My younger brother has gone to jail, and I'm struggling to hold it together

[Leth]

I was referred to the beyondblue website to read a thread about a mum and her pain that she was going through after her son had gone to jail. It's crazy, because when I was reading it, I could very much see the same pain my mother is currently feeling.

I needed to come here and put out how I'm feeling about the whole situation as well, from an older brothers point of view, but to be honest, I don't even know where to start.

My brother, with the biggest warmest heart, with physical and mental heath issues, developed an ice addiction, he neglected his health and in the last year, my mum and I have done nothing but tried our damn hardest to help him, both professionally, personally, financially, the whole lot.

He got himself into a fair bit of trouble about a year ago, and in lead up to his sentence, his smoking of ice increased, as did his lies, and everything was spiralling out of control for him and everyone around him. I left my well payed job to be more closer to my mum and brother in need.

The whole process has been so stressful, and it's been so hard to now see my brother get taken away. He's such a vulnerable person, a "gentle giant", who without pointing the figure, influenced to trying ice, became hooked and majorly lost his way. His bedroom became his haven, he never left it, and my poor mother who became so submissive to his behaviour, did her best to care for him while he was in the darkest time in his life.

I'm feeling fragile.

I'm finding myself withdrawing. Having a hard time sleeping, and when I do, I instantly wake up with a cracking head ache. I start crying at unpredictable times, I've somewhat distanced myself from my boyfriend, I have my mum staying with me until she's going to be ok living alone.

My brother has left behind some financial stress, and I'm left to now collect the pieces, to cancel his accounts, and to work out a ways to pay back all these "Afterpay" type transactions he's made over the last several months on top if fine reminders in the mail.

The whole thing is just hard, but there's that glimmer that this is perhaps that divine intervention that he's needed, as nothing I or my mum did worked.

I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for since this all began about a year ago, my GP has suggested I get on anti depressants which I'm almost contemplating.

Are there any other siblings out there who's maybe been in my shoes who might be able to give me some advice? I'd appreciate it immensely.

[Petal22]

Hi Namesless1,

Thats ok….. I totally understand it is a hard situation to be in… and yes sad…..

I think it’s sad for some people in these situations because I think it took some type of pain they were feeling to then turn to some sort of alternative addiction to try to mask the pain and then in turn from that it has affected their brain in some way and have ended up in prison……. It’s really sad because the brain itself has illnesses or is affected by addiction and it can make some people act or do things they normally wouldn’t do if they were ok to begin with…… it is just sad but hopefully your son can turn his life around and rebuild…. 🙏 it is possible…

ok, I understand what you are saying about the siblings hopefully one day they can try to understand your son and help him with his life journey in some way….. I hope their relationship can be re built.

Yes the forums are great for being able to talk to people who understand…….

I hope your son is doing ok…..

😊

[Guest_7403]

They have to fill the form in to have them sent to them in prison.

Its not your responsibility to pay them. Next time you speak to him, tell him to talk to the unit staff about calling in his warrants

Has he made contact from new jail yet?

[Nameless1]

Hi Borderline

Thanks for the reply . The lawyer has booked a call to speak to him and he was still where he was at the time he booked. I will have to wait till he rings which he hasn’t done yet .

Your summary of his situation is perfect. As you said before, PTSD loss and trauma doesn’t have to end up in doing things that land you in prison, but sone skewed thinking of the damaged brain makes them think it is okay , that it will cover and fix the pain and there is nothing wrong with it. He wanted the people that caused his PTSD to see how much he was suffering but didn’t see how self destructive that was. His activity to cover the loss and pain gave him a sense of purpose even if it was illegal.
He has been removed from that for almost a year and hopefully his thinking and feeling has changed with the clarity he must now feel. He hasn’t been sick the whole time he has been in remand and his body is fitter and healthier from exercises so that must help , and he has regular work and study that he stopped and didn’t have at the time he was arrested.
He is very bright and used to have a good job . Worked hard to earn money and when all that went , and his girlfriend too, he let his dreams go too.
Hopefully he is making new positive plans and that the time has brought some good changes even though prison might be hard . Hopefully he can get some more help too before he comes home with the courses and programmes available to him .

Thanks again

Nameless1

[Petal22]

I understand completely the situation……… I have seen in some one else the same path….. it is a really sad situation….. but yes hopefully your son has more clarity now ……. I think having a good routine helps and sticking to work , exercise and study which will give him purpose….

Yes hopefully your son has made some clear positive changes while he has been in prison 🙏 your past NEVER has to define your future!

❤️

[Evie15]

Hello all,

Nameless1 your situation sounds very, very similar to my own brother's sentencing and experience. My Mum lives in a small country town and has also decided not to tell any of her friends because she knows how country people tend to tell others and word gets around. The plan is that once my brother is out, he will move to the town and find work so Mum doesn't want others to know- therefore, the chances of my brother getting a job is more likely. I know she sometimes finds it hard, especially at the beginning, she wouldn't go out for drinks or spend time with her friends. I'm sorry that your friend said those hurtful things to you.

The final court hearing is next week, and as we are getting closer, and closer I have noticed my anxiety and stress levels are increasing. Yesterday my Mum told me that the barrister thinks it doesn't look good re- sentencing time. Feeling all sorts of emotions today- trying my best to stay positive, but I also don't want to get my hopes up and be upset (which sounds like it is going to be very likely). I know that the mandatory sentence is 3 years for what he did, but I just can't help but hope that they may lower it? Somedays I still can't believe that I might not be able to see my little brother out of prison in 3 years.

And guest7403...thank you for informing us all on what the prison system is like. I'll make sure to highlight those points about parole and his behaviour towards his officers in our next Zoom call. Also, does anyone know if the judge will read the references and referrals that the lawyers use to help the case? And do they consider how he has been behaving in custody and the time spent in there? I think my family and I wrote good reference letters, so I really hope they take it all into account when sentencing him.

[Evie15]

- Continued from the previous post due to word limit.

The letters I receive and the phone calls I have with my brother, make it sound like he has really improved. He has been attending meetings about drug and alcohol use, and courses so I hope that if he does come out soon, that he will take those lessons on board. And I think it's good to remind them to be thinking about making those positive changes for when they get out but, as you said Nameless1, I could imagine it would be hard to do so in a prison environment.

And Nameless1, in regards to the alcohol and drugs etc in your son's room from an earlier post...my Mum and I threw everything in the bin. Anything to do with drugs, alcohol or smoking were all thrown out so he doesn't have the chance to relapse when he does eventually come out. All of the questions you wrote in regards to life out of prison and the prison system are very similar to the questions I tend to be constantly asking myself.

I think I need to start practising meditating again, and making sure I get my daily walks in but as you said, it's quite hard in this weather. Perfect weather to sit on the couch, watch a movie or read a book.

Sending love and light to you all.
Evie15

[Sophie_M]

Thank you for posting, it's really good to see community members finding shared experience and offering support, especially in this difficult context. As this community shows, you are not alone, and your sharing is valuable to people going through similar situations.   Please know that we're here for support at any time, on 1300 22 4636.  Kind regards,  Sophie M

[Guest_7403]

I think the only real weight on sentencing is from impact statements.

3 years may be the minimum, but judges have been issuing lower sentences for early guilty pleas and the current conditions in prisons due to covid and the backlog of cases currently waiting to be heard.

Theres no rule book that directly says the sentence will be X. This much I've learnt.

[Nameless1]

Hi Petal22

Sorry to hear about the other person you know of .
The past will certainly make the future more difficult fir my son if he lets it drag him down …in potentially finding jobs for one… as you need to have a good attitude for people to give you a go. It is hard as it is particularly with COVID but as you said never let it define you. Though I think people (hopefully) are also more aware of giving people a chance due to the difficult times.
I believe there is about job interviews and writing a regime in the courses available at the prison ???? and hopefully parole officers will guide him in this direction and then it will be up to him to go looking!! He hopefully will be more organised at least as he didn’t have a good routine !!

Thanks again.

Nameless1

[Nameless1]

Hi Evie15,

I can totally relate to the mixed feelings you have before the court case, and uncertainty about it all. It all depends on the magistrate !! All you can do is plan for both. The magistrate might be lenient or give less time as Borderline or he might still want to give a general deterrence .
Our lawyer said the magistrate commented on the reports and doctors notes and references and reports on behaviour and any work etc they do in remand and had read everything, and the references etc helped in reducing the sentence and setting in place how to get the best help for him when he is released.
Your brother would also have time already served taken off from whatever he was sentenced plus a minimum time with parole?
We did a big clean up of the room of after ge left. That was really hard going through things but had to be done.
Please tr your mum I am thinking of you both as you head towards the court hearing. It’s weird being the other side of the hearing and not having him home yet … as I said before he didn’t get the CCO that was asked for , but hoping we all will be better prepared .
All we can do as you said is wait and live them by writing and talking with when they ring .

Just keep busy so you don’t sit and dwell on the hearing, keep busy and plan done good Covid safe activities like phone Zoom calls with friends , nice take away lunches , good books music snd movies. Things that stop the worry a bit fir a while. Let us know how you go.
Nameless1