Given up

[Huri]

My daughter and I had a misunderstanding at the start of the year over her partner.  I suffer bad Mental Health and also have Health Problems added to it. So my daughter found out what I said to my younger son about her partner I know it was wrong I should have confronted  her so he told her. Instead of confronting me I had a very long message so hurtful it broke me as well as it broke her. 1 she said that I was see that her partner was treating her the same way I was treated (but in denial). 2 said her partner loves her (but hear stories when he gets angry at her).

He is nice it his own ways just don't like the way she gets treated. So I had forward the message to my sister she suggested to let my daughter know I love her and message her now and again that I do. We follow each other on social media and yesterday I had sent her  message today received a reply and she is not happy with me at all. 

It has broken me and at a point where I am completely done. I am too old for this too broken and feel like I don't want to be here anymore.

I haven't had any self harm thoughts in over 10 years and it's managed to creep its ugly head back in. BUT I know I can't do that to the rest of my family what will it prove, my son will be so lonely and I can't do that to him. But that thought is sitting hard on my shoulder. My cat is looking at me saying I know you are not okay but you will be fine.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Huri, 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your openness and bravery in sharing such a powerful post. We’re so sorry to hear what’s been going on. This must be incredibly difficult, and it sounds like you really value your relationship with your daughter and have done everything you can to get through this. 

It’s really important to look after yourself, your mental health and your wellbeing through a time like this. The Beyond Blue counsellors are always here for you on 1300 22 4636, or via webchat. We can hear you've had moments of thinking about suicide.

Please know that there is always someone to listen when you are dealing with these thoughts:  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important to take immediate steps to keep safe. Lifeline offer crisis support, available 24/7 on 13 11 14, or online: https://www.lifeline.org.au/   If you’d prefer to reach out to us, we’re on 1300 22 4636, or you can use our webchat here: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/  

If there’s ever an immediate risk of harm, the number to call is 000 (triple zero).    

We're always here for you, and your safety and wellbeing are so important.  

Thanks again for sharing, you never know who might be helped by reading this, so please feel free to update your thread anytime. Hopefully some of our lovely community members will spot it here soon enough and may have some understanding or advice for you.  

Feel free to come back to your thread if you feel comfortable, we’re here to help you work through this.  

Kind regards, 

Sophie M 

[therising]

Hi Huri

I think we can express our concerns or frustrations in confidence while believing they'll stay between our self and another. When those concerns or frustrations get out, things can definitely become emotional. I feel for you so much as you deal with the fallout.

Your concerns sound completely understandable, given how much you suffered in your relationship with your ex. You love your daughter so much to the point where you're concerned she may eventually come to suffer in similar ways. Take some comfort in the idea that if she wasn't conscious of her partner's questionable behaviour before, she is now, thanks to you. Sometimes we have to plant a constructive seed before we can watch a person's consciousness blossom, leading them to become more aware. You may have to sit and wait until she wakes up. What that waking up process looks like for your daughter depends on a number of factors. Will she wake up to some of his behaviour and then lead him to wake up to it, if he wasn't conscious of it before? Will she lead him to evolve in some way? Will she say to you at some point 'Our relationship has changed for the better thanks to you leading me to become more conscious of things'? Only time will tell.

Your sister offers sage advice. Expressing an open and loving heart, ready for our child's return, can be a tough thing to manage when it comes to being a mum, for an open and loving heart can feel pain so easily. Btw, I'm a mum to a 21yo daughter and 18yo son.

I think when concern is expressed from a place of love, it can be misinterpreted and felt as criticism. Once your daughter's feelings change and she stops feeling your concern as criticism, I imagine the dynamics in the relationship the 2 of you share will also change. In the meantime, trust in your cat's sage-like vibes. You have not become some horrible person, you are simply a person who loves deeply in a whole variety of ways. This is perhaps a new way, one that comes with new challenges.❤️

[tranzcrybe]

My mum had a good strategy when feathers became ruffled: get everyone together over dinner and pretty soon tensions ease - not that things are forgotten, but usually some perspective of the bigger picture develops.
Like it or not, you are the parent and 'in law' and daughter will defend partner as, one hopes, partner would do for daughter.

However, while you have a right to your opinions there is also the need to be accountable.
If what you said was out of line, and/or you feel misrepresented, then these ripples need ironing out - not necessarily via 'confrontation', but just being in the moment and accepting (if not embracing) the company of good and bad that we find in everything.

Recognising that such situations are often felt reciprocally, it can help to acknowledge none of us are perfect - relationships often have a fair mix of harmony and disharmony without escalation.
I think it is beneficial (and a sign of trust) for daughter to vent about her partner to you - it doesn't mean he is a bad guy, but expressing these niggles helps her to organise her feelings. You may be taking this a bit too much to heart (overlaying your own emotional responses) and becoming protective in support.
It sounds like you are a valuable resource in your daughter's relationship despite the rawness of wounds which will ultimately heal.

Not a good idea to chop off a leg when all you need is a bandaid.