Sibling family estrangement.

[Miss Odette]

 I became a victim of a most serious crime. It was a life changing event.  No fault of my own. Not my husband. It happened in my private life. I was the 3rd victim. As a result I  became ill with major reactive depression cptsd. Anxiety. My husband told police "he was not returning to see what was left of his wife". He also told police "shoot her she won't be able to live with what happened".  He was defence service. I have 3 older brothers, all professional people.

1 said "fluff off I'm busy." Another said  " I'm sorry what happened to you but you are no longer family dont come to my home near my family I'll call the police." My eldest said "im not comming back you choose to live like this and look what you are doing to mum and dad". Well that was 35yrs ago. Mum and dad were aged and wonderful as my uncles. And aunt. Sadly now all deceased. I returned to my career. After loosing everything and was transferred to public housing. It is family shame but mum and dad said anything can be a home. They helped with cleaning gardening and maintenance. I am so grateful to have a home. 2 of  my brothers wives are deceased and they didn't tell me. I sent flowers to funerals. Christmas cards over the years. No response. I have retired due to physical health, rare untreatable cancer. I am alone and hide from society where I can. I am getting my personal affairs in order and my brothers adult children are looked after from my estate.

I will have no funeral. I have 2 good cousins and a best friend.

My home is small lovely and peaceful. I still hurt when the dark days are looming. I feel I am nothing. Then dark thoughts. It is my responsibility not to act on them. There is no help out there. Beyond blue has a good ice app and articles.

My own family . I am so below them because I live in housing.

I have a mental illness. I do on occasion interect with 1 brother, he can be rude and his 3rd wife is nasty. He allows this and is very cruel, thinking he is funny. He never asks how I am.

We only make contact  family business. We all grew up together 

Weddings 21st births family Christmas. Family holidays.

Has anyone else been treated like this?  Over 35 years. Honesy if it wasn't for my 2 sheepdogs I  won't be here. But it is a beautiful world.

I am now 62. No support but a  oncologist and good GP. When I was in danger the police were inappropriate and medical staff were non sympathetic. I remember their comments and treatment.

Thankyou for listening. Please know " I tried to make it right". I feel an outcast and unworthy. It is my secret. Especially from work.

I am a retired general nurse of 43yrs. Nurses are never to break.

But we do. I can only talk of this because I am retired.

Blessings to each and every one of you. Again thankyou for listening. J.

[Rosie]

Dear Aurora Australis

I'm so glad you reached out to the BB community. I posted my first post a couple of days ago and received such a lovely warm response from Grandy whose empathy and love made me feel warm all over.  You sound like you need to be embraced in a lovely warm snuggly hug.

We are becoming a very unsympathetic world and many people adopt the "out of sight, out of mind" attitude which has isolated so many people who need support and just a bit of old fashion TLC.  Forgive me if I have misunderstood, but I took from your post that you may have had a drug addiction.  That must have turned your world up-side-down. If that wasn't enough to cope with you were the victim of a terrible crime and to top it all off, untreatable cancer.  BLIMEY!  You said you are a retired nurse so you are obviously a beautiful caring woman who deserves lots of love and support.  Grandy, who responded to my post, mention to me to talk to my GP about getting a care support worker in once a week just to have contact with someone.  As you have cancer hopefully they will make you a priority.  You're probably like me and don't think you're worth it but next time you're talking to your GP it can't hurt to ask.  

I'm 63 and have never been married but you obviously have not been supported by your husband or by your brothers and clearly you should have been.  How unbelievably cruel that was!  What your husband said was truely awful.  As for the lack of empathy from medical staff and inappropriate behaviour from the police that was appalling. You were obviously very vulnerable and should have been looked after.  Sadly you are not alone there, I've heard too many horror stories. No wonder you are suffering from major reactive depression, CPTSD and anxiety and probably alot more. I'm thrilled you found a lovely little home for yourself and your beautiful doggies. I bet they keep you warm during winter. Animals are such a comfort and they never judge you.

Remember Aurora Australis we have all done things we regret, big and small, and sometimes we are hardest on ourselves.  I blame myself for everything and that unrelenting nasty inner voice never leaves off.  Someone bumped into me the other day and I instinctively apologised.  My family don't contact me, in fact, I haven't seen or heard from them in over 35 years. I guess it's mostly my fault for isolating myself as I feel a burden on everyone.  I've been told this is a very common reaction from people with mental health problems.  I'm not sure what you can do about your brother's rude comments and I bet if you told him that it's hurtful when he talks to you like that, he'd just say "you take everything the wrong way" etc. Hang in there.

It sounds like you have been suffering for a very long time without much support but WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU!!!   ❤️ 

Love

Rosie xxxx

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Aurora Australis,

A very caring and warm welcome to the forums,

Aurora, I’m deeply sorry to hear about your diagnosis with a rare form of cancer…and a victim to a most serious crime…. truthfully my heart is breaking for you…..and would love to give you a very gentle caring hug….

Its really sad how family values have changed over the past few decades….Family always stayed together in touch with each other regardless of where they took up residency…In todays society unfortunately many families seem to pick n choose who they want to stay in touch with, they make their own little worlds and if we don’t fit in or can’t offer them anything, then they no longer need us in their lives….my 2 sons don’t see each other at all…but if one was in trouble…I know deep down their brother and family will be  their for them….I wish it was different though and they shared their lives with each other….If cousins walked passed each other…they wouldn’t even know it…..I’m sorry sweetheart that doesn’t happen for you…

Awe, your not an outcast beautiful lady…I know you might feel that way, they are missing out on your beautiful heart and the care you have for them….I hope one day soon they realise that….I feel honoured to have met you and would love to get to know you better…no pressure, only share what you feel to share..

I live in a very small house ex government, built in the 60s…for Dam construction workers back in the 60s…its old, total turn around from my house in the suburbs, which my late husband decided to sell over 12 years ago…and move to the country, I love my house, I made it my own by adding my own pieces of character to it…my children live in really nice homes, not sure what they think of my home….but I don’t really care because it’s my little palace and I love it….Please dear sweet Aurora don’t let anyone ever make you feel that living in public housing is wrong…. a house is a house, until you make it your home…whether it be a mansion, a duplex, an old home or government housing…It’s our little bit of space in this huge universe to enjoy, find peace and live our best life….

I hold nurses in high regard, the work they/you do is a great service to those that are unfortunate enough to need their/your care…43 years in one profession is a huge achievement, thank you so much for dedicating so many years to helping others….🤗🌹❤️..

Please Aurora, anytime you feel up to it, talk here, we are all here for you…

My kindest thoughts with care,

Grandy..

[Rosie]

Hi again

I'm so glad Ggrand responded to you as she also responded to me.  I thought noone was going to respond to my post thus reinforcing how unworthy I am.

I referred to her as Grandy (apologies for that) but of course I meant Ggrand.  You are such an angel Ggrand and I know Aurora Australis will feel the love that you radiate.  Love to both of you.

Rosie xx

[Miss Odette]

Hi Rosie, thankyou for your reply. Never a dull day here. We have had a few updates. I was Arora . The update is Miss Odette. Just call me Odette. I love these unusual old fashioned names. I mean I could have called myself lipstick lizard. But Odette has more mystery. My bestie is lipstick lizard and she is an old modern gal.

We  have been best friends for 30 years and live 10 mins apart. Everyone needs a good friend. Anyway I degres To answer your question. And I'm not offended. I have never had a drug addiction. Haven't had the time or interest really. Being a nurse with 2 certs registered with AHPRA I don't think they would have liked the idea much. Boom goes the career. Sorry if my notes came across that way. I was vunerable because my husband left me everything except the business. I was a high achiever on duty and off duty sucide. As you do do....errr no. after a rough 3 days back on duty and I'd see the cops at work whom had attended my home in emergency. We were friends back then. It was like I had 2 lives. So like you I isolated myself from family. Oh yes its easy. See the cars at mum and dads just drive past. Lock the front gates turn off the phone hide the unopened mail. Pretend all was good. Burn out got me. I worked every hr that God sent. The home was immaculate work thought the sun shone out of me then. I hit rock bottom. My parents were in shock and stood by me. My olds could really keep a secret. They were loyal. Then a predator came calling. Well he has gone to God now. Can't hurt anyone else.... another story. 

Rosie I still hide today.  My best friend handles business. I can't tolerate confrontation. Especial centerlink and Telstra or Housing. If I get upset with their high pitched wining repeating condescending voice I simply walk out. Throw the baby out with the bathwater. Then those monkeys are chattering. Then sucidal ideation. It's my responsibility to reign it in. Takes a lot out of me.

I'm 62. I'm ashamed of my illness. It's a stigma. Remember when we were kids what they used to do to women whom had a breakdown. 1960s. Makes my bones shiver. I have learned how to cope for want of a better word during a crisis. I have tools of CBT relaxation, mindfulness. And those mind monkeys. Gosh do they dance merry hell with the self talk. " you are nothing, you should apologise for your mere existence " Rosie we don't need to apologise. Life goes on years pass.. it was lovely u saw your old friend. Remember the happier times. Pets get us through. They know in there way. As I'm writing to u my Old english sheepdogs are asleep on my feet. I get scared I can feel anxiety comming on. The diagnosis of WM really shook my foundations. My brothers dont display they care. It has to be their problem I can't run after them for recognition like a puppy any more.

Rosie thankyou for your reply it's lovely to make contact. Let's keep intouch. Remember please you are a respected and valued person KR ODETTE.🫂🌺

[Rosie]

Hi Odette

Love the name change it suits you.

Thanks for getting back and I'm glad you didn't have to add drug addiction to the list.  I get a bit muddled sometimes, not sure if it's the medication or I'm getting some form of dementia.  

It warms my heart to hear you have a good friend only 10 mins away, I wish I did but not quiet ready for that sort of friendship - mistrust issues due to bullying. Also, as I rarely go out so I haven't much to talk about.  One thing I wish I could change to make my life easier, is for the neighbourhood bullies to stop bullying me.  I live in fear of them and wish I never had to go outside my house but one needs to buy food.  They call me "the hiding lady" and "Lady GaGa". 

Does WM stand for Waldenstrom macroglobulinemia syndrome? If it does, I'm so sorry, the symptoms plus having CPTSD must be unbearable.  I totally understand that your life has been turned up-side-down and you have high levels of anxiety.  You have spent most of your life as a nurse caring for everyone else and then you develop WM.   Life can be bloody unfair!!!  We girls never want to be a burden on others.

Yes it is a stigma to have mental health problems but what annoys me the most is when "normal" people think you're looking for attention or tell you to get over yourself.  I don't think we can cure our mental health problems instead we have to manage it including those rotten inner voices.

I hope that Centrelink are giving you some sort of help because of your WM.  I've heard horror stories about that place.  I had to deal with them back in the 90's but luckily found a job in administration, very repetitive work which suited me.

I have just been answering a young student's post.  They have been diagnosed with depression and the poor little thing said that they were really down at the moment.

Try and relax today as you sound like you are a bit down yourself.

Love to you and the doggies.

Rosie x

PS. Have you checked out the "PTSD and Trauma" section of BB forum?  I bet you could really help others.

[Miss Odette]

Evening it's currently 4°c here tonight.

I thank both Rosie and Ggrandy for their support and kindness. When I reached out for a understanding ear and commonsence approach you were both there ......and still are🦋

UPDATE

as I mentioned in my origional post my 3 brothers were  less than supportive when I became ill  in 1995. When our beautiful mum passed in 2005, dad passed 2002. They were not very considerate. Don't mis understand we are the perfect family when in public it's behind closed doors we air our attitude. And in 2005 I certainly calved my eldest brother a new one....in writing....perhaps should have remembered the golden rule never leave evidence don't write it down.

Here we are in 2024. My eldest brother suddenly lost his wife. , my second brother lost his wife 4 years ago. Getting careless loosing these wives.( light humour). Infact in the past 19 to 21 years we have a few family members absent mentioned in dispatches. We also have a few  births. My brothers being as they are don't communicate and I have not been told. The death of my sister inlaw  came to my attention via newspaper hatch match dispatch. Birth marriages deaths

I sent a large soft floral wreath to the service. I didn't wish to attend as I didn't want to cause any further distress to the family and myself.

This was last week. Yesterday the 19th anniversary of our mums passing.well my mind was in go mode. " this school yard cruelty will be stopping now, and I'm going to dig that boy out of his burrow if it's the last thing I do. . I got in the car drove off the mountain and visited my eldest brother. My goal was to bring comfort and compassion from his mum. I am not mum but I look like her and I was honestly saddened to learn my sister in law had passed.

I also took an origionl family photo for him to keep. On the sneaky sister side I knew he would be vunerable. Well he stood in the middle of the back lawn and looked at me, he couldn't escape he was alone and committed. He said its cold spose you would like a cup of tea. My response was yes please but first I'd like  hug from my big brother. His response was, I don't know about that and he stepped forward and tensely hugged me. I whispered , I was so sad to hear that your "  wife's name " had passed.

We talked quietly , no sorry,  we avoided some subjects .kept it light. At the end as I walked out the door. I gave him my residence address said its not scary , u are most welcome to visit.

I was shaking on the way to his home. I felt nauseous and said a little prayer to God and mum for strength. I also was in business mode and no nonsense. With a script in my head. Half expecting him to point a shotgun out the window and yell get out. Relax we don't have one. He has a lot to think about. He looked like a guilty schoolboy at times and I realise now he just doesn't have what it takes.

The ball is in his court. I promised I would copy some gear for him. And email.

There was " backwash" with the Cptsd. I spent today in the garden with my girls. I feel I have done the right thing. 

I certainly felt my strength.

Thankyou your support really helped.

We will chat soon.

Rosie.....you are a valuable person tell those mind monkey's self talk to be quite. 

Kindest, Odette.. formly Aurora.🌺🫂🌷

[Miss Odette]

HI Rosie,

I have just written an update to you on my situation of family estrangement. 

I am waiting for it to be reviewed and then I hope to forward to Ggrandy. She is a gem. I have just seen this post and wish to answer a few questions.

It's good we are all in touch thankyou.

I have also written a post on PTSD and the submitting of article to the Royal.Commission domestic violence against woman. It opened today. Ggrandy replied and gave me some tips.

Now, here we go. 🌺🦋

WM is non hodgekins lymphoma walderstroms macroublobulimaneamia. A rare l form of leukaemia. Non treatable non curable. It's a 🐌 slow mutation of red blood cells basically they stick together and upset the functioning of major organs it also comprises the lymphatic system. Can't fight off infection like septicemia.  From a medical point of view  it is interesting.

Now the good news is mine was detected through a bone marrow biopsy and it is in the very early stages. Infact it is currently indolent. I have had a couple of iron infusions and feeling ok. It's going to be a problem in about 3 yrs time. Life span with WM 8 yrs. Maybe more as I am very stubborn. It was the shock of the diagnosis. Reaction ...."get thee to undertaker immediately and check our the boxes.". Black humor. Instead I purchased a huge bunch of flowers and went to dinner with my best friend.

I also have chronic tietzes disease. Inflammation of ribs. It feels like broken ribs and comes in waves. I'll let you google that one. 😉 it is a physical response from the origional trauma in 1995. Hence the ptsd. I am willing to chat with anyone on how the body remembers trauma. I couldn't believe it until it happened in my dept.

Your memory is fine, I'm guessing meds. I write notes. I have a book and call it daily communication. Tick it off when the task is resolved. Want  giggle I have a note inside the petrol cap of my car saying have you put the cap on. And 1 by the console gears have you locked the front door.  I'm sure my service mechanic has a giggle when he sees them.

Centerlink, well there is a little neat of vipers. I often think they make it up as they go along. When I find a good one hang on to them. I record, make notes on every communication we have. Wait till you have one of their audits. My giddy aunt they are like rabid dogs. But the paperwork has put them back in their box. Don't expect a sorry. Best to keep calm. Never react to their regenerated letters. I have my advocate deal with government depts. 

I have a small Income but not for WM.

🌺I'm so sorry you are being bullied by your neighbours. Do you know there is a law against this sort of thing now.

A friend of mine her mum was bullied in a small town. Nasty church women and kids. She kept to herself with her family on the farm. Used to pop in the town to shop or phone to have the grocery delivered. Internet woolies and Coles do it now. I could say just ignore it as it's a behaviour from emotional inmature uneducated people. Easier said than done. I'm sure you have tried everything like headphones music or going further for your supplies. I have zero tolerance for bullies..try not let them upset you please. I can understand this incidents feeding the mind monkeys self talk. I'm glad you have your work. It gives one a feeling of self worth no matter how boring u find it. I couldn't do your job. I'd be no good at it. 

Hope the young person diagnosed with depression can learn tools to help. 

Time to rest now and thankyou.

Do you like 🎶 Spotify is great doesn't cost much.

I recommend audible can have it on while I do things around the house.

Again not expensive per month and u get to keep the book to listen again.

Oh beyond blue emailed me some great links on PTSD. Depression sucidal ideation. They are a good resource.

Bye for now Odette🕊

[Rosie]

Thanks Odette

You have such a great sense of humour, I totally get it. 😁  I've also gleaned from your posts that you are quite the plucky lady, in that, you have the courage to speak out.   I hope your letter to the Royal Commission brings you even more strength.  I'm not exactly sure what has happen to you Odette, but it was obviously bad enough to change your life forever.   I really applaud you for being proactive as having to relive it all the time would turn alot of women off but the only why change will happen is if brave women like you speak up.  I have never experience trauma at the hands of a man as I've remained a spinster all my life.  I use the word spinster deliberately as society has made fun of "old spinsters" for long enough and I'm reclaiming it.  

I hope things work out with your older brother you are braver than me.  I'm not sure my siblings would even recognise me.  However, although I do get lonely I think I'm best suited living on my own.  I'd love to get a dog but the neighbourhood bullies have them and I don't want to see them.  I just live in my own little world.

Like Grandy said, I hope you are not being triggered by all the violence against women that seems to be leading the news.  It can leave one feeling very disempowered.

Please take care of yourself and if you ever need to talk or rant I'm here for you.

Warmest regards

Rosie xx

PS. Is your display photo one of your dogs, it's adorable.  Such drops eyes.

[Miss Odette]

Hi Rosie, yes my display photo I'd my miss hey there georgie girl. old english sheepdog.

I find my pups give me a reason to be. In dark times. I too am cautious of neighbours and the pups. My girls are always supervised. I also find garden a good distraction and comfort. I don't know about being strong but I must say I  was physically shaking on the way to my eldest brothers..I am strong but it takes its toll afterwards. Physically especially if I am tired. I don't think my brothers really want a family relationship. I think they just want family items from me. I will be polite and I do care but I'm not chasing them for praise.  I am protective and cautious. 

Lovely to hear from you Rosie do take care

On another note I have discussed the Royal commission submission with my gp. We agree to take it steady.

Cheers Odette🌹