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End of a relationship
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Hi every one.
I am a 31 year old female. My ex partner is 37.
it’s my first time using this forum, thank you for listening. I have been in a relationship with someone for 2.5 years. During this time, he always makes ‘jokes’ and ‘teases’ me about things. I have constantly communicated the fact to him that these jokes are upsetting, degrade me and make me feel worthless. For example, he tugged at both sides of my hips and raised an eyebrow. I have recently put on some weight. He will pat and rub my stomach during intimacy etc.
I am always angry, irritated and upset lately and have been quite negative. I expressed to him how his joking makes me feel he said I was too sensitive, he’s just teasing and he can’t deal with my negativity. A big issue for us is that he can’t say he loves me. It’s been 2.5 years. He just says that has ‘strong feelings which are much more than like…. But not at the stage of love yet’ and that he has never loved anyone before.
Last night I realised I can’t throw my life away with someone who can’t say I love you and I ended the relationship. He was very cold to me and implied my mental state is the thing that makes it hard for him to commit. I tried explaining that how he makes me feel leads to me being negative and low in mood. He then shut the conversation down, threatened to block me and told me not to go around to his house.
I feel vulnerable right now. I know I have made the right decision for myself… but to be honest, I’m feeling upset, hurt and depressed. Unfortunately we were going on a holiday tomorrow and after I ended it, within an hour he had cancelled everything. I even asked if there was a possibility we could save our relationship by going on this holiday. He said no.
I feel like I have given my heart, efforts and time to this person, only to be met with callousness and apathy.
He has made me feel ‘crazy’ or ‘hyper emotional’ because I’m always angry at him. I am always angry because I am always getting put down and can’t stand it. Am I crazy here?
He said he is just too ‘anxious’ to get married because of ‘how I am’. If I have been upset with him it’s just because of how I am treated.
I feel alone and ask people if they have been in a similar experience and if you have any tips on how to get through this.
Thank you
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Hi Becky, welcome
"Am I crazy here"? Well that is the ultimate result of gaslighting a term used more often nowadays to include someone that tries to "fool" their partner into making them feel responsible for the conflicts and in this case- non commitment.
From reading you very sad post I get the feeling you are not compatible. Sensitive people (like me to) cannot run down to the store and look under herbs to find "anti sensitive chinese medicine". When people tell me to stop being so sensitive I ask them to try being ultra sensitive for a few weeks, thats the difficulty. It's part of our nature and the positives of sensitivity is emapthy, kindness, loving, caring and affection. IMO those not sensitive need to become it and maybe his relationship might well have drifted towards him falling in love with you had he been more considerate.
Sensitive people also often have low self esteem. So when he puts you down in his world he can tease you for your faults, meaning he isnt in tune with your hurt levels when he does that. Then when you object - its all your fault.
I think him not telling you he loves you is an honest assessment of his persona in that he cannot extend himself far enough into the mind of a lovely person.
Pass on that holiday. Allow time to heal the grief which is mandatory for any loss, then gather your life plans and make a better life.
I have a few threads pertaining to this topic. Please read the first post only of each and I'll be here daily to read and reply.
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/highly-sensitive-people-hsp/td-p/480942/page/7
https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999
TonyWK
