Found my boyfriend has been on Tinder talking to other women

[beyond_confused]

Around June last year, I discovered that my boyfriend of three years had been using Tinder to talk to other women. The women involved sent me screenshots of their conversations, which shattered my heart and trust.

When I confronted him, I pretended I'd had a dream about him talking to other women to gauge his response. He denied it and called me crazy, but when I told him about the screenshots, he admitted it was true. He claimed he was unhappy with our relationship and promised it would never happen again. Despite this, We attempted to move past it and improve our communication.

A weekend later, while staying at an Airbnb with a friend, I returned home to find empty sex toy boxes and a torn receipt in the recycling bin from the weekend I was away. I messaged him a photo, and he claimed he bought them for personal use and discarded them. I didn't believe him, but I stayed with him because I love him and have no family nearby for support.

A month later, I breached his privacy and checked his phone, discovering he had used Tinder multiple times, even during a holiday where he met my family. He insisted these were 'Tinder ads' he accidentally clicked, but each entry showed he was logged in using Facebook.

Several months later, while he was out clubbing, his friend ended up in the hospital. I went to find him and discovered him having pizza with another woman. I introduced myself as his girlfriend, and she seemed confused. He returned home before me and tried to downplay the situation.

Confiding in a supportive friend led to my other friends being informed. At the last event, they confronted him and told him never to do this again, to which he replied: I can never promise this. Because of this he is now excluded from all events.

He allows me to see my friends but argues when he's not invited, claiming they don't care about me. This puts me in very awkward position.

Since June 2023, my emotional state has fluctuated between confusion, sadness, and anger. I've sought therapy, initially with couples therapy that ended poorly, so now I attend individual therapy. Despite his assurances of wanting to marry me, there's no indication he'll propose.

After a recent argument, he accused me of being irrational and wanting to torture him by bringing up past issues. He claimed my mood swings were affecting him and questioned why I couldn't move past this.

Can trust ever be rebuilt after such betrayal? Is it possible to restore it at this point?

[indigo22]

Hi beyond_confused,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

This a difficult one to answer because many of the things you have mentioned (denying, downplaying, telling you that you are the problem, etc) are typical gaslighting behaviours of a narcissist. They are master game players so I truly hope you are not in a relationship with one. I highly suggest looking up gaslighting on the internet and see how many behaviours you recognise.

He also gave you the reason for connecting with other women was that he was unhappy in your relationship. Is there any reason to believe that has changed?

I am sorry to say this, because I know you say you love him, but I think the love is quite one sided and it sounds to me like he is keeping his options open.

What is your gut telling you? The head can try to make sense of any situation but the gut will let you know if there is something very wrong. To further explain what I mean here - have you ever met someone for the first time and felt really uncomfortable around them. Going the other way - have you ever met someone you felt an instant connection to, like you have known them forever. This is a gut reaction and it is rarely wrong.

Relationships are not supposed to be this confusing, they can require effort and honest communication from both parties, but they shouldn't make your head spin.

I hope this is of some help and please feel free to continue the conversation if you are comfortable doing so.

Take care,

indigo

[beyond_confused]

Hi Indigo,

Thank you for replying to my post. I really appreciate you're insight and kindness. I've looked up Gaslighting and that seems to be exactly what he is doing.

He only takes accountability for the one Tinder use but not all the others even when the evidence is right in front of him.

We had an argument yesterday where he said that if my friends don't start inviting him back to events then he will have to stop me from seeing them completely. Its an ultimatum and a threat and I don't do well with either of those things. He makes me feel like this is all my fault, firstly him feeling unhappy in the relationship whilst I thought we were doing really well and secondly my friends who have stood up to him. He constantly tells me that if friends don't support their friends partners then they aren't true friends and I shouldn't hang out with them as they obviously don't care about me, which I know deep down isn't true. 

He also said that he wants me to fight for the relationship and that standing up to my friends and telling them to invite him back will show him this but then he flips and says but I wouldn't ever want to hang out with these people but flips again and tells me that if I made plans then he would go. It's honestly so confusing as the argument just goes in circles.

He also often calls me crazy. Crazy in the way I think and crazy for not being able to get over it and move on and crazy for believing my friends words over his.

It's getting far too draining and it's affecting my everyday. I think about all of this from morning till night. I feel like I am going crazy!

[indigo22]

Hi beyond-confused,

I know you are still confused about everything and I'm sorry you are going through this.

The fact that he has now said he will have to stop you from seeing your friends completely is the beginning of the complete control of you. It will only get worse, he will try to turn you against everyone you know (including family), make you doubt yourself, take away your self esteem, take advantage of you financially etc.

I have had experience with narcissism, my husband (many years ago) tried giving me an ultimatum and it backfired on him. I left the marriage even though it hurt me to do so. That is not to say that he was a complete narcissist, but he certainly had some of the tendencies.

The reason I left the marriage was that I have dealt with a narcissistic sister all my life and I recognised the signs. She never took responsibility for anything, everything was always someone else's fault. Never backed down from an argument, denied saying things that I know she said, caused chaos constantly, undermined me at every opportunity, the list goes on. I no longer have anything to do with her despite the fact that she is the only member of my family that is still alive. Her energy is toxic to me and the sad truth is, I am better off without her in my life.

I hope you can come to some resolution before things get any more confusing, and again, I am sorry you are going through this.

I will be here to support you further if needed.

Take care of you first,

indigo