What next does well but won’t get help

[Anon2026]

Where to start I F40 and M50 have been together since I was 16. We have three kids all doing great. Back in the day we used to use IV speed, heroin and Ice, Pot. Anyway after like 7 years we both beat our addiction. 17 years pass and Last year I noticed my husband acting weird but the thought that there is no way he would go back to drugs it was unfathomable to me! I missed it for at least 12months. I finally realised and confronted him he had admitted to smoking METH and Picked up a habit. Over the last 6months he is smoking heaps of pot but had seemed to quit started running his business again, and started to look well. Anyway I got to a point that I trusted him I wasn’t going with him when he gets his pot the person and sells ice. I just started not to go with him to a friends house that is also a tradie but I knew used. Anyway he replased last weekend and I’m so angry he was lying so confident don’t worry I don’t do that anymore you don’t need to come with me then Bam high and behaving badly and I’m so angry. I look back now and I do think he has used a couple of times and I missed it. But this weekend was blatant. 

I have put so much time into helping him giving up my weekends each week to do his hobby. I work full time he only works when he has jobs. 
I don’t want to use and I’m feeling so angry how do people deal with this I’m tired I don’t want to have to follow him everywhere for him to not use or to be in charge of making sure he is happy I’m tired. I also don’t want to lose my house while I have two kids in Uni and One in year 12. 
I understand relapse is normal it’s the lying I can’t deal with. 
what should my next terms be because he has refused all forms of treatment to date. 

[Croix]

Dear Anon2026~

I'd like oto give you a warm welcome to the Forum, there are many here who have been in similar circumstances and there have been all sort of ways of coping, from putting up with it to leaving.

I can understand the dishonesty is a betrayal and the loss of the trust you had in your partner, as he is no longer there just for you.  Very upsetting and stressful as you do not know if matters will get  better or worse.

I hate to talk of mundane matters but you work and he only works a bit, Is your financial position good enough for you to take over the house, or are you tied together financially. It is a big load between house, two kids at uni and another in year 12. If your two oldest depend on you for money it is a big set of expenses.

There is spending in another way, and that is you spending yourself. You are not an inexhaustible well of strenght, nobody is, and trying to shepherd him full time down the no drugs path really is not possible long term. At some stage he has to take responsibility, be that good or bad.

I think in your position I too would have missed the fact he had relapsed after so long and put different behaviour down to other causes, not something to blame yourself about.

So what terms you use depends partly on finances, you cannot threaten to leave if you can't afford it, you can however insist he no longer sees the 'friends' that deal or use. If he values his family and you more than the addiction he has developed then you stand a chance.

Please bear in mind any addiction is hard to beat and takes three things. A determination on the part of the addicted to stop, clinical help and family support with encouragement when slipping and praise when recovering.

Have you discussed this with your two eldest kids and what do they think?

I'd also suggest talking to one of our friendly councilors to see if they know of support services in your area.

I'm afraid it is not an easy road, however you will always be welcome here

Croix