Narcissistic Dad...and his blame game.

[Aria87]

Over the past few years, my dads behavior has taken a toll on my marriage.

My father treats my husband like he does everyone and anyone. Hes rude, he talks about people, and blames everyone else for any action. My husband had enough, and cut himself off from my parents as he was over my dad calling him only when he wanted something, then when my husband would reach out back he would ignore him or reject his calls if it wasnt a convenient time for him then my dad would stay all quiet acting like he did nothing wrong. Months have gone by, and my dad hasnt asked where my husband has been, because he knows he has stuffed up again. But my dad, will blame my husband and also backstab him to my brothers. My mum would ask, as she is the fixer for all these situations however my husband wont back down now until my dad contacts him back and my husband wants to tell my dad how he upset him so he can learn to stop doing it to him. My husband will every now and then comment about my parents, and i believe this is unfair as i have accepted what they have done, i dont ask my husband to attend things or anything. my dad would call, and call when he wants something, then i would call back when it works for me and he would drop comments like how hes disappointed i haven't gone over sooner, blah blah blah. as strong as i try to be with this, it manages to get under my skin.

and, whats worse, i work with my family, so i cant always stay away from my father, unfortunately. 

im anxious that when it comes down to it and i tell my dad what he did, he will just blow up and blame me and my husband over and over again causing MORE troubles. its like he picks a fight with a new person every month. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I have a fair bit to say about your situation. My mother is very similar to your father. She even ruined my 1st marriage, she's left a train wreck everywhere throughout her life. I actually dont blame your husband at all even when he mentions your parents to you in a not so good way because everyone likes to be accepted by their inlaws, when they arent they feel rejected and disappointed.

Narcissism is a word used a lot nowadays and its accepted in such cases now. Narcissistic triangulation (google that one) is a process they use to include others in their arguments to ultimately win over their foe- in fact last xmas I had an argument with my sister and that resulted in her convincing her adult daughters to estrange me, pretty hurtful stuff the workers of triangulation. I rang my sister and asked her if she told her daughters not to get involved in the argument between me and her and she actually said she encouraged them to get involved. Horrible work. It is a very effective strategy, one that is learned in early adult times and they dont think its the wrong thing to do. So thats the 1st thing, your father doesnt realise its wrong and your mum is oblivious to the level of hurt it causes. She has a marriage to save so she is in a tight spot. 

Clearly your biggest problem is your father not acknowledging he has a possible illness that should be treated. He'll likely (like my 92yo mother) go through his life making enemies and blaming others. You cant make him get treatment if it is warranted. So what is the best thing for you to do?

I suggest you continue with your own relationship with your father the best you can do. If they raise the topic of your husband then your dad must sort it out with your hubby directly, try to draw the line there, this is about him and your hubby not anyone else. Corral that topic!. If your hubby doesnt want to associate with your dad it is very understandable and concentrate on your happiness and future as a couple.

There is a chance time could find they sort it our and tolerate each other... a slight chance. But controlling, argumentative people with triangulation techniques make mountains out of molehills and stability is a casualty. No one is responsible for reckless behaviour using narcissistic methods than the instigator. I sympathise with your husband.

TonyWK

[Aria87]

Hi Tony,

Thank you so much for your reply!
I too feel so sorry for my husband, and once i dealt with this situation and my father understood HE was the reason, i apologized to my husband that i took too long to deal with the problem. 

I have grown up with my father, so i was used to him and just ignored it and moved on. But like you say, noone has to tolerate that. My husband apprecaited i told my father the issue, and loved that i apologised that i took too long to deal with it. My mother FINALLY told my father that now that she knows the truth about the situation, he is at fault. My Father knows its on him to fix, and its been now 2 days since i told my father HE needs to call my husband to apologise, and my father hasnt. I, feel fine, and will continue to see my family without my husband for special events, my father can deal with the guilt until he grows up a little. Hes almost 70. 

I feel for you, for your neices getting involved.

If i had my siblings or mother on my case upsetting me over my husbands actions i would be pretty upset too.

[white knight]

Great. I don't expect your dad will apologize as the level of stubbornness increases with some as we get older. 

I'm pleased your husband appreciates your apology for the delay, as children of parents we take times to acknowledge the seriousness of our parents flaws. 

Time might be a good healer and wisdom to appreciate its effects us in you. Well done.

TonyWK 

[Aria87]

Yeah, i dont see it either, anytime soon

However my father doesnt  understand the personality of my husband,  once hes done hes done. So my fathers actions stop both him and my mother being involved more in our lives... so its their loss at the end of the day.

I agree, in hopes we dont continue that behavior.

Have a nice day!

[white knight]

Thats the problem with a strong personality (your dad) and a softer one (your mum).

Whenever I had an argument with my mother I also lost my dad. Once 30 years ago I yelled at dad "If I dont get along with my mother, why do I also lose my father" He had no reason but I guessed accurately that my mother would have made life hell for him. 

So, you can invite your mother over for a cuppa etc occasionally without your father and allow her and your hubby to continue their relationship, which should be perfectly fine. If your father is angered by it then he is being too controlling.

TonyWK

[Aria87]

Hi Tony,

Thats sad, i feel for you buddy.

My fathers update yesterday, when he asked if my husband was coming to my mothers bday dinner, i firmly said no, have you called him? and he said no,i called you the other day and you didnt put him on the phone.

which is a flat out lie.. i had facetimed my dad for my son to see his grandparents, and my husband was still at work. 

My husband, wont communicate with my mother if he isnt okay with my dad.. and i find that fair. he feels if he does that, its only stirring my father (my husband is respectful this way) so until my father grows up, it is what it is! 

Its sad to see my father wont have the courage to admit his error and apologize, and still use everyone else to get him out of trouble. noone he has lost most of his friends in his life. he "looks" and "speaks" tough, but deep down hes a little kitty cat.

[white knight]

It's right they have to grow up. Watching many youtubes recently it's a blanket description that narcissists fail to mature from the school yard defence/aggressive mentality. Then with no insight or lessons learned from others by observation,  they cause problems with most people they communicate with.

They also drag others into their disputes. If ever you are then "it's between you and him dad, i cant force you to apologize.".. over and over. 

Dealing with a narcissist takes a firm view, not directly blaming but firmly indicating he should take responsibility. 

My mother was cowardly,  always getting others to patch things up.

TonyWK 

[Aria87]

Hello!

Yep, i can understand and relate 100000%... how sad it would be to wake up this way.

My father, since has spoken to my husband, and they did sort things out.

My father though, just finds something to always fight with someone about. Now its my turn, he was upset i was busy on the weekend and how i told him i couldnt meet with him at the particular time he called me. He then gave me the silent treatment for 4 days, in which i walked into him talking about it to my older brother, busted him. I confronted him asking if he was talking about me, and he lied and said no why would i talk about you. Clearly busted, he then continued to fight with me, and make up dramatic old issues to get out of it. I will fight till the end when he calls me a liar, which continued and continued.. my middle brother, who is well aware of the rubbish our father lies about, announces our dad should be ashamed of himself as im his daughter and shouldnt be talking to me like he was, regardless of who was upset about anything. That is what silenced my father. 

I tell my dad, im busy sorry i have this to do.. he hears i dont want to spend time with you.

He calls, when we are going to bed, he thinks were ignoring him on purpose.

no matter what is done for him.. its never enough. same cycle, one sibling to another.

He calls over the weekend, with attitude, so i state he is on speaker phone and my child can hear, he still continues stating fine ill see the kid once a month... when i was busy and had plans. which escalated him lying t my brothers saying how rude i am, how he wont be afraid of my husband, he shouldnt have to come over invited he should come whenever he wants, blah blah blahhhhhhhhh.. and when its a lie, i will defend myself till the cows come home.

My father, when there is no issues.. creates one.

And this is because in HIS past, he has caused issues and he throws the fire on everyone else.

My father too gets my mother always to patch things up, its sad.. then he will continue like nothing happened if he knows the people who was upset with arent upset like he was.

I firmly told my father, what he was saying i did not say, and also told him what he is making up to argue about are past issues. Once its done with me.. he will then continue on to someone else.

I need to learn not to carry on the sadness, because it bothers me SO much when he does this.

[white knight]

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/wit-the-only-answer-for-torment/td-p/71440

TonyWK