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Chris_B PLEASE READ BEFORE POSTING: 3 important tips to get the most out of this section
  • replies: 0

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following... View more

Hi everyone, The Relationships & Family Issues section is one of the busiest here on our forums. It's also one of the areas where we find members can get themselves into trouble! Before posting here, take a deep breath and be mindful of the following 3 tips: 1. Do you really want to share this with the world? This is a public forum. Are you thinking of posting something that could identify you to a friend or family member? Once you've posted, you can't delete what you've written and we don't take posts down from here unless they've broken one of our community rules. This is because our members spend a lot of time composing replies, and there is a much wider audience that gets a lot out of reading what has been written. It's not fair to ask the community for support, then ask to have it removed once you've read it so others can't also benefit. Use discretion when posting here - think about the level of detail you are sharing, and think also about who might know you are posting here. Also, please keep it clean: this is an all ages forum and explicit discussions about sexual problems are not permitted. Threads and posts of this nature will be removed and your account placed on a moderation hold. 2. What do you want to get out of posting here? Relationship and family issues are stressful. Members sometimes post here seeking advice about a relationship that has broken down, but find themselves getting upset when they don't agree with the response they get. This is a peer support forum, meaning we are not mental health professionals. We are people of all ages and backgrounds, with a wide range of life experiences. While we aim for our discussions to be conducted respectfully, people here will respond with the truth as they see it, from their own experiences and perspectives. We are not here to take sides. Offence is almost never intentional, but it can be sometimes taken. The advice you will see here is not intended to be a substitute for professional counselling. 3. What other support do you have? Most people posting on our forums (about any issue) use this space as a supplement to other supports. This forum is not and cannot be a substitute for offline supports, but it is often a good place to start the ball rolling and find the courage for seeking help. If you are relying solely on an internet forum to resolve your relationship or family issues, you are likely to be disappointed. Check out the Healthy Homes section of our Healthy Families website for further information and resources.

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Gamechanger I am totally over everything
  • replies: 11

I live with my almost 19 year old son. I have issues and am on DSP because of these issues. I work as much as I can and keep everything running although I don't feel like doing so most of the time. The house is always clean, bills paid, lots of food ... View more

I live with my almost 19 year old son. I have issues and am on DSP because of these issues. I work as much as I can and keep everything running although I don't feel like doing so most of the time. The house is always clean, bills paid, lots of food etc and I make nice meals everynight. My son is so disrespectful and he is seriously upsetting me. He does nothing but sit in his computer room swearing at idiots on the game. He spends his pittance from his part time job on weed and takeaway food. He had his idiot friend over the other night. They got totally drunk. His friend was asleep on the couch...my son was being totally crazy. Set fire to his pants by the back door, if I hadn't been aware of this the whole house could have gone up in flames. He was being disgusting, rude, scaring me and being so disrespectful to me. The day after he was ashamed and apologetic. He then had insomnia for three nights and again became argumentative and belligerent towards me. I have tried getting him help and he always bails at the last minute. I am at the stage where I am starting to hate him. He is ruining any semblance of a life I could have. I do not need to be in this big house with the big mortgage. I could live in a unit and have money and no stress. He is totally incapable of living elsewhere and I would not kick him out as he would end up dead. But I am ruined inside by his behaviour and the fact I am absolutely trapped. His 'father' has a lot to do with all of this but he has remarried and has always treated my son like a nuisance. My son hates him and wants him dead. I just want some peace and I think there is only one way to get that.

Katija Totally feel trapped
  • replies: 1

Hi we've recently moved into inlaws house to help mother in law with my bedridden father in law. They live in a unit in the back yard. We pay all the bills here, totally in control of that. She says this is our house and internally she doesn't say a ... View more

Hi we've recently moved into inlaws house to help mother in law with my bedridden father in law. They live in a unit in the back yard. We pay all the bills here, totally in control of that. She says this is our house and internally she doesn't say a word about what we do, which is great. But she interferes in every thing else. From fertilising the garden to mowing the grass. She criticising my kids, their haircuts etc. Some days I just want to run away...I cry a lot as my husband doesn't want to listen. He keeps telling me to change my attitude but I don't want to. She's the bully not me. It's really making me feel trapped. I don't know what to do or who to tall to.

white knight Disowning a family member
  • replies: 31

This is by far the most difficult thread I've ever written. Finally after using my heart as my guide all my life, my head is taking over in order to save myself from serious longer term harm. And that's the reason for this thread- limiting grief and ... View more

This is by far the most difficult thread I've ever written. Finally after using my heart as my guide all my life, my head is taking over in order to save myself from serious longer term harm. And that's the reason for this thread- limiting grief and moving forward. Blood is an attachment that cant be described. As children our parents are our life, our security, our nurturing. We never expect to disown them. Our own children is what we created, we protect, we feed, we devote...we never expect to disown them. How far do you proceed with a family member when the relationship is unworkable? If it is unworkable how long do you endure any toxicity before you enter a self protection/preservation mode? Forever? Some of us presume so. Or we live in hope that it will work out one day. An example- My first wife used silence as a very effective hurtful weapon. It isn't easy describing the feeling of being ineffective with combatting it. I divorced her in 1996. Only recently did I stumble on the reason why it is used as a weapon and what you can do about it. Google Silent Treatment: Preferred Weapon of People with Narcissism So, one of my daughters is 26yo and since she was 14yo she has showed strong traits of this. She lived with her mother and I had her for visitations every second weekend and holidays. Obviously her mother had a strong influence on her and that has been on display every time her and I have communication. Every two years or so my daughter re-enters my life to create havoc. At first its fine, we talk (only on Facebook messenger as that gives her control to block me if she so desires) then after a couple of weeks of great communication - she is gone! no contact. Why? Control. My daughter is in control of when she communicates. She is well aware of the hurt she inflicts. Recently I developed that attitude, now for the hard bit- getting on with my life with people that love and adore me. PS I recently read the following phrases- Not every time losing a person in your life - is a loss I believe that Narcissists deserve our compassion, but compassion does not involve giving them permission to hurt other people or overlooking any damage that they do.” “I am a recovering narcissist. I thought narcissism was about self-love till someone told me there is a flip side to it. I'm not weak, I was trusting. I'm not giving up, I'm healing. There is life after narcissistic abuse, Hold On! TonyWK

Will never understand Never understand
  • replies: 3

Well it’s been nearly five years since my son went to jail. The first 4 we thought was okay but in the past 6 months it’s been hell. We were blackmailed by not so nice people. Extorchist there called to protect our son they said. We did fold and gave... View more

Well it’s been nearly five years since my son went to jail. The first 4 we thought was okay but in the past 6 months it’s been hell. We were blackmailed by not so nice people. Extorchist there called to protect our son they said. We did fold and gave them a large some of money but when they threatened my sons life and said they were coming for me, that was the final straw, I went to the detectives but sadly unless we had proof that she threatened my life, we had nothing really. My son was in a cell .23 hours a day but finally got moved 3 weeks ago to another jail. I do wonder what will happen when he gets out. So many friends say he can’t come home but as a mother I have to protect him. I don’t think I will ever understand why he is we’re he is today because that wasn’t the son I protected growing up. Something has happened to him and he found drugs and alcohol to numb his pain but sadly at someone else’s expense. Will never understand or forgive my son for what he has done but he is my son. Why can’t friends not judge and just be there, I don’t understand. I no in a heartbeat I would be there for them, no judgement. When do you no to let go of that friendship?!

adamc Mum's Birthday Payback
  • replies: 1

Let me clarify the title. It was Mum's birthday last week and I chose not to buy her anything because of her nasty, putdown attitude towards me. I'm 39, Mum she treats and speaks to me like a petulant child, tells me off for buying DVDs for myself, t... View more

Let me clarify the title. It was Mum's birthday last week and I chose not to buy her anything because of her nasty, putdown attitude towards me. I'm 39, Mum she treats and speaks to me like a petulant child, tells me off for buying DVDs for myself, trying to tell me what I can and can't do with my own money and I always overhear her and my oldest sister saying things like "Wouldn't it be great if we had a dog? I want one but the chief won't let us have one." They've been rejected on every adoption application they've put in. Because of this attitude, I didn't get Mum anything for her birthday and because of this, Dad has said I'm not to buy him anything ever and Mum has said she doesn't want me riding in her car. She goes around saying "He buys his Dad something and buys his sister presents but can't be bothered to get his own mother something." On a number of occasions, she comes up to me and says "So, are you going to be buying me anything for my birthday/Xmas/mother's day?"

Mintie_Marmalade Wanting to breakup but can’t
  • replies: 4

Hey everyone, my first time using forums, and first time here! I am currently in a relationship, I know that my boyfriend really cares for me and considers me, but i don’t really reciprocate those feelings back. (Why did i get into the relo then, you... View more

Hey everyone, my first time using forums, and first time here! I am currently in a relationship, I know that my boyfriend really cares for me and considers me, but i don’t really reciprocate those feelings back. (Why did i get into the relo then, you may ask?), it’ll become clear in the end. Ever since i was little, I have seen my dad and mum work hard, not only did they move to an entirely new country to start fresh, they really had to start from the bottom and work to get to a place where my sisters and I get opportunities for a comfier living. For that I will always be grateful. I will not deny however, that the concept of wealth and money has become a vital subject and “value(?)” within our family. In a nutshell, my boyfriend apparently comes from an extremely wealthy background. Yes, he smiles alot and was cheerful, so i got together with him. I will hold myself accountable and admit his “wealth” also served as something eye-catching. But over these past 5 months of dating, i have realised (which i should’ve to begin with), that money (yes, its important), but not everything. It really isn’t. I have been more unhappy/anxious, than happy and confident in this relo, despite having mutual conversations with my bf. When i brought up the fact that i didn’t really reciprocate feelings back, and that I really can’t envision a future with him where i am happy, my parents were not pleased and said if i break up, i will not find someone like him again (bc of how he likes me, and bc of his money). I told them that i really realised money isn’t the most important right? One’s wellbeing is! But my parents said I am actually worthless and the reason my mum has been buying alot of expensive, luxury items for me is to make me appear “in his league”. I feel mortified from my initial materialistic, selfish reason to be with him. Also, i do not know how to comprehend my parents’ outlook. I know they experienced financial hardship, they want their daughters to live a comfortable and yes, wealthier life of course, but I feel suffocated and almost pressured into continuing this relationship. They say when i talk with him on Saturday, i better act sweet and helpless to lure him in me. If i chose to end the relo, they will no longer support or lookout for me in the future. I will have a hard time dating not just him, but any guys. sorry for the long message, i just needed to express my thoughts. Have a nice and safe day

Molly91 Advice please
  • replies: 18

Hello everyone, I'm very new to this.. My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals. I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. I k... View more

Hello everyone, I'm very new to this.. My partner and I are an extremely close couple , very similar and we enjoy nothing more than to spend time with each other and our beautiful animals. I first met him through work and we instantly hit it off. I knew he was seperated but he told me they were going to be divorced and was only a matter of time as he wanted to progress in life with me and have a future. Fast forward 2 years and I'm still asking him when... I get excuse after excuse and he even gets defensive about it , saying "it's between us" and "it doesn't have anything to do with you" ect. 95% of the time, we couldn't be happier. Genuinely happy. But I feel that it does have something to do with me as I am meant to be in his picture. He talks about her all the time, still has contact, sends her birthday gifts and gives her staff discount. To top it off, he hides me from her. He has told me all this. I really don't know what to do. I have voiced my feelings now for 2 years and not even a tiny bit of action to get divorced or the ball rolling. I feel worthless and at the bottom of his priority list. She cheated on him and he defensive of her. They've been seperated nearly as long as they were married. We were meant to be moving into our first home together but I feel completely uncomfortable with that idea as her presence is too strong and involved. I need advice, I love him but I can't stick around to be disrespected. I'm a simple person and don't ask for much,I simply wanted him to put our future before his past, but he won't.

white knight Cutting ties, clarity and confidence
  • replies: 1

The ebb and flow can be confusing for many of us, the fluidity of allowing some to come closer to us on a personal level and others we push away and some far further. What action we take - is it over reaction, under reaction or should we not react at... View more

The ebb and flow can be confusing for many of us, the fluidity of allowing some to come closer to us on a personal level and others we push away and some far further. What action we take - is it over reaction, under reaction or should we not react at all? Most of those questions linger in the under confident whereas the confident do as they think is best for them automatically. Are the latter lacking guilt? Or the thinkers, the dwellers, full of guilt? Guilt has a large part to do with harming ourselves in terms of the inner turmoil we suffer in doubting ourselves. Yet us humans differ in so many ways and as a species we fall into conflict often. Those that dont have conflict- what does it say about them? In my observations the mean description could be "fence sitters" that do lots of listening, reply with neutral tones, like a social sponge without thorns. That not being critical, they are who they are and they survive easier in life among others far better without such controversy, but just as they are permitted to tackle the vastness of human swill so are those that find it difficult in their own world of disharmony. That spectrum includes is our own character and thats ok but the latter results in greater guilt and thats the core of this post Family and friends can possess adverse issues- their toxicity can include, manipulation, revenge, violence, verbal abuse, grandiosity, arrogance, possessiveness and so forth. When a family is divided not unlike marriage separation, the grief is on par with a death. Some families suffer parting of the ways that are permanent, then never patching things up is indeed like loved ones passing away as the damage done is so deep. Such conflicts are often caused by basic beliefs of how we all treat each other. In some of the male dominated professions I've worked in if a guy discusses his dislike and actions of another to other males in a group he could be seen as either disloyal or not containing the conflict with the person he has the issues with, either way he could end up alienated. That's one form of turmoil that can cause major issues not easily repaired. Guilt in your decision making can lead to major mental challenges as you battle internally for peace. This is where professional therapy is a marvel to not only cope with the guilt but sort through what could be irregular actions by the people you are interacting with. Clarity via therapy can confirm your reactions as appropriate or not for peace of mind. TonyWK

Toni_Hall Scared of my ex and missing my kids
  • replies: 10

My ex partner has a long history of being angry. He holds me completely at fault for our relationship breakdown three years ago, and has aggressively sought to alienate me from our kids, to the extent that my teenage daughter stopped coming to stay h... View more

My ex partner has a long history of being angry. He holds me completely at fault for our relationship breakdown three years ago, and has aggressively sought to alienate me from our kids, to the extent that my teenage daughter stopped coming to stay here after he claimed that I had an affair whilst we were still together. She sent me horrible, hate filled messages for a long time. Of late, she has sneaked over a few times and we've chatted about all sorts of things, but tonight she has suddenly told me she can't see me again. My 10 y.o. son (who still comes, despite being withheld apparently of his own free will) and I still have lots of time together, and have a lot of quality time whenever we can, but I do notice some things coming through in his behaviour - the first day or two back he talks to me like I'm dirt, and most of the time I have to be very careful about my approach to talking about anything he has done wrong, as he immediately tells me that it is my fault and becomes very angry and/or distressed in seconds, like a switch has been flipped. I can't even frown in his presence or breathe incorrectly, as he'll take it as a sign of anger from me and become defensive. I have no other support, no outlet for discussion, and am constantly working hard to avoid conflict with my reactive ex, and to support our kids without setting him off, giving them free passes to behave badly, or lose my (great) job because of the unreasonable demands my ex makes (if he has his way, he'll move my son to a third school in three years). He has the marital home and all of the resources, and despite custody and financial agreements, continues to do what he likes, when he likes. I have long given up aspirations of making this work ad a co-parent situation, and I'm now just trying to survive and do the best I can for our kids, whilst he manipulates my world and theirs at his whim. I feel so lost. I've been speaking with a social worker for 6 months, but she can't be here 24/7, and I can't keepholding this in. I know I'm doing everything I can, and I'm doing it the right way, but I'm exhausted. I can't take the kids away, because they will hate me for doing it - they love him, and he's done a great job of holding them emotionally captive. All I want is to have my time with them and not have to worry that he'll destroy them or my relationship with them over his need to be seen as a victim.

Vil I dont know what to do
  • replies: 5

I am a 22 year old living with my younger sister on rent. Her boyfriend stays with us 5 days a week (for free). That alone is difficult to deal with considering how hard I am working in a low income job, but Ive been dealing with depression and anxie... View more

I am a 22 year old living with my younger sister on rent. Her boyfriend stays with us 5 days a week (for free). That alone is difficult to deal with considering how hard I am working in a low income job, but Ive been dealing with depression and anxiety for quite a while too. I have a hard time cleaning up but I do my best to clean up before the day ends. For some reason, my efforts are not enough for my sister. She keeps telling me that I dont wash the dishes nor do I do any cleaning in the house that doesn't involve my dog. I clean the living room, all floors except for the bathroom and my sister's room and the balcony. I also do my dishes and clean the kitchen but not immediately after I finish eating. My sister cleans the bathroom and the kitchen when she cooks. Yesterday, my sister went to sleep without washing a couple of her dishes so I washed them with mine. I told her about it today because she ALWAYS tells me if I miss mine. She started getting angry about it and telling me that she never tells me if I dont clean. I know better than that. Our dynamic used to be the opposite: I was very clean, my sister was not so clean. She changed a lot after her boyfriend started coming over. I've told her about how I dont feel like doing anything at all during the day. I dont even want to take a shower let alone doing the dishes, but I still get it done. I just wish she were a bit more supportive, especially because of the amount of stress I have to go through with my mom and dad trauma dumping only on me(older sibling issues) and her boyfriend coming over.I recently had a surgery and my sister was supposed to accompany me but she forgot about it and scheduled to go to work on the day when it was her free day. She did this so she could skip work the next day to go out with her boyfriend. She never listens to me, never talks to me, everything is just so different. I wouldn't be feeling this bad about it but I do because I dont have friends because I dont leave my house. I wish I could talk to her about it but she is just too engrossed in her relationship to see me struggling to get through the day (I dont look like I struggle because that's just how I am, but Ive told my sister about it). Sorry if this feels more like a rant. Ive never done this before