Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[CMF]

You're not an idiot 😊. You're seeing positives & it's giving you some hope. Clearly there's still something there, it's figuring out if it can work that's difficult. 

Hope you can get to a point where you can.

[randomxx]

Ah thx for that cm.

But yeah , that's the thing , it's all still there in us both , even when she's flipping that isn't really her , you'd know all about that stuff with your own anxiety and whathaveyou but we could triple that with hers. Added to everything she's been through and this LD and circumstances.

Mind you , had of l bitten the bullet earlier and committed which was our plan from day one anyway later on, 3/4 of everything since wouldn't have even existed.

l mean l know why l didn't but many a time considering all that worked out anyway and that here she still is and we are, even after all of it, l was v wrong.

Sometimes we're trying to protect ourselves so much we end up subconsciously sabotage it all.

She said to me yesterday , how come you haven't long ago ran off with someone else. l said baby, l saw and felt us day one and the things we do have and of how important those things are to me. Someone else would have other things, but they wouldn't have our things , l like our things and she just said yeah, l know, l've felt the same. God knows she could've ran off easily enough herself now that her stuff's pretty well sorted men like her that is for sure she'd have no problem in that department. Buttt, here we both are.

l've had all that going through my head all yr, ldk. Maybe it's the stars or Gods that just keep on pushen. 

[randomxx]

Anyway. l'm gonna try to just go on with my business and plans for now, neither of us can go anywhere atm. Maybe she does end up coming to me wherever l am later on , l know she would- or maybe whatever else.

[randomxx]

Talks so easy isn't it.

l'm not gonna this l'm just doing that or ra ra ra , yeah , sure you are rx.

Well, the idea is to at least try to anyway but l must admit tbh l've been a bit concerned all wkend now.

lt's just that we've been up in the air so long now and now by last Christmas is looking like turning into yet another 12mths bloody hell life's too short to just drag something on like this right.

l have been very very aware of all that over the last few mths but the way l've been thinking is that we also have 5yrs invested in "us" and that we both still seem to be here and still trying deep down even with everything we've been through.

lt's a huge thing you know and many many times l've thought and noticed to in others still together since going through divorce myself, they could all find things wrong and excuses but one v big difference seems to be that they won't give up where as so often now so many others just do.

Gf and l kind of remind me of the won'ts,  bc that's such a huge thing in these days and times.

Though l suppose if we could've been together like most couples all this time then things would've just sorted naturally one way or other themselves . This LD thing has certainly strung things out that is for sure your not even together physically to work it out it's always next time now.

[randomxx]

Well, that was short lived.

We talked today, l called her, just about some stuff with the house that she knows all about to try and figure it out.

She was good all happy and talky but the stuff she says.

Last wk she's telling me she'll come to me where ever l'm at, today she tells me how much she'd hate a caravan.

She also joked l should find a women, 3rd time she's come out with that in 3 wks, next minte she's telling me she'll travel to me where ever l am.

lt's just mad, it's everywhere.

She's back to her old self but this is her old self you never could rely on much she'd say few days later it'd be opposite then back again or somewhere else.

l said are you serious l should find another women -= she said it joking a few wks back - but she says sure why not, your lonely you need a woman. WTH ?

l said and now you'd hate a caravan , it was 1st of all your idea and then only a wk ago you said you'd come to me where ever l am and it'd be fun.

Acts like she never even said it, no l couldn't stay in a caravan l'd hate it.

Not only but last yr she wants us to go traveling in one.

Meanwhile she's been all lovey dovie and talking in the way we do when we're together- for wks , admits she was imattured , other things too, gets all emotion when we've gotta get off the ph, then next minute comes out with this stuff.

lt's bloody maddening .

Back to thinking to hell with this shyt l can't deal with this. Stop communicating and go back to getting my life back on track.

l did, l was resigned, didn't talk to her for wks and thinking this is done. She started us talking again.

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Sounds a little unfair on you tbh. Telling you to find another woman us hurtful too. It's careless. It's like when M told me I must be driving the guys mad while in bed with me. Itbus just careless & hurtful. To me it shows someone doesn't care.

You've put your life on hold for a long time rx. If she didn't contact you would you find it easier to move on? It seems whenever you decide you're ready to let go she contacts you & you're back to square one.

What do you think?

[randomxx]

Yep your spot on cm. lt all is except l fight it off and refuse to take it seriously bc l know what she's like. Sad when you have to guard yourself isn't it, that is no way to be in any real relationship.

Twice already this yr l'd resigned excepted and was ready to move on and twice she starts all this again- the nice stuff but then the silly stuff to.

l said to her you still love me that's obvious so wth are you still talking all this bullshyt .

l'm not even sure she actually even realizes how much rubbish she talks or what she said 2 days before , 2 wks or whenever wth.

She says yes l know l still love you but we can't be together now l'm too sick.

l said so wth are you all lovey dovey again calling me up again tellin me you'll come to wherever l am.

l didn't even read the reply this was messaging, got so pissed l deleted it all. Anyway when l cooled down l went back and just said goodnight and that is going to be that.

Wouldn't even matter what the reply was it wouldn't mean a damn thing anyway.

[CMF]

I know she has some great qualities, so did M. I know 5 years was a long time, just like M. I know she is familiar, just like M. Buy she is not ready or emotionally available, just like M. It feels & sounds like she may be trying to keep you around just in case, like M. I know for you the thought of starting over with someone else is too much,  just like me. 

So my question is, could you be holding onto a small glimmer of hope that something will change & she'll be the person you want her to be, like I did with M?

[randomxx]

Yep. lt's madness but also just ironic to though that here's you and me , and here is she , ironically in ways doing the same rubbish m did.

Honestly, just got a new phone 2wks back but when l deleted the messages, it still took 3 or 4mins to delete them all- l thought the new phone was playing up, but so that's how much we've talked on the new ph in just a few wks. The old phone would prob take 10mins to delete our stuff,

And that's been even more her than me, calls too. WHY ? what's the damn point, and all this talk , she was even talking how much she loved me just a few days back. There was some honesty and admitting in her stuff, reflecting, it was big stuff for her, a real corner = why ?  what was the damn point.

This has been going on yrs.

l've often thought it's just part of her MH and anxiety messing with her so l take it grain of salt, try to, especially in person bc of the way she is and the partner that she is, half the time she doesn't even know what she said day before or last wk though anyway, or the contrast, but it's still always there.

Yet in ways, ironically it's the same sort of thing m was doing, they could not be more different, yet there was this stuff, almost the same, just wth. ?

But yeah your right l mean l've kept myself at bay with it all and us all this yr but this last few wks and this corner she'd turned- seemingly, and off those meds and back to her old self, she's even sleeping again, l started to have hope again- and we were still there, the ways she was talking and here she is saying she'll come to me where ever l am - just wth , yaknow.

But it's no better than m's rubbish and treating you the way he was when he's with you , it's no better, it's just same damn bs really.

[randomxx]

l tried to hold of any temper last night after a call yesterday and the contradictions of her last few wks. l got of the phone politely but started boiling over at work later thinking about it all. But by last night l'd had enough there was no doubt about it the pattern was still there even after all this yr so l messaged last night and told it called it exactly how it bloody was.

l didn't want it to turn into some ugly fight bc she's lose it and just turn but l was also sick to death of the total rubbish and called it all out exactly as it was but calmly and just over it. She sent back 3miles of text l had to turn the buzzer off but no way l was even bothering with more hogwash. later on l calmed down, sent back a good night and zapped the lot.

l didn't want it to end in ugly.

She'll probably send more today or over the next wk l could see her jaw dropped but honestly, it's even be worth reading it'll still just add up to the same load of madness that l'm 100% convinced now is never going to change.