My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Petal22]

Good morning Nameless 1,

Thankyou ……. All is well now 😊

Yes, hopefully your son doesn’t dwell on the past and let’s it go and learns to move forward with his life……. Sometimes I think people need to learn to forgive…… forgive others and also forgive themselves…….. it’s so freeing and allows people to move forward with their life……… there is no need to live in the past anymore…. Because it has already been and we don’t live there anymore…we just need to let it go and embrace the future…… the future can be anything we decide it to be…… happiness is decided ahead of time I think….

There comes a day when you realise turning the page is the best feeling in the world, because you realise there’s so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on….. ( maybe a quote for your son one day)

Have a lovely day Nameless 1 ❤️

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15

Just checking you and your mum are going okay as you wait for the court case and sentencing. I hope you and your mum can keep busy and distracted.

Soon it will be over but the days and nights before hand drag. I was really tired after. Then there was all the information I wanted to read afterwards to do with sentencing and I found the website of the sentencing council and stuff from corrections. Then I needed a break to get my head around everything .

How are you feeling about things? I’m not sure how long your brother has been in remand but the wait is hard for them… not knowing. It did help as someone suggested to have something planned the next day to get you out of the house … harder in lockdown… but it really helped.
Thinking of you all !!

Take care

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline and Evie 15

Regarding sentencing, it seems judges can make the sentence more or less depending on the reports they get about the individuals situation before arrest and reports about them they get from how they are in remand. The magistrates seem to be able also make the sentence longer as part of general deterrence to prevent more offending . The magistrate decides if a CCO or parole etc and the length of the parole. So I realise now there isn’t any set time they can get ,
We have heard from our son, and though he was disappointed he didn’t get the CCO and released, he said others where he is thought his sentence was quite reasonable.

Our son was sounding pretty good. He said the sentenced area was more relaxed and everyone busier with more to do and focussed on being prepared for whenever they are released…as you said Borderline .. without the tensions and politics and incidents that can happen in remand etc .

He rang to ask some questions for information for some forms and to let us know how he was going. He was happy for me to ask some questions and offered information too. It was so wonderful to talk to him and he has really made an effort from what he told us about things and what is happening . We told him we were proud of him for his efforts and his plans for his future We he will ring more!!! We just hope he can keep it up and be strong enough to deal with any of the challenges others find.

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal 22

I love those thoughts on forgiveness and your quote about there being more to the book than the page you are stuck on!!
It is easy to let our mind get stuck on recycling old thoughts and we have to replace them with other thoughts.
Thanks again for your positivity for hope.
Nameless1

[Petal22]

Hi Nameless 1,

That’s ok I’m always happy to share my positivity with you……😊

I understand our minds can get stuck on old thought patterns that just keep recycling……… we can all train our minds to see the positives ……… meditation is great for our minds it’s brings us into awareness….. so we can actually observe our thoughts and not get so caught up in them…… when we notice our minds are stuck in auto mode recycling we can adjust it too see a positive side…… we can feed our minds with positivity…. We have that power, it can just take practice……. Renewing of the mind is such a beautiful thing….. ❤️

I hope your son is doing ok and your selves…

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Just another question about calling in your court fines if you are able to help. We have looked it up in fines Victoria and on another law site but are a bit confused.

Out son enquired about it at the prison and they told him he couldn’t have them called in because it wasn’t at the warrant stage. It was issued the day after court and sent to our home as I said. The lawyer said to email a copy to him as he was speaking to him via video. He said our son would get information at the prison to call in the fine. Our son then enquired at the prison and was told he couldn’t call them in till they were at the warrant stage and he wanted to know from us how long that would that be? I was presuming he would get all that information at the prison but he seemed confused about what to do.
is that the Enforcement warrant ?
On looking up information, if it gets to the enforcement warrant it looks to us like that means other fines would have been added to it … the penalty reminder of $26 , final demand done of &135 and then the enforcement warrant where they can come to his home ( where we live) and ask for property and remove registration.plates and clamp the car etc. Isn’t he able to just call in the fine somehow before all that? It’s due the middle of August.
If you can’t help that is fine, we probably need to make a few calls.. but can’t now till Monday.

thanks again

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

We are doing okay.

We thought everything was finished with for a while once court was over . But now Just sorting out what happens to some fines (as I said to Borderline) …, the court fine for not paying rego on his car when he was arrested, but also payment for something he damaged. That can’t be paid by time served I don’t think. Not for us to pay, but we don’t want it not to be paid on time and get other penalties added on but. Not sure how it is to be done if he is in jail . Oh …the consequences of everything !!!

Last night my husband and I both had restless, busy dreams and sleep and woke feeling quite overwhelmed by the last year since his arrest and going into remand and the legal ups and downs and waiting and uncertainty. Things that should have been done are half finished then other things like storm damage create more work…Just as we were gaining our positivity that things were resolving and that we were getting in top of everything we have more to deal with. Also with lockdown restrictions now I can’t do some of the work I was doing and so have to deal with that.
Its not just the person who”does time for the crime” . It’s the impact on the family. Knowing what I know now , I wish I could go back and do and say so many different things to my son about the realities of life and your actions and decisions. Tougher love perhaps .

So not feeling great today and all the usual strategies just don’t seem to work. We even had a great session with the counsellor yesterday. Normally I get past it so today we will have to find another strategy and tell myself there are worse things that could happen and do happen to other people, make a plan and get on with the day. I heard a story about the 3 boulders …that you chose 3 things…one small task to complete, and see what it leads to, one phone call to a friend and one action of something nice for another person. Often this leads on to motivation to do other things . If it is a bad day choose 3 pebbles … smaller tasks. That’s what today needs.
Nameless1

[Petal22]

Goodmorning Nameless1,

In regards to the rego……. If you still have his car take the plates off and hand them in to the licensing centre you can re register when your sons released…… also in regards to the fines you can send them back to sender with a note saying currently incarcerated….. or if you want to pay them you can have them given to your son in some way and he can sign them and send back to you………

Please don’t stress about the fines because it’s not your responsibility….. your sons in incarceration so it’s their department that’s responsible…( government)….

I understand all the stresses that go with this but just trust everything will work out….

Yes hindsight, but sometimes I think even if you had have been different towards your son….. would it have helped? Some times I think they arnt really in the right state of mind to even comprehend some things we try to tell them…….. I’m sure you and your husband are amazing parents but our children make their own choices and hopefully learn from them ………

I like your Boulder strategies…. things will get better…. Just take it day by day and enjoy your time with your husband……

Your heart will heal, your tears will dry, your season will change ….,

Stress makes you think that everything has to be fixed right now.

Just breathe

Things have a way of working themselves out.

One day, one step, one moment at a time.

Practice gratefulness……. It will shift your mind set….

❤️

[Guest_7403]

Once he's sentenced he can complete the form to have them called in.

Just tell him to ask for the warrant form, fill it out and drop it in the forms box..

Hopefully the officer knows what to do with it.

[Guest_7403]

This is an exerpt from the prisonerlaw website

You can call in outstanding warrants and fines when you are in prison. If you plan on doing this, the sooner you do it the better it will be. Ask the prison staff for a form titled “Information – Sheriffs Warrants” on which you write your name and CRN to request your infringement warrants be called in. Once you fill out this form the prison will send it to the Sheriff’s Office to be dealt with. It will take some time for the Sheriff’s Office to get back to you - this is why you should put in the form as soon as possible.

I don't know why the officer told him he can't.