How to Help Someone Filled with Rage

[Matt2954]

Any Sigmund Freuds out there? This one’s right up his alley. When I say that my mother is an angry person, I want you to understand my full meaning. She is always complaining and criticising everything that she can see. Always.
She is abusive to those she claims to love and an angel to strangers she’ll probably never see again.
She talks continually... I really do mean that. There is not a moment that she isn't feeling the need to voice whatever she is thinking. Almost none of it is necessary or worth saying. Almost all of it is negative. Personally, I can't even imagine what it must be like to feel the need to pump negativity into the world every minute of every day. It's hard to comprehend how much energy that must take. It's hard to understand the thought process behind how one might feel this is necessary.
As for my stepfather, he is a good and gentle man. But if the gender roles were reversed, their relationship would be seen as abusive and toxic. There is not an hour that passes without her screaming at him and telling him how useless and pathetic he is (he’s not by the way). But because he’s a man, not a woman, this is fine I guess.
Any inquiry into why she is this way is met with instant hostility and defence. She feels she is being attacked no matter how gently the subject is broached. Attempts have been made to do nice things for her in the hope that it might lighten her mood. Any levity produced by such attempts last seconds... not minutes, and it feels like we’re just causing a bigger problem by doing this… almost rewarding her behaviour. So we quickly learned that that was a bad idea too. I would like to try to understand her better. That’s all. Maybe attempt to find a way to bring her some peace in her later years. The idea that everyone’s just going to breathe a sigh of relief when she’s gone rather than mourn is a terrible thought.
Neither my brother nor I, have any desire to be in relationships or marry, having grown up witnessing this behaviour and I can’t even imagine what kind of damage might be lying underneath the obvious surface-level stuff like that. God knows we’re both probably repressing and unknowingly denying all kinds of crap. Any advice? It’s a sad situation.

[tranzcrybe]

I'm a'freud not...

See Catherine Tate's 'Nan' :-
Horrible person or just self protection as a learned behaviour?

Your mother prefers to bat on the front foot lest anything get through to the keeper!

[therising]

I think sometimes it can be about the lead up to anger or the lead up to negativity and then, after that, it can be about the constant triggers that keep the anger and negativity going. Perhaps the #1 question is 'What led up to mum being the way she is?'. Maybe she doesn't even know, is not fully conscious. Kind of like how you mention you and your brother probably have a lot going on below the surface that you're not necessarily conscious of, based on your upbringing.

When someone thinks and behaves the way they do, we're not necessarily going to get the whole story from one single key person in their life. It's more about interviewing a variety of people in their life in the way of putting all the puzzle pieces together, in order to gain an overall picture. For example, a sibling of that person may say 'Our mother/father was an abusive and terrifying alcoholic. It was hard growing up. It really messed with us'. A good friend may say 'They never got over their first spouse, the love of their life, cheating on them'. A life long friend may reveal 'They were horribly bullied throughout the whole of our high school years together and picked on relentlessly by a couple of teachers'. While a medical professional holds another piece of the puzzle, which they can't legally disclose, they may have knowledge of depression (which can have side effects of anger and negativity). So, for that person, the puzzle pieces reveal an overall picture of ongoing abuse at home and outside of the home for years on end, plus a heartbreaking or soul destroying level of betrayal and depression. If there happens to be any one person in their life they get along with, chances are this is the person who best understands them and perhaps has overall general knowledge of some of the things they've suffered through in life. They can help explain some of the resentment, some of the disappointment, some of the sadness, some of the hatred, some of the mistrust etc, which all add up to anger and negativity.

On the other hand, it could simply be about learned behaviour, with a parent having learned the behaviour from one of their parents. They learned how to critique everyone and everything, how to find fault, how to find the worst in situations, how important it is to keep up with the news (a lot of the angering, negative, hopeless, depressing cr**), how you should be entitled to vent whatever you want, without a filter (aka self entitlement) etc.

Your mum sounds like quite the mystery. I wish there was a simple explanation that could offer you and your brother some relief. Don't give up on the hope of finding great partners. A great partner is someone who can lead us to better understand and develop our self by raising us to greater levels of consciousness.

[Matt2954]

That's definitely true. She certainly needs to do everything herself. There is not much trust there at all... which then makes everyone around her feel useless. It's just sad that staying away from her is the only way to find any positivity. Any thoughts on what we can do for someone who 'bat's on the front foot'?

[Matt2954]

Thanks for taking the time to write. Some great insight here. Yes, you are right, no person is just one thing. We all have faces we put on for different people, her masks, however, are more extreme than any I've ever known. There is certainly some trauma in her past and some people (her friends) who probably know more about it than we do. And you're correct in saying that she probably isn't even aware (which is baffling since the behaviour is almost constant). That being said she must be aware that she is doing it because she knows to turn it off in the company of strangers. Odd. I feel like talking to the few close friends she has wouldn't end well. Firstly they are accustomed to a mask she wears for them. A different her that doesn't act the way she does with family. In all likelihood they would be confused by the questions I would ask. Secondly, if she were to find out that I had spoken to them, I would definitely be accused of spreading lies and betrayal etc... Not fun. It is as though she only acts this way with people who are tied to her (family that can't get away)... yet she is on her best behaviour with those who have the option to leave if they were to see her behaving badly. Does that make sense? A license of sorts... she feels comfortable enough to be real with us? In any other situation, I'd be flattered. haha. She must see that she's pushing her family away. On some level she must see it. Perhaps that's what she wants. Hard to know.

Thank you again for writing. I appreciate it. If you think of anything else that might help, I'm all ears. 🙂

[tranzcrybe]

The willingness to show kindness

to one who doesn't seem to deserve it

only magnifies the gesture.

When not dependent on recognition or reward,

it is the giver who elevates themselves

to a higher plane.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Matt,

You have described my older sister with the anger and nastiness as well as the constant talking and put downs. I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade but I don’t think she has changed. Even when I was being super polite and listening quietly she would be nasty. I found myself apologising to her for speaking up when she would be rude and nasty to me. It was exhausting being in the same room with her. 

I need to read all the other responses before I go on… 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Matt,

therising has given you a comprehensive response and your reply again has described my older sister. 

The sweet little, butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth act when others were around had me baffled. 

I have mentioned this before in another conversation about my older sister, when one Christmas Day she sat at the table telling us how much she hates everyone in particular a cousin just a year old than her. As it was Christmas Day, her most hated cousin dropped by with her family to wish us all a Merry Christmas. My sister suddenly became another person around this cousin. I watched my sister fawning and giggling over our cousin in utter disbelief. I just thought “who are you.”

Hence why when I bumped into my sister about 10 years ago and she proceeded to tell me that she missed me, I didn’t reply. I thought there’s no way I am going to fall for that behaviour. She may have missed not having a punching bag and a shoulder to cry on but I knew then that I was done with her. I saw her again at a family funeral but we didn’t speak and she kept her distance.

To let you know exactly how evil my sister is, she confessed to me that she used to prank call our grandparents in the middle of the night and waited for our grandmother to answer the phone at 2am and then she would laugh and hang up. When grandparents passed away in the same year just months apart she shamelessly went to both funerals. My sister was hoping for an inheritance.

I don’t know if your mother is as disturbed as my sister, but tread carefully if you really need to get to the core of her issues.

[therising]

Hi Matt

I read a brilliant book once called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto. Catto leads the reader to imagine there are many different facets that go toward making up the whole of who we are. I've found it to be a relatable concept and one that can help me make sense of a lot of my behaviour and inner dialogue, as well as it helping me make some sense when it comes to what I observe in others in my life. A part of the book speaks of how certain facets come to life under certain circumstances. It's a matter of who or what triggers them to come to life?

With the title of the book referring to our so called 'inner demons', some of those inner demons aren't entirely bad and can actually be quite helpful on occasion (hence the 'creative' part of the book title). On the other hand, at their extreme or their worst, they can be highly destructive. To offer an example: You can have someone who's a people pleaser all the time and because of their nature they can please even the most abusive of people who can be seriously depressing and degrading. With this person's goal being to please so as to be liked, loved or accepted by others, they'd rather take the abuse than be rejected. Then, one day, that person meets with the peak of their tolerance levels and suddenly some highly intolerant part of them comes to life. Imagine one of those pressure cooker scenarios, with an explosive tear filled screaming foul mouthed rant involving how they just can't take it anymore, while they vent all the abuse they've copped or tolerated over the years. The intolerant facet is not a bad one if it's managed well. If it's not managed well, that person becomes intolerant of everything and everyone. They can become a depressing abuser towards others. Let's now introduce the inner sage, packed with wisdom and good advice. While the intolerant facet may present with inner dialogue like 'Don't tolerate what that person is saying. Tell them what an a*****le they are and how depressing and degrading they are. Tell them they're a low life piece of sh**', the inner sage may dictate 'Do not burn this bridge. Simply tell them you won't tolerate such thoughtlessness on their part. Set a boundary and do it without swearing'. To be in 2 minds at once is about working with the intolerant part of us and the sage that keeps the reigns on it, insisting on a filter. When that upstanding intolerant part of us (that protects us) is given free reign, it can be incredibly destructive.

As I say, different facets of the whole is an interesting concept and that's all it is, a concept. Some facets will come to life through intolerance, hatred, victimisation, resentment, negativity, mistrust, anger, constant disappointment etc etc. If there is nothing to keep the reigns on them, keeping them in check, it's a problem. I smile when I say how the people pleaser in some folk tends to come to life around strangers, especially when looking for acceptance and approval. Of course, there are all the positive facets that can come to life too. Every facet has it's own feel and inner dialogue. I smile when I say some inner demons a tricky little buggers, occasionally dictating 'You shouldn't have to put a filter on what you say'. I beg to differ, especially if we want to maintain healthy relationships. 🙂