My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for the information. I found the website and the information you referred to very interesting .

Is the problem that the fine is not outstanding enough yet and has to wait till he gets the reminder and final demand so that it goes to the Sheriff?
It will be another 5 or 6 weeks according to the letter before he gets an enforcement warrant, so does he have to wait till then? Perhaps that is what the officer meant? Parole at earliest could be end of October so wanted it all done by then.

Reading the last part about calling in fines, it says they will check he has no assets they can take to pay the fines.
He has a car and other assets, which he doesn’t want to lose, as there is one he has spent a long time restoring and one he is driving which he will need when he gets home. All pretty old. He doesn’t need the stress of outstanding debts or losing cars as they will be the thing that will give him an interest and something to do when he comes home. He has no access at the moment to bank accounts till an issue is resolved, so serving time seemed the best option.

[Guest_7403]

Transfer the cars to your name temporarily.

Its possible...I'm not 100% sure on the details of how the warrants work.....I just know prisoners fill in the form and serve time to clear them.

Maybe call the Sheriff’s department to find out from the horses mouth

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie 15

Just wondering how it is all going for you all. I hope you update us
Nameless1

[Evie15]

Hi all,

I'm having one of my bad days today after having a Zoom call with my brother and also after hearing about the news of the covid cases that have popped up in Victoria...feeling very anxious and stressed about it all. I thought I was getting back on track with life stuff, and my family and I were getting so close to being able to see my brother in person. I'm missing him so much...I don't think I'll be able to stay strong and be without him for another three years.

I don't have good news for you all as it seems like my brother will be doing the mandatory three years of imprisonment...the judge did not accept any of his mental health issues or referrals from my brother's psychologist, youth justice workers or family or the fact that he was under the influence of drugs. He is yet to be sentenced because it has been set back, yet again for another three weeks. This is all so frustrating and tiring.

Nameless1 I liked learning about the builder strategy you use. Especially after an awful day in bed, doing nothing and moping around the house. I hope the fine situation all works out okay for you.

Petal22- Thank you for being so supportive and positive. I decided to check on the forum after having one of those bad days so it was nice to be reminded to breathe and practice gratitude. I forget about those things on days like these.

[Petal22]

Hi Evie15,

Sorry to hear you are having a bad day today…….. I hope tomorrow will be a better day for you…..

Sorry things didn’t go to well for your brother……….. I understand it’s so hard ….. I hope you get to see him in person soon once COVID lifts….

Your bad days are actually a phase in your life that forces you to rediscover you hidden strength 💪 hang in there better days are coming your way…… you will get to see your brother again in person….. never loose Hope …. Stay strong….

im glad you can find some comfort in my words…… yes remember to breathe and practice gratitude…..

practicing gratitude doesn’t mean burying unwanted feelings or looking for the silver lining in a bad situation.

Practicing gratitude means acknowledging what is still good along with the mess

Always here to chat to you 😊❤️

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie 15

I understand about the bad days. All this takes a toll or just on him but on the family . You are his sister and it sounds like you are close to him. I am a mum . We love them. Our son had distanced himself a few years ago from his brother and sister . They love him and he pushed them away and wouldn’t answer calls. We were told not to tell them. To say he is not living at home and wants his space is not a surprise . One day they will probably find out and I don’t know how they will react to him or us for not telling them and I am not not sure how that will go. It’s not our story to tell at the moment. They will feel the pain you are feeling now .only difference is your brother wants and needs your support now and I admire your strength and how you are supporting him. Our son doesn’t seem to reach out . We just keep writing and offer to visit and suggest he calls and he does when he is ready.
Sometimes you need the bad day to let out the bottled up feelings . It’s ok. They happen. I know that feeling. Get up the next day with a plan to be somewhere or doing something with someone. Little steps. Sometimes you need to remember getting out of bed might make you feel better. It helps my husband and I have our bad days not at the same time so we get the other going for the day. Sometimes the feeling stays all day regardless but as we get a few things done it helps us re focus .
isnyiur brother being moved or staying in the same place after he is sentenced or doesn’t he know yet? Is he hoping for a CCO or parole ?

yiu are being a great sister!!!

Thanks for letting us know and keep writing so we can support each other .

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

Thank you form the reminder … I tried breathing and gratitude today too when things seemed hard. Helped a lot thank you !!
Nameless1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless 1,

Thats ok 😊 I’m glad it helped you….

Always end the day with a positive thought .

No matter how hard today was, tomorrow is full of possibilities ❤️

[Nameless1]

Hi everyone, borderline,
A few months have passed and our son is getting closer to coming out on parole hopefully. Applications and interviews done for parole and Adult Parole Board have the committee doing a PSA. We shave a video meeting to discuss accomodation on Tuesday. Hopefully that goes okay as he was arrested at home and things found in his room. I’m not sure how long the report gathering that also needs to be done will take. It just says in info as long as it takes to collect everything they need to make a decision. The court said he showed he was suitable for rehabilitation
Feeling excited but a bit nervous. I know transition will be hard. He likes his work and study and gym where he is even if it is in prison. He is often in the art room doing things. The people around him a least understand him and sound similar He is free of Cannabis with no temptation hopefully around him. He has structure and routine. Im sure life in prison isn’t easy but we can see he has made an effort to make the best of it . He struggled with routine and routine and I hope he can maintain that within the setting of boundaries we will both discuss and set alongside encouragement and support.
Friendships were important but not sure the state of those friendships now except one he stayed in contact with. None of his friends were told by us where he was and only one has asked so not sure what they know .
more following

He is making changes, being cooperative and trying to prepare himself. He has organised Dental and optometrist appointments and is following up his fines to be called him. We did find someone to advise us by ringing Fines Vic as you suggested but our son contacted the ATC . It comes up to warrant stage shortly and will be dealt with as long as he hasn’t got parole before that.
We are stronger now, he has learnt alot and are determined to not fall in the trap of enabling him but make sure he sticks to the jobs he has been doing, and contribute to the household a s stay positive
Thanks again for your previous help
Nameless 1

[geoff]

Hello Nameless, I have been reading and am pleased your son is about to be released and hope that you and your husband can start to begin the trust once again with your son because that's his only option as he will need to see the parole officer who only wants to help him further.

You have my support.

Geoff.