Tired and overwhelmed

[Peoplepleaser]

I'm struggling lately, and feel guilty for admitting I feel this way, because I know I have alot to be grateful for.  I feel like my life is slowly crushing me but if I slow down or stop, the people around me will see I'm not worth being around anymore and will leave. I have had anxiety and panic attacks since 16, have tried therapy previously but it didnt help and I can't realistically afford it at the moment. Tried my GP recently but they made me feel worse and were reluctant to help. The last few years have been rough, work feels draining and unfulfilling, yet it provides stability and flexibility that are hard to give up. My partner struggles with severe depression, I supported him and managed the household for several years while he got better, he is alot better now most of the time but still struggles and I'm constantly worrying about when his next low period will be and stressing about how to cover everything when he is off work due to it, and feeling guilty for resenting him at times because I know its not his fault. I've also recently went no contact with my alcoholic parents as I realised when I stopped reaching out, I no longer heard from them unless they wanted something. They were constantly speaking negatively of my partner despite being asked to stop and were wanting to always overstep boundaries I put in place. I am involved in running a charity in my free time which I use to love but feel lately it exhausts me and am beginning to resent it too. I dont have nergy to do anything on weekends just want to sleep and lay on couch. I want to stop feeling this way but am not sure how to make a change as my motivation is at an all time low and have been crying alot.  I'm also scared to ask for help because I feel like my problems pail in comparison to others but I know i need to do something.  I'd be grateful for any advice, suggestions and perspectives on what has helped others and where to start

[Doors24]

Dear Peoplepleaser,

 I just wanted to reach out and say, your pain is as valid as anyone else’s is. And I hope you can see that you are just as important as anyone else.

It is perfectly understandable to be struggling and trying to find that motivation in your life at the moment. Being someone’s carer can make you feel like you can’t have any problems yourself. But you are entitled to have a life. And life has it’s up’s and it’s downs.

It is also okay for your interests to change as time has gone on and being burnt out.

As your husband has had depression and needed rest periods, you have the right to have anxiety and have rest periods for this too. It realistically can’t go only one way.

It sounds healthier but hard to have had to distance yourself from your parents. Every child still wants a parental relationship with their parents, especially if they witness others with what they would like. And it can be hard to let go of that hope. But your boundaries are important. You are taking a stand and are very brave to have taken that step.

Your name Peoplepleaser say’s alot. It is a trait many people have to keep the world as they know it, the way that it always has been. But sometimes it is okay if that world changes a little. It may even make it healthier. But uncomfortable steps have to happen to make it healthier. Not necessarily for you, but others around you. People like things to stay the same and makes them uncomfortable if they have to put in even a little effort, even if it benefits someone they love. Hence, you stay a people pleaser. I have done this myself many times before.

As for your question, your GP wasn’t that helpful. But if you haven’t done it this calendar year, a Mental Health Plan through Medicare might be a choice. Your GP needs to make one for you. It is something I have taken up for many years. Depending on your GP offices practices, it may come with a fee to get the plan. But the psychology sessions shouldn’t come with a cost or be very minimal. It is for psychosocial (talking therapy) purposes and they do different behavioural therapies. Some Psychologists can have a waiting list. Some Psychologists may have an office or can provide telehealth appointments.

You can also change GP’s as well. Find one who you feel comfortable with and will offer services. We don’t all click with every health professional we met and try.

 I also journal my thoughts every day. No one ever needs to see my journal or I can choose to share entries with mental health professionals. It just gets all of what I am thinking of and going over in my head, out of it. When I read it back, it can just be a relief that those words are out there into the world, but can’t hurt anybody. And I can throw it in the recycle bin in pieces anytime I want. I can even put it in the recycle bin on Bin Night at the curb and no one will ever know it existed.

Talking helps too. Here or in person with someone. As human’s we put up at front naturally in front of others. But I have been amazed when someone I know finally talks to me and I find out their life isn’t as cut and dry as I had witnessed. And then I can support them. Here on the forum there is anonymity. You can express yourself and no one will ever know it is you.

I hope you keep reaching out. And I hope you get some answers that help you.

I am always happy to keep up a conversation. I have a lot of similarities to your post.

Door24

[therising]

Hi Peoplepleaser

You are such a beautiful and intensely feeling person. The world needs more people like you, those who can feel deeply for others.

I think one of the greatest challenges when it comes to feeling for others involves constantly feeling their needs. Thank goodnesss for sleep, otherwise we'd be doing it 24/7. We can be feeling for those at work who need our service, feeling for our partner who needs our service, feeling for our parents who need our service, feeling for a charity that needs our service and so on. We can even be feeling for a GP or sensing their need for us to stop talking and adhere to their depressing way of thinking. Sensing or feeling all day long definitely becomes exhausting. I've found one of the side effects of sensing or feeling for everyone else is...you kind of forget how to feel for yourself, sense your own needs. Then it can become a matter of 'Oh my god, I've actually forgotten how to serve myself. I can't even feel my own needs like I used to be able to do. What the hell happened to that ability?'. Exercising the ability to feel for everyone else, through a heck of a lot of practice, can mean no longer practicing the ability to feel for ourself. We can end up being seriously out of practice. 'How to return to the practice?' becomes the ultimate question. 

Not sure whether you can relate to any of the following but while being a 'feeler' is one thing, being a 'seer' and/or a 'hearer' can add to the complexity of things. For example, we could be feeling the needs of others. We may be able to easily see the way forward for them (through our imagination). We may even hear whatever it is that speaks to us along the lines of 'You have to help them. You know they're going to struggle without your help. You can't leave them to struggle'. The question can become 'Why can't I feel for myself, what is the best way forward for me? Why can't I see for myself, what is the best way forward for me? Why is nothing telling me what is the best way forward for me?'. While at one stage I though I was 'broken', the revelation hit that I was out of practice when it came to exercising such abilities for myself. There has got to be a happy medium between being completely selfish and completely selfless all the time, otherwise we can be left facing the consequences of either one of those states.

While there may be plenty to be grateful for in life, for sure, this doesn't take away from the need or the calling to redevelop the abilities that can come to serve us. Btw, I've found that in the process of developing a greater sense of self understanding, my way of thinking has changed. Instead of 'I want to stop feeling this way', my thinking has changed to 'I am feeling exactly what's wrong at the moment. The feelings will naturally cease when I address what they're calling me to do'. It sounds like what you're facing is a twofold challenge, 1)addressing all the reasons for feeling an overwhelming sense of exhaustion and 2)addressing all the things that are going to restore your energy levels to the point where you can feel yourself in charge again. Impossible to feel ourself in a state of charge when what we're feeling is 'flat battery' mode. Who and what's draining you? Sounds like everyone and everything. Btw, not sure whether a look into 'General Adaptation Syndrome (GAS)' might offer some insight (especially the 3rd stage of it). This is something I've been able to relate to in the past, while being of service to so many people and being on high alert almost constantly.