My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Mrs_AK]

Thank you so much for your kind reply , I feel amongst friends in this forum as the predicament we face is one we are all facing together .

I haven’t as yet spoken to a counsellor as I have a strong band of support around me , but there are things you can’t even tell your closest family or friend .

Pits hard to explain the grief of having a child that is still alive , but is nothing like the child you know . Or how much it hurts when you get fed lie after lie . Or how you are working extra hard to pay off loans that you took out in the confusion to try and keep them from getting in more trouble . Or the advice that was given with all the love in the world that was obviously ignored .

The nights I have spent just lying awake wondering if he is cold or well fed , or if he has a friend in there he can trust ?

But the biggest heartache is that he is 14 hours from where I live and the reason for that are the choices he made that ultimately put him behind bars .

I cant do much but wait and pray that in time he will become the man I know he is meant to be . I think of everyone who is going through this feels the same . This is tough but I have to be tougher .

I am in constant touch with my granddaughter , who is now two and she has become my focus .

I wish you all strength and healing and better days ahead x

[Leth]

Hi dools, very lovely of you for checking in.

Im doing ok. I have my good days, and I have my unbalanced and rather emotional days.

My good days are when I'm distracted by work and don't have a lot of time to think, my bad days (usually nights) are when I'm rather exhausted and think about the whole situation.

The Borderline has been an amazing help. A lot of what he's told us here is something my brother has confirmed he's been advised by the corrections staff.

I wish there was a way I could thank The Borderline more.

Youre definitely not offending and regardless of the words, your concern is so heartwarming, so thank you.

[Leth]

Hi Mrs AK,

Im sorry to hear you're in a similar situation, and my heart goes out to you, your son and your family.

Ita great to hear that you have a good network of people around you who are able to be there and support you through this emotional time.

2 things, I know exactly how you feel about it being a hard topic to discuss. I mainly only discuss it with my mum and partner. Outside of those two people and I almost feel frozen. I've somewhat distanced myself from family and friends because I don't want to talk about it to anybody else. Or don't want the question "how's your brother going?" to come up.

Secondly, as a brother, I too have sleepless nights wondering how my brother is sleeping, eating or coping. Is he managing his medication, how is he interacting, or the possible fear he's feeling. That sort of thinking leads to irrational thinking, and then turns into major anxiety.

My mum is very much the same, she too has broken sleeps and as a mum, I can only imagine the pain is even more stronger than my own.

Hearing from my brother, even just a short phone call, to see how he's going is enough to boost my spirits for a while.

Although it doesn't take long for me to begin to worry again.

Its the unknown, the feeling of helplessness and having no control over the situation that makes it all very difficult to handle sometimes.

My psychologist has been great, and it's a relief to know that the motions of feeling this way is ok, and to look at it as a big wave. Once the wave is over, things will settle again. I guess that's life. Life comes in waves. Big ones and small ones.

It's all about taking small steps I've realised. And to not feel guilty when if I feel all I want to do is curl up and watch a favourite tv show, staying warm and just feel.

I may not be of much help, but if there's anything I can do, please ask.

[Doolhof]

Hi Mrs. AK,

It is good to know that you feel welcome here, comforted in some way and supported. It does help to be able to express yourself and share how you are feeling. Getting thoughts out of our minds certainly can be very beneficial.

It must be difficult for you having your son so far away! Do you have the opportunity to telephone him or write him letters perhaps? Is it possible to use emails or other forms of modern technology? I am not sure how that works in a prison system.

As far as children go, I was never able to carry a pregnancy to full term, so I do not know the anguish of a mother having so many troubles with a child. I do know of the anguish and hurt I caused my own parents and am very thankful I managed to stay on the right side of the tracks.

I can imagine there are some things you do not feel comfortable sharing with people who are there in your life. This is a safe and anonymous place to share what ever you feel you need to or want to.

Sending you strength and kind thoughts, from Dools

[Doolhof]

Dear Leth,

Your words to myself and also to Mrs. AK have me in tears. Tears of sadness for you all and tears of encouragement in a strange way seeing your resilience dealing with the experience you are going through.

I can well imagine there are times when your heart and mind are torn in two, when you feel like you should not be able to enjoy yourself because of your brother's situation. This may be something to discuss with the counsellor if you have not done so already.

There have been times in my life of deep grief where I have wished the world would just stop for a while so I could rest or catch my breath. I have been in total misery and wondered what the people in the car next to me at the traffic lights had to laugh at.

I like the idea of the waves. For a while here a few of us on the forum were knocking around the idea of how to just float when the going got really tough. Maybe you can try that too in between the waves.

Regarding The Borderline, hopefully he has read your comments and knows in his heart how much he has helped you and countless others reading his words.

In time, it may be you who are able to help and support others with your words! Like you are already helping Mrs. AK!

Wishing you a day where the happy moments feel natural and acceptable!

Cheers from Dools

[Mrs_AK]

Hi leth

First of all I want to say what an amazing son you are , firstly for being there for your mum and for being there for your brother . There are so many lost boys floating around in the world who wouldn’t be lucky enough to have one let alone two warriors by their side .

drugs and mental health issues appear to go hand in hand . I often wonder what came first the chicken or the egg ? It is impossible to be inside someone’s head and know the depth of pain they are feeling , without getting it all analysed and laying all that stuff out on the table .

If there’s one positive in all of this it’s that maybe our boys , sons and brothers are getting or at least have access to someone in there that can figure out what’s going on inside their head to help eventually work towards the healing for a better life .

Keep your our chin up mate !! It helps to know I’m not alone in my sadness 😔 wish your mum all the very best too please ....

[Mrs_AK]

Hi Dools

thankyou for your kindness . There are so many beautiful people in this world and I strongly feel you are one of them !

i have spoken to my son now on three occasions and each time he sounds more controlled , more humble and appears to be listening when I speak . To be honest we have had better conversation than when he was on the outside .

i hate this whole process and I feel like I have become a slave to my phone . I tend to take it everywhere with me , just in case he rings . But having said that at least I know where he is and starting to get the hang of what he might be doing during the day . He has a job in the kitchen so I can usually relax until after four when he finishes “work” expecting a possible call after that .

its very hard when he has been trying to contact someone else on his phone list and he can’t and he then wants me to fix that and find out if they are ok . Very hard

I’m working through this as it happens and realise that all the love and good parenting that we can give does not guarantee they will choose the right path . I’ve actually stopped beating myself up about that . It’s not my fault !

Thankyou again for helping to keep us strong 💪 xx

[Doolhof]

Dear Mrs AK and Leth,

During my life there are many times I could very easily have made mistakes that could have led to huge issues for me and others. Thankfully for me, they never eventuated.

Mrs. AK my parents tried the best with myself and my siblings. I see many parents who love their children yet still have them make undesirable choices. Look at all the horrid people through history, they all had parents! I'm sure many of them had delightful, wonderful loving and caring parents.

The most important thing is that you are both there for your relatives now.

Mrs. AK it must be hard feeling like you don't want to miss a call from your son. It is good to know he has some work to do, that must make a difference to his sense of self.

Knowing that someone cares is important for anyone who is suffering in any way. If my words and sentiments are able to help in some small way, than I am very thankful for that.

Sending you both thoughts that someone cares.

Cheers from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi Leth and Mrs. AK,

Just dropping by to say "HI" to you both and hoping you are doing okay.

I can only imagine the journey you and your families are travelling. Hope yo are doing okay despite all that is happening around you.

Cheers to you seems inadequate, all the best, from Dools

[Mrs_AK]

Good morning , thank you for your concern .

All is going well , nothing much has changed . I think of my son every minute , every day but not with the same fear as I did when he was on the outside .

He sounds ok and is working and training hard by the sounds of it . I’ve become somewhat of an expert in dealing with frantic phone calls because it’s buy-up day and he has no money to buy too much etc . I tell him I also can’t buy what a want when I want . Lots of lessons being learnt and beginning to hear a more humble boy who is realising what he has been putting his family through .

The scenario could have been so much worst and I am feeling thankful he is still here to have conversations with .

thankyou for all your support amazing people !!!

xxxx