Dear good people of this forum, I'm going through a trial separation of
4 weeks that I didn't see coming. It's the biggest shock in my life and
I'm desperate for some advice. I have no illusion about the outcome, it
will be a form of permanent separa...
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Dear good people of this forum, I'm going through a trial separation of
4 weeks that I didn't see coming. It's the biggest shock in my life and
I'm desperate for some advice. I have no illusion about the outcome, it
will be a form of permanent separation but I'd like to know which one is
best for the kids. Please hear me out! A bit of context first. We both
don't work and lead a relatively frugal lifestyle. We decided to step
out of the workforce so we have more time for our kids' early childhood.
We are living in a small part of her parents house, to save on living
costs. She is the life architect of this family. She researches and
plans everything, she homeschools the kids and takes them to
homeschooling groups and plans holiday activities, etc.. I do all the
housework: shopping, cooking/baking, cleaning but I do also chauffeur
the kids to some of their activities, take them to doctors, put them to
bed, look after them when they wake up in the night, etc.. Kind of a
reverse role, as people have told me before, but I learned to live with
it. We defaulted over the years to this arrangement because it was a
clean separation of duties sparing us frequent decision making about who
does what. It wasn't enough though, we still found ways to argue, too
much recently. I've been using the couch for 2 weeks, the kids have no
clue about the separation. I feel drained and exhausted from the shock
of the separation and its consequences. I'm breaking every day imagining
how the kids will be affected. My youngest (6), who's been really
stressed by our constant 'squabbles' before the separation told me
several times she was worried about me 'unmarrying' her mum, something I
never thought would happen, and I had sincerely promised her as much.
Nothing destroys me more than the thought of the realization on her face
as I break my word and she sees me for a liar for the rest of her life.
My wife seems fine. Hearing her having a good time with the kids in the
next room while I'm just struggling to keep a face together is more than
I can take some days. I don't feel able to be myself around the kids
anymore either, they've started to notice my gloomier attitude and so I
started avoiding being too long near them and that's killing me too. My
mind goes over this question a thousand times per day: is it better to
leave and try to rebuild a life nearby? I have no job, I've been out of
the workforce for 4 years, I don't own a house or a car. I have some
savings but nothing that will last long in this expensive country. If I
restart from scratch, I'll probably only get the weekend to see my
girls, and they'll see me in my most exhausted state for half of it.
I'll get to see 2/7 of their childhood at best. The thought of it is
destroying me. Losing their mum felt like a torn limb, I can't imagine
what it's going to feel like to actually be cut off my kids for 5 days a
week. An absolute nightmare. On the other hand, if we work out a way of
cohabitating after separation, I'll get to see the kids, hear about
their day everyday, be there when they need comfort, when they wake up
in the night, I will still feel like part of their life. The problem
will be running into my wife frequently, sharing the same kitchen,
fridge, car (also belongs to her mum), it'll be a constant reminder of
rejection, of how I'm not enough and not worthwhile to her, of the
failed marriage, of the fact that I'm basically just a cheap live-in
house helper now. I also absolutely don't want to witness her bringing
in someone new and him cozying up to the kids, becoming their cool
step-dad. Another nightmare that might push me off a bridge. There is no
good choice for me here, so what's best for the kids? Please share your
wisdom. TLDNR: Wife and I are trial separating under the same roof. I'm
not living it well. It's going to be hard to see the kids if I leave and
rebuild my life, and hard to be happy if I stay for co-parenting. Which
is better for the kids long-term? Both depressing, for different
reasons, to me. Please advise.
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