Hi all,I’m not sure what I would like to get out of sharing this. Maybe
just to get it out of my chest or to get my thoughts down in words so I
can process it, or to find wisdom or advice from others wiser than
myself. I am diagnosed with Generalised...
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Hi all,I’m not sure what I would like to get out of sharing this. Maybe
just to get it out of my chest or to get my thoughts down in words so I
can process it, or to find wisdom or advice from others wiser than
myself. I am diagnosed with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I may
also have depression but wasn’t diagnosed when I last went to therapy. I
could have shared in those forums but I think at this moment, my young
family is more important to me than anything else. Like many people, we
had very rough years during Covid financially and also from the stress
of raising our firstborn child with a disability, without family
support. That took a toll on my mental health and I don’t think I have
ever recovered from that. Rebuilding our lives after Covid wasn’t all as
smooth sailing either as we continued to grapple with family issues
exacerbated during the last couple of years, putting ourselves back
together while also learning the ropes of being a parent of a child with
disability. I found myself in a constant state of exhaustion, stress and
anxiety. I felt that my wife was hyper focused on our child and
rebuilding her career, which is a completely reasonable thing to do. But
I often found myself thinking I was abandoned by everyone, everyone in
our families wanted to be around the baby and take pretty pictures but
no one was there for us meaningfully when the going get tough. And I
felt thay as my wife focused on rebuilding her career, our moments
together became fewer and fewer and I felt that even my wife had
focussed on herself rather than us. I thought about how alone I was if
even my wife abandoned me. I had a lot of childhood trauma from bullying
and being ostracised so that hit me really hard. I tried to talk to my
wife several times to hopefully help us communicate better. These
conversations brought small successes but they were also very hard to
have as my wife also had issues she was and is dealing with. As I kept
pushing on with life and either ignore or continue dealing with life
problems, I felt like I was back to where I was years ago. So I hated
myself, I hated everything and everyone that left me there while I
needed them the most. I experienced episodes where I acted recklessly. I
would do things that rationally I would never have done or would
otherwise consider very carefully before acting. I had suicidal thoughts
but never proceeded to physically planning or actioning on them. I
thought about our child and how that would affect him. But I still hated
myself and how I was feeling. People would call me a good and fair
person. So I destroyed myself. In a moment when I lost myself, I went to
a ‘happy ending’ massage place. I did not do that for emotional or
sexual gratification. I wanted to destroy that good and fair persona.
When my senses came back to me, I felt ashamed of myself, and I felt a
lot of anxiety about what’s going to happen next. What if my wife decide
to leave me when she learns of what I have done? I have reached out to
support services, including couple therapy to help us rebuild our
communication and trust. And eventually I will be honest with her about
what I did and own up to my mistake. But what if she leave me? I will be
alone again, just like I was years ago. What if I caught an STI that
will harm my family? Despite having called two helplines staffed by
department of health staff, who said that I had no risk and there’s no
worry, the anxiety continue gnawing at me. Imagining my child asking me
or his mom where mom or dad was if we separated breaks my heart into a
million pieces. I did what I should never have, and in no way am I
blaming my wife for my state of mind. I wouldn’t have had the things and
moments we cherished if I had married anyone other than her. I wish I
could be given a second chance, but I don’t know if there’s a second
chance for me. I got myself into a mess that I don’t know where to even
begin to fix. I again am not even sure what I’m looking for when sharing
this, nor am I sure I have conveyed the states of mind that I was and am
in. But I guess it’s better to talk about it rather than imagining
situations in my head.
Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about
