Relationship break up , 5 yrs , 59 , feels hopeless.

[randomxx]

Hi to anyone that might drop in , it's rx here l just had to rejoin.

A few might remember my ongoing thread about gf and her situation, us and the rest. Sadly though, we've broken up after all that.

l'm 59 now, just feels hopeless. lt's not that l don't get interest it's just the thought of starting over sometime later on down the track now, again, meeting that right person, it's about that person, not any interest or 2 dozen others, it's that one that feels so hopeless and if even ever at all will probably be yrs away from now, and l'll feel like it even less.

Ya just can't help thinking about it even though it's of course not the time right now for sure, know that.

As in my other thread, we were up and down , she had huge problems when we met, visas' and court cases and mh and health, she was all over the place. That's why l held back with her and us, 5 yrs but l still supported her with all l had right through it all though. All that had finally finished 3yrs in but she was still all over the place, l felt l could never trust it or her true self.

Together she was loving and supportive and affectionate and just a real partner tbh . But we were still long distance again due to her situation and so whenever she was home again or l wasn't up at hers, she'd just change again.

She'd be all negative and her health would go to shit again, talking bad stuff about us, saying she was too sick now to have a relationship, must've went through all that 20 times with her in 5yrs.

Truth was together, she was not only just beautiful mostly , but also fitter than any girl her age l ever knew soon as she was back up home alone though it'd all just start again.

There's no talking or reasoning, even though she use to preach positivity herself, the negativity just pours out all over again, even if we'd just had a beautiful 3 or 4wks together.

Dealing with that 5yrs plus all her earlier dramas , l just couldn't trust anything to do with us, but l hoped in time or once we were together full time, that'd all just go as it was when we were together. But then l'd think how would l know that was real just bc we were together properly at last, if she was going home again she'd just blurt out all the same old stuff.

Anyway, it started again after our last visit, her health her stress , she can't be in a relationship, l've had enough.

ldk, l was divorced 10yrs ago, laid low 5yrs, but she was the only one l'd met that just fitted, but then there was the rest of it. l could see a life with her though if it all sorted out and so l persisted.

l knew it was a gamble though, damn it.

rx

[randomxx]

Not in a real nice place atm unfortunately.

GF left for Japan last wk buttttt, it could really be the end of the road this time.

l feel a bit weird even saying that one thing here bc it is very specific so l can only say that l'm glad this is buried here on the page now and that l have mixed up a few other specifics just in case too. l also remembered l told her once and someone else too that l'm in this forum and being depressed herself she may well be in it too these days although she's never mentioned it butttt,l do worry a bit someone will stumble over things here.

Anywayyyy. Yepppp, it does look like we're done this time.

She's be gone 3 wks and she had some serious exams in this last mth too prior so she was as stressed as l've ever seen her about those but she was also really depressed about having to leave for Japan too straight afterward. There was only a day between finally finishing , and jumping on the plane.

So her physical and mh were both and absolute mess and so l'd decided a mth ago at the start , l'd be there for her right through it all and too while she was in japan too.l even started thinking about going up to hers when she's back for Christmas . ldea was that all her stresses would be over for a mth or two then,it'd all be done. We could have a nice Christmas just the two of us and some time of together for awhile and just see where we're at at the same time.

Hate to put it like this but a one last go kind of thing, l was feeling positive again.

low and behold she was just about to leave for the airport and told me she thinks we should stay split and that we should finish it here.

lt sounded as if she'd been planning it, right through all my support this last mth.

We didn't alk about it from there, there wasn't time, and she was in no state to risk any arguments at a time like that, l didn't want her leaving like that so , we said our goodbyes and l left it at that.

But l already knew the reasons anyway and a lot of it was on me.We'd already been over it a few times long before and then there's been the 5yr thing and me not having committed too. Me also cutting her last stay at mine short and my last stay up at hers short too.

There were reasons and things going on for my d l was worried sick about, but l was also just having doubts about us too .

ldk fully understand why l;ve been so confused about us,l know some of it and it's valid and important stuff.

But on the other hand, l've thought for a long time now that l may have not been seeing what l needed to from her, bc she wasn't feeling and seeing what she needed from me in committent and a future .

That';s the biggest part of why l wanted to go up for Christmas when she's back.

We could relax have some fun and holidays and we could just talk about everything too and l could explain why l've been this and wasn;t that and bla bla.

lt's starting to feel as though this could really be it this time.

rx

[randomxx]

Been thinking about everything since she left of course, much, and especially this habit of hers with dropping out whenever she's a mess.

The Japan thing is soooo dicey, not only was she thoroughly mentally exhausted before she even left but she's also sick with stress about even going and being there and of how it will be .

Her sons marriage is in trouble, his w wouldn't come back to Aus'. the whole situation is a nightmare and there as well too, and she's scared as hell of how her being there also now will go but she just wants to see her new baby gd and son.  l've wondered if she'd still be this way lf l'd committed earlier , she's basically warned me 12mths now we aren't going past 5yrs but ldk. l mean l've been close and she knows it, but she's just been so up and down l've usually backed away again or l've had my own problems come along.

And then with this Japan trip too on top of her other stuff of this last few mths she's been sick with stress for mths, or am l just being a fool.

l honestly don't know whether to just try to walk away, leave it be now, start new and go ahead with my plans for next yr well, that was gonna be a 2ndry plan just in case, if we weren't going to be going on. Or go up when she gets back, and try to work things out.

ldk.

We weren't sure if we could text from Japan, or whatsapp, but at any rate although she normally would no matter what she'd said a wk or day before,l doubt she will from there now this time.

So, l've got a few wks right now alone to think about things until she's back, ldk , l suppose that might be a good thing well, hoping it might be anyway.

Been of work awhile now and probably until well into next yr now but my d is back from interstate and ex and l have been helping her get organized with all sorts of stuff, she's been doing so brilliantly and she's really finding her feet. So pleased and proud of her. But that and time now to just wander about , sleep in,few job around the place  or whatever else, is really helping .

rx

[CMF]

Hi rx,

Sorry I have missed all these posts.  I've just caught up. It's so confusing isn't it 😔. I can't quite move on too. We're seeing each other casually & it's been good.

Sounds like yiu have a bit to think about while she's away. I love the sound of your cabin too.. I agree, minimal is the way to go. Keep it simple. Glad to hear your d is doing better too.

Take care 

Cmf x

[randomxx]

Thx for that cm and no worries you haven't missed much just my rambles going in circles .

She comes home this wk, dk what to expect but l've just been trying to do my thing and get on with stuff really, feel my thoughts, heart.

But yeah, l've been wanting to minimal right down a long time now. The cabin is pretty cool too , think l'll just leave the tenant in though bc it's part of my income.

Funny though , l was showing a picture of it to a girl in a pub one night we were talking about all that stuff and l was a bit embarrassed tbh bc it really isn't that flash. But she says my God, what a little haven , loved it, so that was unexpected and a really nice surprise too.

rx

[CMF]

Merry Christmas my friend. 

CMF

[randomxx]

Thx for that cm and to you too.

All the best

rx

[randomxx]

Well we decided l'd come up after she got back so l've been up Syd at hers awhile now.

ldk, our goods are still all you could want but sadly it's still a mixed bag too but far more latey. Of this last yr or so she's been going off very easily more and more and over the stupidest or smallest things. l've hoped it was more just stressors but of late l'm afraid it's looking more like the just real her coming out more and more.

She's always worked up pretty easily but it's much more lately and there's other traits showing more and more too like a real arrogance black n white thing she's never wrong side. She's always had a bit of stuff but it's more and more like the honey moons over and she's just coming out so to speak lately.

lt's a real 50 50 shame bc our goods are still just so damn nice and she can be so damn gorgeous but like a switch the min' l disagree or somethings set her off or she's a bit of colour , out the window.

The thing is there's zero hope of even talking about it bc far as she's concerned it either just didn't happen or she was right and that's that.

Not looking good unfortunately bc l'm running out of patience and tolerance

rx

[CMF]

Hey rx,

Yeah I agree unfortunately.  Sounds like now all the crap is done with true colors showing. Maybe she wanted to get married to avoid the crap. I think you did the right thing not getting married. 

So here we are in the same situation again. Really good together for particular things but then confused when it comes to everything else. The thought of starting again with someone new is too much.

Kinf of sucks

[randomxx]

yEAH That's the word l was looking for, true colours sadly, that's exactly what l'm seeing.

l was an idiot ignoring them and going on all this time trying though. Hoping in time and when this and once that and bla bla bla. All that's been over with a long long time now but those things are more so than ever

l know there's no way of dealing with a one sided black and white never wrong never sorry person, forget reasoning , they can't. Why wasn't l just stronger day one and excepting, why didn't l walk then. l know people and when you see this stuff even if only in small glimpses at the start this is what you get 5yrs later.

Why didn't l listen to myself.

[randomxx]

Sure does suck cm and even worse l only have myself to blame.

and any starting over , holy hell, for sure, got nothing left after all this bs the thoughts just too much.

Here's one for ya.

There's one of those plastic hanging racks hanging in the bathroom against the hot water pipes. Said to her few days ago baby you'll have to put that somewhere else those pipes are hot and this plastic things smothering them it's gonna start a fire or melt something.

Well yesterday it's still there so l just took it of l'm always worrying about it, just put it on the washing machine until she thinks of a new spot. This morning it's back where it was, all nicely draped all over the hot pipes. What can ya do.