recently, I have become more aware of it how defensive I become, and how it can affect other people and my partner. I get defensive + other emotions when other people are upset with me, when i think other people MIGHT be upset with me, or if I am being corrected, disciplined at work. Recently my partner is quite stressed, and he doesnt share with me why which is fair. I was concerned that he felt he couldnt, so got defensive about it and all it did was cause him more stress, and my stubborness made it really difficult for me to have compassion which is just not right, bevause I was too scared of all the reasons why he didnt share with me, and it was me being quite selfish / self-centred. The emotions cloud my rational thought processes, and then I loose the information that I require to rationally process my behaviour and the issue at hand. How would I go about working through this? I want to be able to be there for my partner without all these emotions coming in. I want to be able to take on criticism and use it as a tool.

Gj1 Ex Jehovah’s Witness ?
  • replies: 81

Hey guys my first post here To start off with I want to say that I was born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and left the faith when I was able to move and support myself. Leaving and coming out to normal society has been pretty tough tho. I just fe... View more

Hey guys my first post here To start off with I want to say that I was born and raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and left the faith when I was able to move and support myself. Leaving and coming out to normal society has been pretty tough tho. I just feel like there’s a really distinctive loneliness of being an ex Witness that a lot of people won’t ever understand. I’m wondering if there are any ex Jehovah’s Witnesses on these forums that have been able to sort of overcome those feelings and find happiness outside the organization. Could really use some good stories that it does get better because at the moment it feels like I’m seeing the world from behind glass

Mum-of-three Confused and lonely
  • replies: 3

Hi, this is my first post I'm in my 40s, in a 20+yr relationship and have 3 great kids with my partner. Over the last two years things between me and him have been tough, really tough. Between multiple personal illnesses and an injury. A close family... View more

Hi, this is my first post I'm in my 40s, in a 20+yr relationship and have 3 great kids with my partner. Over the last two years things between me and him have been tough, really tough. Between multiple personal illnesses and an injury. A close family member attempting suicide (which resulted in multiple problems for us in the months after) and the death of a love one (within 12hrs of each other) Life has become overwhelming. Among these recent events, I am also a victim of sexual assault as a teenager and child. (My parents are not aware of these assults) With everything that has gone on in my life and the fear I have developed for my children's safety, most days its a struggle. Over the last year or so things between my partner and I have been every strained. He thought that I was cheating on him (I wasn't) he works nights, I work a few days a week. This accusation put us both under stress. As we have been together from a young age, everything I've done has always been with his guidance (and in many ways approval) I'm a person who likes to make people happy, not cause waves. In many ways he has been controlling my life, he denies this. He's never violent. However I have realised that I need to put myself first for once and this had not gone well. He has always been supportive of my past. Since the accusation of infidelity we have both found it hard to recover in the ways we need. I feel hurt (as does he) but I'm finding it very hard to be intimate. He has never been 1 for just cuddling and kissing just because. In his thinking sexual touching is how we should show affection. For me it isn't. Several times over the last year, either he has left or I have asked him to leave. However, every time, he calls me later and we talk. Then he come home. I'm weak. Over the last few months I've grown increasingly unhappy and really don't want to continue our relationship. I want him to move out and decide how to move forward with raising our kids separately. He won't leave. Says he loves me too much and doesn't want to loose the kids. So I feel stuck. I love him, I'm just not in love with him. Each time that he leaves, I'm more at peace with being on my own. I feel defeated and like things couldn't be much worse as a single parent. We rarely talk these days. He is not interested in talking about anything but us and trying to repair our relationship. But there is no small talk. Not about my day. How do I know if it's worth saving our relationship.

KyraMuse Thinking of ending 5+ year relationship
  • replies: 2

Hi, this is my 1st post. I am female and in my late 40's, as is my partner (male). We love each other and the relationship has been great, but I am feeling insecure about our future. One issue is marriage, which I have asked him about on and off (eve... View more

Hi, this is my 1st post. I am female and in my late 40's, as is my partner (male). We love each other and the relationship has been great, but I am feeling insecure about our future. One issue is marriage, which I have asked him about on and off (every 6 months) if we are heading in that direction, and he always answers yes, but seems to put delay tactics in place and never seems to be planning or doing anything towards making it happen. A few days ago there was an incident at his family's house where his father made a 'joke' comment about me not being welcome in their house (because I'm voting yes in the referendum and his parents voted no, fyi my partner is also voting yes with me). The next day I told my partner the comment was hurtful and offended me. My partner conveyed no empathy, told me I had misconstrued it, I was being sensitive and essentially wrong for being offended. I felt very deserted by my partner and I now feel that I can't trust him to understand my feelings. He has not been this unempathetic towards me in the past, I can understand it's his dad against his partner, and I wasn't expecting him to completely take my side, but I really wasn't expecting him to be that opposed to me. This trust issue on top of a general feeling that he doesn't want to commit to me is making me feel like I should break up with him. Any advice?

Loveanimals My 19 Year Old Son Blames Me For Everything
  • replies: 17

I recently posted about my son's issues with drugs. Yesterday I took him to our Doctor. The Doctor was very kind and helpful. He told my son that every single person he has treated for Schizophrenia in his 50 year career, had been drugs users. He tol... View more

I recently posted about my son's issues with drugs. Yesterday I took him to our Doctor. The Doctor was very kind and helpful. He told my son that every single person he has treated for Schizophrenia in his 50 year career, had been drugs users. He told my son to stay away from it and he prescribed a very low dose anti-anxiety medication to get him over the week (withdrawals). Today I picked my son up from work and he immediately attacked me. He has googled and claims he has schizophrenia? He said it is my fault because I am an 'alcoholic c..t". I am so done with him. Yes I do have a love for alcohol but I am not an alcoholic and he knows that. Anyway....how dare he call me that word!!! Besides the fact that the Dr never once thought he was schizophrenic? He is a total drama queen and his actions are destroying me. He has also said he 'doesn't believe the Dr' about the drugs.....???? The night before his Dr appointment he drank a 2 litre cask of wine and half a bottle of Baileys. This was all whilst I was asleep. This alcohol was hidden and he knows he is not permitted to drink it. But he did anyway and needless to say the next morning he vomited all over the toilet floor... ? Of course I had to clean it up? I do not know what to do with him anymore. I am starting to hate him. He is an emotional blackmailer and is never grateful for all of the money/sacrifices/things I do for him. Please help.