Disowned by my family

[Victor]

Hi All, 

New to the forum and just wanted some advice. 
My family have disowned me due to my ex wife still wanting to attended family events. 
I’ve been separated for almost 5 years coming from a 20yr marriage, and in the last 12mths I’ve found the girl that makes me so happy. 
We feel awkward and uncomfortable with my ex wife attending events and we have expressed our concerns to the family but they just will not accept our concerns or feelings. 
Losing my family to my ex wife has impacted my life and my current relationship with my partner and I really don’t know what else I should do. The fights and tension between my family has forced us to move away from my children and it’s been tough to accept the situation my ex wife has put me in. 
They don’t want to discuss the situation without making me feel like it’s normal for my ex wife to continue to be part of my family. 
I’ve never stopped my ex wife from seeing my family due to our 2 kids together but I’ve asked my ex wife to respect my current partner and allow her to build a strong relationship with my family. 
Am I wrong in wanting this?? 

Thank you. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

If you feel its wrong by your family to allow your ex to attend gatherings and its uncomfortable for you or your new partner then your feelings are valid. However your ex is the mother of your children and for her to have a strong relationship with your family is also acceptable as she has loved them for 20+ years, in fact for the kids sake its a good thing. Too many families are divided forever due to marriage splits, your family members have a right to continue of any relationship they choose to have as does your ex wife. Just because a marriage splits doesnt download automatically to everyone losing in-laws as well.

So, it is effecting you and/or your ex wife so although your feelings are valid so are everyone elses feelings to. We all have rights and people wanting a relationship with anyone is a right. So what is the best thing to do?

I would suggest that for the foreseeable future you both invite family members to your place for visits, bbq's and the like. That way you wont have your ex present. In a few years their relationship with your ex might fade to the point where its unlikely she will be at functions, if so you can return to them but she might also turn up so prepare to be civil and polite.

I dont see the reason to move away from your children. We read in these pages people that have fights within family and they move interstate and that move causes more anguish than had they moved say, two suburbs away or in the country one town away. Very rarely do you bump into each other and even then a simple "hi" is all you need to say.

I know my answer hasnt been what you wanted but your ex has known your family for 20+ years and there could be shared love there. It's hard to expect them to sever those they treat as "family". Of course the ideal for everyone would be to accept it and attend family gatherings and be civil. In my experience though, some can and some cant, it depends on many factors, personality, past history, trust and so forth. 

Footnote- my ex wife's family I severed all contact with. I loathed them so that was easy. Then I had a partner for 10 years and her best friend was her ex husband and he was invited to all of our functions. Talk about a contrast. I learned that we are all individuals and people make their own decisions, we shouldnt have to have someones expectations in determining whether we continue a relationship with any other person or not. We are free to choose otherwise resentment grows and the family is further fractured.

I hope it settles down for you.

TonyWK