My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Doolhof]

Hi Leth,

Hopefully this jail is not too far away for family to visit your brother.

Also wondering if you and your family members are receiving any counselling or support to help you thought this.

Now you know where your brother is, can you contact the prison, I am not sure if they have some kind of support person, maybe a visiting person who may be able to talk with your brother. I'm not sure how all that works, I have heard of volunteers who visit prisoners.

Hope you find some answers.

Kind regards from Dools

[Leth]

Hi dools,

Im currently getting counseling, and have been for about year. My sessions have increased from monthly to fortnightly.

Mum has been recommended to see her GP for a referral to see a councilor also.

I might try calling the jail to see if they're able to provide some sort of support for my brother.

I know it's completely out of my control and I pray that he'll find the strength to take it day by day.

I just feel so out of reach, and finding it hard to shelve it, even just for a little while.

[Guest_7403]

There are prison chaplains who while are religious will also come and have a chat

Theres also independent prison visitors, they are not employed by the prison they come in and have a chat about anything really thats on there mind

[Guest_7403]

Sorry to answer your question about structure, they all follow the same processes.

Pre let out counts, work, counts during the days, lock up counts.

Meal are the same, breakfast, lunch and dinner all prepared at the jail.

Only differences are security ratings, items they can have in cell, possibly more options for tv, canteen items etc

All jails have different visit days and times, check with his as too what days and times they are

You can also look up the "deputy commissioners instructions" online, which have the rights and restrictions that all jails must abide by for prisoners and visitors

[Guest_7403]

Apologies i did reply in detail but it didn't show up, so I'll type it again here.

Depending on which jail hes at government or private they will run definately, i know alot more about government run ones.

All jails mandatorily have a psych nurse onsite 24/7, they are there for prisoners deemed "at risk" of harming themselves and they are also there for those with mental health issues.

Unit staff or your brother can request a distress referral be made, in which a psych/medical officer will see him within a 24 hr period to assess how he is and have a general catch up with...if he raises concerns about himself they can organise to have him booked into the doctor for depression based treatments, or to a psych nurse for closer review

In terms of best ways to socialise and make friends i would suggest he finds employment within industries, it gives them purpose, something to get up for in the morning and allows them to work with other prisoners to build those bonds

You will find staff will be good to him aslong as he shows respect to them, manners get you a long way in there.

Things like count time, when counts called just go to your cell door and wait quietly, dont dawdle....refuse to follow direction etc as this just frustrates staff and alienates there willingness to offer support

I would get him some of those coluring mosiac books, i see alot of inmates have them and do them after lockup to pass time, word finds, soduku are also good...you can drop them in at property

Encourage him to write letters to friends and family, and yourself likewise as it lets him know hes not forgotten and has support there for him. Also encourage him to call regularly...they all use the phones in there...its there main way of reaching the outside

As for prisoners, its not a nice place....especially for first timers, they are targeted by bullies who standover them for canteen, shoes, money etc.

Those things can be avoided by having a group of friends or people you associate with that have done alot of jail, they will show him how to navigate his way through

There are prisoners whose jobs are "peer educators" they are old heads, done alot of jail and stay out of trouble....there job is too mentor younger prisoners on how to do jail...its a good thing as officers cant do that

If you have any more queries ask away

[Leth]

Thank you so much for the detailed information. Just the fact that you're taking the time to explain this to me is really so helpful and I can't thank you enough.

Are you able to elaborate on the types of work choices he'll be able to chose from? And how much of the day is spent doing that sort of work?

Are meal times all shared in a (large) common space, or are they broken up into small different areas?

Are any inmates likely to recognise if he's feeling distressed and offer some sort of trusting bond with him?

I believe he has an appointment with the doctor tomorrow morning and I hope that he'll use that time to explain how he's feeling and the sort of support he'll need.

He's generally a well natured guy, almost a very sensitive and vulnerable personally type, and my biggest worry is that he won't have the survival mechanism to deal with the social anxiety and fear of his surroundings and peers.

Will it be made known to him that there are peer educators are available to him?

As a generally anxious person myself, I can't help but think the worst. I'm definitely working on that, and with your helpful information it's definitely alleviating some of my worries and helping me see it much more factually than emotionally.

Thank you again.

[Guest_7403]

Industries typically compromises of metal work (welding/assembly), timber, kitchen, horticulture, spray painting etc

They do vary slightly from jail to jail but there i guess you could say the framework

Meals are usually issued from trolleys within the units, they can eat in common areas or take it back to there cells, i assume he will shy away to his cell at first

Other prisoners will definately pick up on his vulnerability and lack of jail smarts, some may use it against him. Although some are decent blokes who will give him advice and steer him the right way

The offender services team should let him know whats available to him upon reception...they call it orientation. I believe theyd tell him about peer educators there

Jail can go two ways for first timers, its either such a terrifying experience that they make the change to never have to come back,

Or it goes the opposite way, they network with others, learn different ways to commit crime, find more channels to a life of drugs and crime via associations made inside that lead to outside life

I hope for your sake that your brother is the first type.

Some young people i never see again, some join the revolving door of prisons.

He needs to make those life changing decisions to stop associating with certain people that lead him down that path and move forward with his life, it all starts at home

[Doolhof]

Hi Leth,

Just popping in to say "hello" and hoping you and your family are coping okay with all that has been happening. Maybe "coping" is not a good word to choose! Just want to let you know I am thinking of you.

It is not easy to find the right words and I certainly don't want to cause any offense of sound flippant about the situation your brother, you and your family are in.

The Borderline,

Hi. I just want to make a comment here to say how amazingly helpful you have been to Leth and his family and also to anyone else who is reading this thread.

The sharing of your knowledge and understanding may make a huge difference to many people! So thanks on behalf of everyone reading.

Cheers to you both from Dools

[Mrs_AK]

I am in an almost identical situation to you Leth only I am the mother of a son who has recently gone to prison . This is the second time within three months and it seems this may be for a while . My beautiful troubled son left his hometown 3 and a half years ago for work and adventure , just past his 21st birthday , within two months he had been arrested and put on an order that meant he couldn’t leave to town in Victoria he was living in and so began the spiral that has consumed myself and my other two sons . His addiction to ice has obviously been out of control and although I have visited twice and he has had permission from corrections twice to come home , we could all see it wasn’t going to end well . He had a job , a great car , a wonderful partner and my first grandchild but still could not find the light at the end of the day . He has lost it all and after 17 days , most of those wondering where the hell he was ? He has made contact and didn’t seem the least bit concerned about me but was asking me to please make contact with the partner he left behind as he was super stressed about the mess he had left her to deal with ? I feel quite shattered and asked him quietly after having been paying out for him for 3 years if he worried how I was doing ? Love him so much but feel so helpless right now . I just needed to vent to those who may understand ....

[Doolhof]

Hello AK,

I am so very sorry to read your story. I would like to welcome you to the community here on the forum. It is very tragic your son has found himself in this predicament.

We are very fortunate to have The Borderline here to help explain the correctional system to us all. I also hope you will feel supported on this forum.

You may like to share more of your story here and in time, you might feel comfortable starting your own thread.

If you don't mend me asking, have you been to talk to a counsellor about how you are feeling right now? I have no doubt there is a lot of confusion happening in your mind right now.

It must be extremely hard to have a family member in this situation. It must also be hurtful and sad to have had the conversation you recently had with your son.

Kind thoughts to you, cheers from Dools