Only found out what a covert narcissist is . Ignorance was not bliss.

[Lightbulb-moment]

1 month no contact with my X.

she was text book covert NPD.

Once I researched it I could not un- know but the truth does not make it any easier or bring me any peace yet.

I cannot stop going over 10 years of our relationship in my mind and being embarrassed at all the obvious signs that it was only me ever putting in any real effort in. 
how was I so blind?

Would really like to stop doing that but things just keep on popping into my mind.

Hopefully time will lesson this happening?

[indigo22]

Hi Lightbulb-moment,

Welcome to the forum, I hope you will it helpful in dealing with your situation.

I am so sorry that you have only discovered this after all those years.

Covert is the important word you need to remind yourself of, they are masters at hiding the real agenda. You can't blame yourself for not knowing, there are many people here that have been duped in this way.

My guess is that you are a sensitive and caring person because that is the type of personality that they look for. You would not have been the first and you will not be the last. I truly am sorry that this has happened to you.

The thing to remember is now that you do know, you won't be so easily duped and will be able to spot the behaviour because you know what to look for.

I have dealt with a family member who is a narcissist, but there was nothing covert about that behaviour, it was obvious. There is a term that is used in relation to narcissists, "gaslighting", I am sure you would have read about this and it happens more frequently than you would think. You are not alone in this experience, if you would like to talk with others who have been through similar, you could use the search button at the top of the page using search words such as narcissist, narcissism or gaslighting and look through some of the posts.

I hope this helps a little, you are welcome to continue the conversation, I will be here.

Take care,

indigo

[Lightbulb-moment]

Thankyou for your reply and support.

I am very lucky in some ways as I am not trapped in that relationship and over all feel much better just being out of it. 

I wish I could just stop thinking about it altogether but realise it will take time.

[quirkywords]

Lightbulb moment it is hard to focus on the present where you are aware of what happened and have no contact with your ex.

can yo catch yourself thinking of the past and trey to be in the present. It is hard and will take time. 

[therising]

Hi Lightbulb-moment

I think sometimes the most challenging thing about waking up to people involves the 'one revelation after another' experience. It's not just about one single revelation and it's 'lesson learned', I've found it can become about a key trigger that can start us on the path to growing consciousness. With one revelation after another, typically through recalling certain experiences with that person, consciousness grows bit by bit. I've found it can kinda become like compiling a list that resembles 'What about that time they... Oh, wow, they were so manipulative and what about that time where they were super nice to me. Gee, I now know what that was really about based on the end result they got out of me. Actually, that tended to happen quite often. And what about that time where...'. On and on it goes and, while angering and sad in some ways, waking up can become an exciting thing. While enlightenment can be a tough experience, the light can be far more exciting than the dark, especially when it comes to the darkness of depression, a state certain people can lead us to. Waking up to a certain nature can become about developing the ability to sense that nature in others. 'That person definitely has a narcissistic feel or vibe to them. I can sense/feel it, based on past experience'. And with that, a new ability is developed.

[Lightbulb-moment]

Thankyou.

Yes what you have written is spot on and basically it's looking back over the relationship and doing an edit from a new perspective.

I don't suffer from depression much even during this dysfunctional relationship I was generally pretty happy.

I always felt something was off but could never nail down exactly what it was.

I just muddled along until I googled "Passive aggressive" one day in regards to a work issue and that led to NPD. Once I started down that path I realized I was being abused in a very subtle way and it was literally a light bulb moment. 

After reading other posts regarding NPD I actually feel lucky that I could act pretty much immediately to end this relationship and go no contact. For many that is not even an option and I have great empathy for anyone who knows their relationship with a covert narcissist is toxic but cannot act to end it easily.

I think you are right that this can be an opportunity to grow once I have a little more processing time under my belt.

Thankyou once again for taking the time to help me.

[Lee001]

It took me a few years to finally diagnose my Covert Narc, slowly she turned my family away from me and isolated me. As far as anyone else knows, she is a perfect angel, however the 30 recordings I have of her show a different personality, rage, anger,violence,all done behind closed doors 

[quirkywords]

Lee001

thanks for sharing your story . I am glad you could work out your covert narc. Sorry no one believes you.