Struggling being a mum

[MSAN]

Hi,

just throwing this in the universe, hoping someone will relate. I became a mum about a year ago with twins. My life is full of ups and downs. The first few months were so hectic. I was so down even with all the family around. Felt like a ghost, a fraud in my body, still feel this way. Lately, ive been having lots of self hating thoughts about myself, mainly because of all the changes my body has undergone since giving birth. I feel grotesque. I hate myself. I am petite and I’ve put on quite a bit of weight. The GP says continuous sleep deprivation does that to your body. Nothing i can do about that. My husband sometimes jokes about my weight gain. Once he called me a fat golliwogg. I am a black women with frizzy hair. And i had to cut my hair due to hormones, hair falling off. Anyway, i still havnt recovered from this comment. Im so hurt. He makes comments about skinny beautiful women on tv. I feel angry. I gave birth to his babies and I’m paying the price still. I was already depressed but now i feel worthless, ugly, unworthy of love, of sex, of attention. Im just sad all the time. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi MSAN, 

Thank you so much for sharing this. It sounds like you’re having a difficult time and we can hear that’s having a huge impact on you. Having one new baby can be exhausting but with two it's fully understandable that you may be feeling this way.

Experiencing these changes in your life and dealing with changes in your body while being a new mum to your babies sounds hugely demanding, so please know that you’ve come to a safe, non-judgmental and supportive space to talk about this. It’s also really important to give yourself space to process these feelings and know you don’t need to act on any of the thoughts you’re having.   

Thank you for sharing the supports you’ve currently been reaching out to. We think it’s great that you’ve been talking to your GP, another great resource is PANDA, which provides support to new Mums and their families. You may be able to find some tips about speaking to your husband as it is important that you feel supported during this time.

https://panda.org.au/

Please know that you're not alone with this, you can call the Beyond Blue helpline at any time, on 1300 22 4636. They can help you talk this through and will also be able to help you plan what's next so that you have that support in place. Other options are Lifeline on 13 11 14, as well as PANDA  on 1300 726 306. 

We hope you're able to be kind to yourself through this, as you've been so kind in sharing your experience here. Give yourself the time and space to process these changes, you've been through a lot and it's important to give your body and mind some time to catch up. Please know that in sharing this here, you are showing incredible strength, resilience and love. We hope you can see how inspirational this is. 

Our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M 

[Carus]

Hi MSAN*

Sorry to hear your feeling down. Post natal depression is extremely common so you're definately not alone yeh*

Our society has been geared towards making people believe we're supposed to be a certain way, or look a certain way, or be achieving certain things etc....Rather than teaching us to be more comfortable with who we are, what we have achieved  etc....These can be deep seated beliefs and upsetting when we think we're not living up to those expectations....

So that's probably weighing on you and will take some time and focus to turn those narratives around*

As for the husbands comments, that's really not fair of him and quite insensitive.

Have you sat down and calmly spoken to him about how those kind of remarks really do hurt you so please don't do it? Yes it can be difficult to address sticky points in a relationship....but necessary....

Many times people will say or do things without actually realising what it is they're saying or doing. Sometimes it takes a little nudge for them to realise*

Sending You Strength*
Regards

Carus*

[Skary Bill]

Hi MSAN, 

I can't relate as such, but I certainly do empathise.    What stood out to me about your post is that you're not happy with you..    And that is something I can relate to.   I've been on my own weight loss and fitness journey, and I think you will feel better about everything the closer you get to feeling like your normal self and size.  I recently was able to put on some pants I used to fit into, and boy did it put some pep in my step. I felt like I could do just about anything 😄 

As for hubby,  he's going to have to free up some of your time so you can work on yourself.  Maybe he can be the one to get up more often so you can catch up on sleep..  Maybe he will go on a diet with you too.  Just to show his support..  🙂     He definitely won't have so much TV time for looking at skinny birds.. lol

Be well and take care.   

[therising]

Hi MSAN

While I gave birth to 2 of the most amazing people I've ever met either side of 20 years ago, I can stand in front of the mirror in the bathroom some mornings and marvel at my large stomach while thinking 'I grew life in there. I brought 2 people to life within that'. I smile when I say there's some sage-like part of me that also says 'While that is true, you are carrying an unhealthy amount of weight and that has got to change'. So, 2 truths. Definitely hard to only deal with the truth when things are becoming depressing. So much can be about false belief (I'm horrible, I'm ugly, I'm hopeless etc). So, what is the truth for you, the absolute truth, without false belief? You've grown 2 human beings, you've faced mind altering and body altering changes and levels of sleep deprivation, you have 2 little people who fully depend on you (which comes with multiple challenges), you're having to constantly open your mind in order to find new ways of managing what you've never managed before, your husband lacks the kind of filter you need him to have and, baby, ain't that the truth.

The filter factor, hmmm. While my husband's become more conscious based on me having a different approach in the last few years, he wasn't always this conscious. I can still remember sitting on the couch with him on the evening of one of our wedding anniversaries. I turned to him to find him staring deeply into my eyes. While my heart skipped a beat as I waited for him to say how much he loved me or something like that, what came out of his mouth was highly questionable, 'Gee, you're looking old'. He was actually studying the lines on my face. I can laugh about it now but at the time I felt how heartbreaking and depressing that comment was to me. Btw, he's definitely less conscious when he's been drinking. Add that to what he's expressed to our kids on occasion while studying photos on the hallway wall, 'You know, your mother used to be really hot', and you'll know where I'm coming from when I speak of a questionable lack of filter. These days, my approach is more so 'Dude, seriously? You do realise you're insane, as what sane person would make such a questionable comment? Can you not feel what you say?'. The response 'You're taking it the wrong way' is typically me with me saying 'That just confirms my suspicions when it comes to your lack of sanity'.😂

Being a new mum is seriously tough business. It can be exhausting, mind altering and life changing. In some cases, it can be deeply depressing and anxiety inducing for a whole variety of reasons. It requires people in our life to be more conscious in their thoughts, words, actions and feelings. It requires that those who proclaim to love us step up more, in the ways in which they need to love us, in ways we can feel. Attending post natal depression group therapy was one of the best things I ever did. It led me to meet with women who found motherhood depressing, something which is normal under certain circumstances. 'Normal' can relate to the side effects of a depressing level of sleep deprivation, a depressing lack of self trust, a depressing lack of conscious people around us, a depressing amount of highly questionable comments and the list goes on. For me, it also involved a depressing inability to breast feed both my babies. Within that therapy, I felt completely normal and it was a relief.

You are beautiful. You have always been beautiful and you will only become more beautiful as you go along. Don't let your husband lead you to believe anything other than this absolute truth. Some leaders can feel depressing and highly questionable. They definitely have a feel to them. ❤️

[MSAN]

Hi, thank you for your response. It made me really look at myself inwardly and reflect on my self hating narratives- i still have them but i want to work on them. I had a big cry on the weekend- we were driving in the car and suddenly I couldn’t bear any of the pretending of being okay. I opened up to my husband. The most honest talk we’ve had in a while- a lot of pain there. On both sides. Realising maybe he is also depressed. At least now, we’ve started talking. 

[therising]

Hi MSAN

Better out than in. So glad you let out so much over the weekend and so glad you and he have set foot on the path to open and honest communication. Definitely so important. I've found there's no point wishing someone would become more conscious. Wishing only takes things so far before hard work and open communication become the kind of things that get results. While everything's still incredibly hard for you, I'm glad to know you're making some progress when it comes to the way forward. Keep in mind you've never done any of this before. It's a whole new challenge for you, a learning process with some seriously tough lessons along the way. Try not to be too hard on yourself while you learn to become a new you.

Strange to think that a some stage or stages of our life we need to learn how to talk to our self. Typically we're not warned about this when growing up, warned that if we don't learn how to talk to our self in constructive ways it comes back to bite us, especially as far as mental health's concerned. Personally, I still struggle with it at times.

Try and remain conscious that the support you both give each other during this incredibly challenging time needs to be balanced. I've learned from experienced that there can be the trap of trying so hard to please our partner before realising we can be regularly putting our self second in the process. I think marriage should be more like a see-saw thing. Through the ups and downs, we're regularly raising each other, as opposed to becoming down more often that not so our partner can maintain a high. Ideally, moments of perfect balance should also be a goal. Can be hard work, hey.🙂